I can list down the reasons but cannot really explain why. It’s just a mix of everything.
Nothing seems completely right. I seem to be losing my touch. What do you do when you face your flaws? When you realise your shortcomings. When some people point it out to you. Or may be even bring it out in you.
I would like to wade off negativity. Some things just pull you down and I don’t want to waste my time over them. A sense of purposelessness prevails. Nothing is bringing pure joy or even a whole hearted smile. I am changing for the worse. I don’t feel myself, now that I am not exuding positive energy.
Mann karta hai bhaag jaun kahin. Akele.
I wish to run away somewhere, that is. Alone.
What a respite it would be, to not be answerable to anyone, not to compromise, not to fidget, not to struggle, or utter words out of spite.
Heal first, if you are wounded, before correcting the things around you. Find your light first. Seek and ye shall find.
I am deciding to be productive from tomorrow. It’s a little difficult to make up your mind for something when you’re going through a problem, but baby steps could help. I have been stalling to learn French since forever. It’s been a very on again, off again relationship with the language since 3 years but I absolutely love it. And I am resolving to become fluent in it by the end of 2020. That gives me about eight months in hand. C’mon girl! You can do it.
I see the flowers and they are smiling at me. I smile back. They say to me, “Your smile is infectious. Smile often, dear girl.”
Je vois les fleurs et ils me sourient. Je souris en retour. Ils me disent: <<Ton sourire est infectieux. Souris souvent, chère fille.>>
I haven’t been myself for over a year. Could you imagine?
It’s come to a point where I can no longer sensibly process my thoughts. I feel weak. I feel fragile. Broken. Small. Ashamed. Insecure. Incapable. Worthless. Lost. SAD. Anxious. Confused. Did I mention weak already?
Oh my god! From being my own motivator to see myself like this, it kind of makes me want to say a huge SORRY to myself. So that’s what I am going to do right now. I am going to apologize to myself and you could be party to it.
I am sorry for giving too much of myself away to be with someone.
I am sorry for not caring about my health enough or can I say at all.
I am sorry to let another person’s view affect my sense of belief.
I am sorry to cry about something mean someone said out of their own fears.
I am sorry to have thought so small of myself.
I am sorry that people aren’t always nice and that in turn shouldn’t turn you bitter.
I am sorry for not relishing what I have.
I am sorry for not counting my blessings.
I am sorry for overlooking the problems faced by the people around me.
I am sorry for having dark circles around my eyes and a loss of weight, a loss of appetite, a loss of interest in things.
I am sorry, every time my ears flared up out of anxiety, moments of immense trepidation, insecurity, I am sorry I let someone’s action control me like that.
I am sorry to have become so dependent.
I am sorry to have my happiness taken lightly.
I am sorry to have myself be taken lightly.
I am sorry for locking myself in my room, for not stepping out for two days.
I am sorry for giving up on all my hobbies.
I am sorry to have cried endlessly and stressing myself to sleep.
I am sorry to have woken up depressed.
I am sorry for being inconsiderate because of my own mental struggles.
I am sorry for losing control of myself.
I am sorry for obsessing about something not worth obsessing.
I am sorry for giving others power over me.
I am sorry to have forgotten my worth, to all the moments of self-doubt.
I am sorry, I am really, really sorry you amazing, caring, loving, harmless, strong, independent, resilient, patient, smart, wise, quirky piece of a human being. I am sorry to put you in the back seat.
From here on, each day, every day, I am going to work towards building myself again. Be kind. And reflect my happy energy on to others. There is enough sadness and grief and complications in this life. Not just for me, for everyone around me. And I am going to treat everyone better, including myself.
Every time a person leaves you or parts way with you, they take a little bit of sparkle from your eyes. The eyes don’t shine so bright now as they used to. You can’t tell from the body language or the smile on one’s face. But eyes, they emote, they do the talking. Sometimes when I am in middle of a conversation I roll my eyes down or look away, so it doesn’t become obvious to the other person…my lost sparkle.
I have decided..like right now-right now, I won’t be grappled by sadness. It comes easy to me. Worrying, missing, shedding a tear, lamenting. I know the pattern now. I fuel it, and it never gets better. Sometimes I feel obligated to be sad. Oh! Such a terrible episode of my life. How can I lighten up? Like this behavior is expected of me. Go by the books, stay in the rut. If I smile, 2% guilt will tag along. So…This ain’t going right. I am not doing it right. I am not required to document my struggle. Struggle is part of life, not necessarily the gist of it. O dearest whacky lil self! Let’s check out the road less traveled. Dust the shelves. Let’s tread the perky path. Tough task here is to discover, what makes me happy. I’ll find my way (Hands doing that peace out gesture).
I scroll through my cell phone. There is this neediness in me seeking one person I can talk my heart out to. I realize it is not going to help. In silent introspection, it dawns upon me that I am not seeking someone. I am only yearning for you. It makes sense too. How could a Lime Soda quench one’s thirst for Coke? Sure it will keep me full for a while but it won’t work as right. So I leave my cell as it is. Truly speaking, I am not even yearning. You have left me convincingly destructed though. Come and see for yourself.
When people decide to leave you, why don’t they leave a manual behind with “What to do next?” notes. How exasperating it is to toil day and night, smile, talk, engage and then look down at your hands, close your eyes and say to yourself, it is fine; you’ll be fine. Yeah people who care, they say, don’t romanticize your situation girl! But I will ask, why not? How do I not? It is coming to me naturally. The agony. The trouble. The restlessness. The sleeplessness. The craziness. The abruptness. Each one attacking like a storm. I feel like some abandoned bad habit. Actually, no. Even bad habits get their own time to wane. So what happens now? Of people like me, who dig too deep emotionally? Till I don’t find an answer, I will keep shutting my eyes and reassuring myself, it’s alright. It is all fine.
Taking a deep breath and clicking on this plus sign to write something…I am sad. There i admitted it. Not as sad like 🙁 but sad like :|. Ever since i lost this person in my life i have been sad. Actually he lost me, and see what have i done to myself! Feel like a walking machine. Like a void has occupied my system ever since. Doing all the normal things human beings do…bath, brush, eat, sleep. Stay busy. Then again i say to myself..enough of this crap! ENOUGH of sulking! My friends are getting tired of my behavior. I myself am getting tired of it. Let’s end it here, I daily repeat to myself. Has made me realize how inconsistent I am on my words. God if you are out there, i think you are reading this. And I think you are checking on me. Please get me out of this mess. I am reaching out to you with all my earnest emotions. Year is coming to an end. Let’s give it a rest. No more sulky posts. No more rantings. Seriously. Turn me into a free bird this year. If that is too much to ask for, please turn me into a fledgling at the least. I’ll find my way out from there.