Days when I don’t talk, I am waiting for the storm to settle. For my senses to resurface. Run back to the routine. Everything is bleak yet there is a comfort in the unknown. I am all up for novel experiences, and this unabashed uncertainty is the first of its sorts. Did I say too much, do I go too far? Where do I stand? What do I want? Days when I am not talking, these rigmarole of questions keep hitting my conscience.
I am wading away from the past, subconsciously. It pricks me a bit because past was my idea of perfection. Now, it is gone. But present is here, and present looks good too. :).
How do you stay sane in a mad mad world
How do you embrace the new and renounce what is familiar
How do you appease the antsy nerves
How do you trick time in your favour
How does one’s discomfort end
How do the seasons blend
How to stay your true self
And know there is nothing wrong
How do you NOT fear the unknown
How do you not assimilate
Not shape your actions based on perceptions
How does one trust and not feel stupid about it
How do these questions get answered?
P.S. – Feeling queasy on a perfectly fine Saturday morning 😐.
Saturday morning. Pensive mood. Looking forward to living this day. Happiness is in you. Make it last. Spread it around. Turning 25 soon. Not liking it. Still smiling. Exploring new phone. Virtual world is boring me. And yet I am blogging here. Bits of virtual world are boring me. Not finding genuine emotions to cater to. Staying away from human kind. Short sentences. Lesser words. Wishing someone tried to understand the silence. People give you every reason to walk away. Yet you decide to stay. It is difficult. So darn difficult.
I don’t know what to be. I don’t know what is likable, or what is acceptable. I am just going on. A non existential person going on with her life. I have my bits scatterred here and there. One or two people in my life…I am living them. I don’t talk to them often…I don’t see them often..I prefer not to talk ABOUT them often..but I am practically living them. My behaviour, my nuances, my laughs, my decisions, these people are everywhere. I don’t understand why some people affect you so deeply. We part but we don’t really part. Not in our heads atleast. He claims we’ll meet some day. I want to believe it but fear gets the better of me. I have stopped wrenching my brains over it.
I am writing after quite a few days. Had been on a trip to Gujarat. First of my college friend’s wedding. It was a treat. Got to dress up all girly. Loved the food, the couple, the vibe, the wedding. Danced for our friend, for the happiness in our hearts. Loads of good wishes. Made me less aversive to the idea of marriage. I am just saying. The beach was calm as ever. The people were heart warming. Many delightful moments with my two good friends over the journey. I got to eat dhokla. Something I love about Gujju food. I am an erratic person, or so I believe, and this trip has surprisingly made me more quite. Every new place I visit changes me in a way or other. It’s not intended to happen but I return as a modified version of me. Life is happening all around me and I am taking it in without prejudice. Don’t ask me questions, I won’t have proper answers at this moment.
A working Saturday…not my ideal way to spend a weekend. Anyway, it is almost ending now. I have been sleeping a lot lately. Not discussing my feelings to anybody in detail. I just go in the flow of their topics of conversation. Nodding. Responding. Smiling. Actually, I myself am not sure how am I feeling in precise sense. Unaffected. Well that’s not true. Things affect me. Pretty much. After a long time, I have re-started eating in company of some office colleagues. Almost been two months. For some reason, it makes me feel bounded. I have to eat fast, because otherwise I am tortoise paced. They speak other language, and I don’t find myself curious even to ask. I think I am being too harsh. They are nice people but I do feel restrained. I like my kind of people. I have some. I like talking about movies, words, shopping and other funny stuff and not about job and career and work! I like to eat sweet corn sitting by the bus stand, talking and I like having ice cream and sharing it from the same cup. Well, then again I prefer it with specific entities. Why so specific! Why so choosy? God knows. I like the idea of imaginary bubble world. I mean what’s so wrong about it if it brings smile to your face! Reality is hard and demands a mature you. May be I am good with my own stupid thoughts and impromptu decisions that go on and off! I don’t know how one plans future because I never have. I might have pictured some pretty things like a swing in my own house, some cozy movie night along with my guy in the couch, long walks etc etc..but this is not planning future right. For now, bubble world is good, it is comforting me. I’ll come back to reality intermittently and check if I can handle it.