Replenishment

I haven’t been myself for over a year. Could you imagine?

It’s come to a point where I can no longer sensibly process my thoughts. I feel weak. I feel fragile. Broken. Small. Ashamed. Insecure. Incapable. Worthless. Lost. SAD. Anxious. Confused. Did I mention weak already?

Oh my god! From being my own motivator to see myself like this, it kind of makes me want to say a huge SORRY to myself. So that’s what I am going to do right now. I am going to apologize to myself and you could be party to it.

  • I am sorry for giving too much of myself away to be with someone.
  • I am sorry for not caring about my health enough or can I say at all.
  • I am sorry to let another person’s view affect my sense of belief.
  • I am sorry to cry about something mean someone said out of their own fears.
  • I am sorry to have thought so small of myself.
  • I am sorry that people aren’t always nice and that in turn shouldn’t turn you bitter.
  • I am sorry for not relishing what I have.
  • I am sorry for not counting my blessings.
  • I am sorry for overlooking the problems faced by the people around me.
  • I am sorry for having dark circles around my eyes and a loss of weight, a loss of appetite,  a loss of interest in things.
  • I am sorry, every time my ears flared up out of anxiety, moments of immense trepidation, insecurity, I am sorry I let someone’s action control me like that.
  • I am sorry to have become so dependent.
  • I am sorry to have my happiness taken lightly.
  • I am sorry to have myself be taken lightly.
  • I am sorry for locking myself in my room, for not stepping out for two days.
  • I am sorry for giving up on all my hobbies.
  • I am sorry to have cried endlessly and stressing myself to sleep.
  • I am sorry to have woken up depressed.
  • I am sorry for being inconsiderate because of my own mental struggles.
  • I am sorry for losing control of myself.
  • I am sorry for obsessing about something not worth obsessing.
  • I am sorry for giving others power over me.
  • I am sorry to have forgotten my worth, to all the moments of self-doubt.

I am sorry, I am really, really sorry you amazing, caring, loving, harmless, strong, independent, resilient, patient, smart, wise, quirky piece of a human being. I am sorry to put you in the back seat.

From here on, each day, every day, I am going to work towards building myself again. Be kind. And reflect my happy energy on to others. There is enough sadness and grief and complications in this life. Not just for me, for everyone around me. And I am going to treat everyone better, including myself.

Frenemies

likeA tiny tear dropped from those hazel eyes.

Startled, the eye enquired: “Where have you been? I never imagined I would be so deprived of you. That there will come a day where I have to crave for your visit. We almost lost touch.”

Tear replied: “I am your friend, ain’t I? or Am I your foe now, your barely want to see me?”

Eye gave some thought to it and then told the tear: “May be we are friends and enemies. You are there in happiness and in despair. It almost seems impossible to give you up. Too much of you seems detrimental to health and seeing too little of you makes me anxious. I always know you’ll come around. It’s almost like we go hand in hand. I love your absence and you hate seeing me happy without you.

So frenemies, are we?”

 

Musings #008

Could WE co-exist with a little bit of YOU and a little bit of I?

At times, there is so much of YOU that I feels trifle. Some days it’s only I and no trace of YOU. One moment too distant, next minute too involved. Do YOU and I ever find a balance? When I sulks could YOU hold strong; when YOU panics could I stay calm. When time doesn’t move forward, could I keep the clock aside? When everything is haywire, could YOU stand the storm. If only I could be I, YOU could be YOU and they still manage to discover WE; US would make quite a story!

P.S. : Only time will tell.

Yeh jo rasta hai…

Am I changing?

Metamorphosing from caterpillar to a butterfly?

I often feel the world runs too fast for my pace. Like I am a snail trying to keep up with a leopard. And then I ponder, why can’t I take leisure in my pace. Definitely, the leopard and I don’t have a common destination in our minds. I have stopped speculating over the would be’s. At this moment, I have ample reasons to smile. And I find that enough. Nerves being nerves always act crazy, however, there is something different in my stride. Like it has found a way to walk on. The “rasta” so we speak is foggy, full of pebbles and stones, each turn bringing a new surprise. I still like walking on it though. Let’s see where it takes me.

P.S. rasta is hindi equivalent to path.

We turn ONE!

happygirl5Yesterday was my 1st anniversary with WordPress. I am like that husband who forgets the date and compensates for it a day later! Of course it means a lot to me darling. I have been so busy. bla and blah. Couldn’t find time on the D-day, but I will make up for it today.
So anyway, I am happy about this ONE year thing.
We have had a pleasant journey…I and my blog. It has made me more calm from inside, if you guys know what I mean?
I have had episodes in the last year…heart breaks, journeys, insomnia, moments of doubt, highs and lows. You know, usual human stuff. I have let it all out here and realized that happiness manifolds when you share it with others and blues get pacified at so many levels. Being faulty, or feeling lonely doesn’t come across as weird anymore. People out here are lovely. They have cheered me and appeased me; made me fly high on days I recognized as plain ordinary.

images1

Then, I read what others write. On some days I ponder about it, the other days marvel at it. Some make me sad, some make me jubilant and some make my mouth go wide open! I kind of knew I had this emotional side to me and people here hit the damn right chords. So, THANK YOU all.
I tend to continue.
Happy blogging to myself and everyone reading it. Yoohooo!

Considering My Options

What do I write today?
Hope: Whatever you want your grand children to read in future and smile!
Skepticism: I am not sure I’ll reach to a point of having grand children.
Faith: Oh sure you will. Okay, write about something you believe in.
Insecurity: What can I possibly offer that hasn’t been said already?
Mind: Every individual brings something new to the plate.
Heart: Let’s just go ahead and lament about lost love and what could have been!
Angel elf: You don’t have to be sad all the time. Temperate is good too. Take time.
Demon elf: Sulk baby sulk. Better than that, complain about people who have done wrong to you!
Strength: Why not encourage others? On how things always get better. Trust your instincts.
Desire: Create something magical. Your words shall enchant.
Girly side: Let’s talk about the pretty dresses you bought and ooo! those nail paints.
Independence: Let’s not waste time figuring out people. Explore broader horizons.
Persnicketiness: Watch you words.
Conscience: Chuck it all. Do what you want!

One dainty human and a sea of emotions! Today we just wonder about the possibilities.

Rainy season and it’s pouring awards!

Where to start with..humbled, overjoyed, excited, ecstatic…yes yes..all of that! These nominations make me smile. So let’s get things done that I have been stalling from a few days.
A word of Thank You for the nominations:
Firstly to the ever so generous Darshith, who has nominated me for a bunch of them and in that moment, made me go like Whaaattttt?!!! It’s delightfully rare to see a guy with an expressive side. His posts lighten my mood!
To the beautiful Alisha who is at the very same time observative, she writes and stirs your emotions..
And Debbie who I have recently got to know in the blogging community, last I read from her was about a fun day out in Scotland! She is ever so active to respond to your comments, which I admire.

For the Starlight Blogger, Darshith gave me an option to choose amongst a set of questions and here are my picks:
How do you define *LIFE*?
Life is mysterious at many levels. I think its definition changes with what you are going through at that very moment. For now, life seems pretty cool to me, but in blink of a moment I might say Life sucks! or Life is beautiful! you never know..I never know.

*Emotions* – How do they guide an existence?
They are what differentiate us from machines…they are the reason we connect to other people. They guide our actions. Some say I have become emotionally detached but that again is an emotion of being secluded, the need to be alone. If you look around, we are all entities acting on our emotions, be it good or bad. On a lighter note, the so-called emotions in form of emoticons, I love them too!

Do you believe in Destiny?
Oh…I vehemently do! Every new person I meet, I feel destiny plays some part in it. They say a man is a maker of his own destiny and that is in a way true because our decisions, our actions have consequences; but destiny is that light at the end of every tunnel. I guess when I am low, I rely on destiny more, which is little mean of me. :D.

Okay one down!
Apart from this, I was nominated for Sunshine Blogger Award and Dragon Loyalty Award, how good a feeling it is to know you are spreading sunshine in some part of the world in some other person’s life. As far as loyalty is concerned, I will continue to be one loyal follower! 🙂
For the above three awards, my nominations are:
debyonce
himali
NJ (Neerja)

Now about Creative blogger award, I find this one a little too over-whelming! 😀 and as it happens, I have been nominated for this before(A Certain Creative Blogger Award)
But there is nothing wrong in yielding five more facts about yourself right?! so here they go:
1. I am a Taurean, and despite of calling it a no big deal, I do read my sun-sign and happen to rejoice if they write something nice. The other day it said: “Little voices are whispering in your ear today, Taurus.” and I was like…ooo really! Basically I enjoy reading my horoscope.
2. Love to play Sudoku, and try getting better at it.
3. Injuries give me creeps; have a habit of making HUGE deal out of TINY scratches.
4. Typical girl trait: Don’t like it if some girl has the same bag/dress/shoes that I bought recently.
5. Loooooove dark chocolates.

I would nominate:
lilrant
Lauren (i think I have nominated you before too! If so..just bear with me)
Ginni Deville

For the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers, here are my answers Debbie, and luckily I have done this before, so my nominees can find the questions here:
Ahoy Sisters!

1- What inspire you to become a blogger?
The fact that there are many things I can’t easily talk about but can certainly write on!

2- An item you never forget to bring along with you?
My wallet I guess, and my iPod…feel incomplete without it.

3- Favourite type of food?
Home cooked food, probably because I am too lazy in cooking and love those rare occassions when my mom cooks for me.

4- Favourite type of movie?
Romantic ones I guess…or atleast if they have some sort of emotional connect.

5- Are you able to go out without using any makeup?Why?
Yeah anyday..it would be an understatement to say I am new to makeup…fact is I am no where close to the knowledge of makeup. Never pondered over it much, I do like getting dressed up though! 😀

6- Which topics makes you follow a blog?
If I relate to anything mentioned in the blog, I follow. Also, travel blogs intrigue me. I instantly get an urge to visit those places and do those things.

7- Who is the person you most admire?Why?
Satan, that is the nickname for my best friend. I like his outlook on life, the way he never really worries, his know-it-all trait and his childlike innocence. He is faulty at many levels and I admire him for accepting that.

8- Getting old or being immortal?
I guess getting old. There is one phrase about “getting old gracefully”, I quite like it. I want to have many many many beautiful moments in the process of getting old.

9- Favourite musical instrument?
Guitarrrrrr…Like the sound of it, love the feel of it, I suck at regularly practising it and one day I will beautifully play it! Amen.

10- Something you can’t live without?
I will give a frivolous answer for this one..can’t do without my shoes..I have loads and loads of them..different varieties.

My nominations for this award are:
izza
Lindsay Rose
ahava

Wow this got pretty long..All done! Have a good day people!
P.S. : Nominees don’t feel obligated, I am telling you before hand.

A Certain Creative Blogger Award

Well as much as I am delighted on being nominated for the award, creative seems too big a compliment for what I do here. :). Nevertheless, I would like to thank ajayi for nominating me and reading my posts and making me feel all special. She is full of vibrant energy and that reflects in her blog. Her writings exhibit positivity and a feel good factor… https://thrillofbliss.wordpress.com/.

Rules are pretty simple:
– Share five facts about yourself.
– Thank the person who nominated you and post their blog’s link.
– Nominate other bloggers.
– Pass on the rules.

Okay…so facts..might be abstract but true:
1. I like reading books but I read them at a realllyyyy slow pace. Call me the tortoise amongst readers. I somewhat live through them and bookmark every third page and laugh and cry along with them. On odd days, I also wonder if it is some character flaw of mine and if my brain processes slow. :D.
2. Love to shop..live to shop. I know it is material happiness but means so much to me!
3. I don’t like hurting people. Not with my actions nor my words. If someone has been rude to me I would rather make them realize it’s wrong than avenge for it. Having said that, I sometimes get rude with my friends but that is all silly banter and gets sorted in a day or two.
4. I like changing my hair style every now and then. Experimentation and the fun involved is all too good! Want to have boy-cut hairs in near future.
5. I don’t have much affection for kids yet..they look very messy and delicate. Now being a women I might have to have kids later far later..but I would better have a pet and demo with it first,..to see if I am up for a baby!

Well I would like to nominate:

https://lifeinquantums.wordpress.com/

https://akansha1104.wordpress.com/

https://poetryandchocolateandbooks.wordpress.com/

https://awanderingstoryteller.wordpress.com/

https://justapreciouspenny.wordpress.com/

Mighty interested in digging out facts about you people. :)!

P.S. I am very happy for a friend on his job. Patience/hardwork/prayers pay off. Just making a note.

Petty girly affairs

Anxious night ahead…I shopped and shopped today and then I stopped by a small shop on my way back home and forgot half of my baggage over there..what an idiot I am! Have to go back tomorrow morning and check if it is still there. @!?#*$~!?!!!! I stay all lost while traveling…I remember reading a middle aged man’s t-shirt on the way. It said:
“Laziness rule #1.
If you can’t reach it
You don’t need it”
I smiled seeing it. Amidst this hurried lost state of mind, I abandoned my belongings. Didn’t even look for it till late midnight. Plus, a restless person that I am..I won’t get sleep thinking about the 278 different scenarios that could have happened to it or with it. Why dear fate do you work in mysterious ways…it could have been a lazy Sunday night..cozy sleep..saccharine dreams..and now I lie awake waiting for the morning to arrive.
Sometimes my thoughts do trespass to a broader horizon where I ask myself..why such a fuss over superficial things? Why not just rest for a while. What if you lost a pretty dress. You’ll get another one. But these are just words. Reality bite: I am superficial to an extent. Let’s just accept things the way they are. If I lose on the dress tomorrow..Well I won’t encourage unsolicited ifs and buts for now. Time is taking its own sweet time. I don’t reckon what lies ahead. Not tomorrow morning nor the days after that.

Liebster Award

Hi all! I was nominated for the Liebster Award by shaudvr and I am supposed to answer the questions she put forward. This is something I am new to, but anyway makes me glad you nominated me shaudvr. :).

These are the rules:
1. Link the person who nominated you to your blog post and let them know you answered their questions.
2. Answer the 11 questions given to you by the nominator.
3. Nominate other bloggers (11) for the award that have fewer than 200 followers.
4. Create 11 questions for your nominees to answer.
5. Let the nominees know that they have been nominated by going to their blog and notifying them.

Here are my responses:

1. Why did you start a blog?
It relieves me in a way. I feel happier when I have written something and shared it across. I also relate to many others who write different stories from their lives. Blogging engages me.

2. Do people (friends, family) around you know you have a blog?
My closest friends, they know. My family, currently no. My colleagues and acquaintances, no. I wanted it to be more of a me thing where people who scarcely know me don’t give their opinions on my thoughts.

3. Where do you get inspiration for your blog posts?
My blog posts usually contain random thoughts that run in my mind, I see or experience something in my routine life and some days I write about it. Most of the times, I write when I am alone. So, may be seclusion inspires them.

4. What is something about yourself you feel like you need to work on?
I have to learn detachment. I want to be less affected by people around me. Some have become my weakness. I want to be content with myself. I do try.

5. What does blogging (writing) mean to you? (a hobby, way of expressing yourself e.g.)
Catharsis might be the right word for it. When I write something, I feel I have took it out of my mind and let it out to the world. These are just words coming out but they are my words, they are what I am in a way. I write and I let a little more bit of myself out.

6. What is your dream job?
Mmm, I still don’t have answer for this yet.

7. Who inspires you?
Hedonists inspire me. People who have suffered and still come out strong. People who have risen from the earth, started from the scratch. My mother inspires me for the person she is.

8. What is the most beautiful place you have visited so far?
Manali, India, comes to my mind right now. It was breath-takingly, refreshingly beautiful. Snow every where, the sun, the trees, the wind, the streets, everything to fall in love with!

9. What is your all time favorite movie?
I love this movie, The Prestige. I equally love, P.S. I Love You and DDLJ(Hindi). So that makes three of them.:).

10. What is the most delicious food you have ever eaten? (I’m a foodie, so I couldn’t resist.)
I love everything my mom cooks. So home cooked chhole bhature, dosa, dhokla, dahi bade. All these are Indian dishes. :).

11. What is a quality you admire in people?
Genuineness. Honesty. People who are unassuming and comfortable to be around.

Well these questions did make me ponder. Now, my questions, your answers. :D. I would like to nominate the following:
1. littlerayofsunsian
2. ipsitanayak07
3. K. L. Register
4. Ankit Mishra
5. womenwhothinktoomuch
6. Toothless Hedgehog
7. Pratik Akkwar
8. quartervida
9. shewritesoflife
10. typingandthinking
11. littlemissunsure

I would really love to read your answers and know you more! Thus the nominations. Following are my questions:
1. You started a blog because?
2. What do you love doing the most? Any activity.
3. Your favorite writer and the book you like most.
4. Describe one trait of yours that you find silly.
5. First childhood memory that comes to your mind?
6. You are most comfortable in what kind of clothes?
7. Summers or winters? Why?
8. Something you have learnt from your parents?
9. Do you think you’ll be writing after 5 years from now?
10. Best and the worst thing you find about technology?
11. If you had to keep a pet, what would it be?(the ones already having can describe theirs)

To the people I have linked, please do oblige if you find time. :). Ciao.