Time is flying! Really! I was perusing through my About page and I realized I have to update my age again..I just turned 26 a week back. Officialy treading to the tumultuous path of adulthood. So, after one crosses 25, aren’t we supposed to be like oh well! yeah! age is just a number. I don’t know though. I still want gifts and cakes and all “it’s your day” drama around me. Birthdays are a big deal for me.
So anyway, this one went quite smooth as I was on a road trip to a friend’s wedding who decided to get married on my birthday(!). Speaking about weddings, my friends are on a full-fledged nuptial spree. They are either hitched or in the process to be. Everyone is talking about it or thinking about it. And here I am..attending back to back marriage functions, in December, Feb, March, April..Phew.
And also, here I am, clueless about my own future. Questions come at me like…do you want to go for love marriage or arranged marriage? And I am answering things like, I don’t want to go for marriage. Which is true though, per my current state of mind. I mean how does a marriage define you are on the right ladder of your journey? I have no thoughts in my mind lately. I also am hating the fact that I am growing apart to some of these so-called “friends”. Makes me question the very foundation that, Were we even friends at the first place?
So anyway, as I age, things are getting murkier. People are changing. I am changing. I know not what is right, nor what is age appropriate. I know it is my journey, and I have to traverse it on my own rules.
P.S.These are all pics from the weddings I attended in the past few months. Lots of fun, food, dance, happy moments.
What do I say? I had been out for a friend’s wedding in Mumbai. I am at an all time low since my return. Reasons? Galore. There is this sense of detachment. Of nothingness. Of futility. I am low because the whole marriage affair didn’t entice me much. I mean, of course I was happy for my friend and I smiled all along, but I even got the feeling simultaneously that I won’t fit in the bill. I wouldn’t want to do these things. I might have at one point in the past, but I am so averse to it right now. Cannot fathom the whys and whats of it. Why am I sad but? Lack of sense of purpose I suppose. If not marriage at least I should be willing to do something of my life right? So lost. So so lost. Don’t want lectures. Don’t want communication. Don’t want nothing. Let me rue for a few days more. Till then here is my pretty picture from the wedding..all things girly..(when have my doldrums ever stopped me from dressing up..). Adios!
#can be classified under my stupid quest for happiness.
I don’t know what to be. I don’t know what is likable, or what is acceptable. I am just going on. A non existential person going on with her life. I have my bits scatterred here and there. One or two people in my life…I am living them. I don’t talk to them often…I don’t see them often..I prefer not to talk ABOUT them often..but I am practically living them. My behaviour, my nuances, my laughs, my decisions, these people are everywhere. I don’t understand why some people affect you so deeply. We part but we don’t really part. Not in our heads atleast. He claims we’ll meet some day. I want to believe it but fear gets the better of me. I have stopped wrenching my brains over it.
I am writing after quite a few days. Had been on a trip to Gujarat. First of my college friend’s wedding. It was a treat. Got to dress up all girly. Loved the food, the couple, the vibe, the wedding. Danced for our friend, for the happiness in our hearts. Loads of good wishes. Made me less aversive to the idea of marriage. I am just saying. The beach was calm as ever. The people were heart warming. Many delightful moments with my two good friends over the journey. I got to eat dhokla. Something I love about Gujju food. I am an erratic person, or so I believe, and this trip has surprisingly made me more quite. Every new place I visit changes me in a way or other. It’s not intended to happen but I return as a modified version of me. Life is happening all around me and I am taking it in without prejudice. Don’t ask me questions, I won’t have proper answers at this moment.