I haven’t been myself for over a year. Could you imagine?
It’s come to a point where I can no longer sensibly process my thoughts. I feel weak. I feel fragile. Broken. Small. Ashamed. Insecure. Incapable. Worthless. Lost. SAD. Anxious. Confused. Did I mention weak already?
Oh my god! From being my own motivator to see myself like this, it kind of makes me want to say a huge SORRY to myself. So that’s what I am going to do right now. I am going to apologize to myself and you could be party to it.
I am sorry for giving too much of myself away to be with someone.
I am sorry for not caring about my health enough or can I say at all.
I am sorry to let another person’s view affect my sense of belief.
I am sorry to cry about something mean someone said out of their own fears.
I am sorry to have thought so small of myself.
I am sorry that people aren’t always nice and that in turn shouldn’t turn you bitter.
I am sorry for not relishing what I have.
I am sorry for not counting my blessings.
I am sorry for overlooking the problems faced by the people around me.
I am sorry for having dark circles around my eyes and a loss of weight, a loss of appetite, a loss of interest in things.
I am sorry, every time my ears flared up out of anxiety, moments of immense trepidation, insecurity, I am sorry I let someone’s action control me like that.
I am sorry to have become so dependent.
I am sorry to have my happiness taken lightly.
I am sorry to have myself be taken lightly.
I am sorry for locking myself in my room, for not stepping out for two days.
I am sorry for giving up on all my hobbies.
I am sorry to have cried endlessly and stressing myself to sleep.
I am sorry to have woken up depressed.
I am sorry for being inconsiderate because of my own mental struggles.
I am sorry for losing control of myself.
I am sorry for obsessing about something not worth obsessing.
I am sorry for giving others power over me.
I am sorry to have forgotten my worth, to all the moments of self-doubt.
I am sorry, I am really, really sorry you amazing, caring, loving, harmless, strong, independent, resilient, patient, smart, wise, quirky piece of a human being. I am sorry to put you in the back seat.
From here on, each day, every day, I am going to work towards building myself again. Be kind. And reflect my happy energy on to others. There is enough sadness and grief and complications in this life. Not just for me, for everyone around me. And I am going to treat everyone better, including myself.
Tomorrow, I’ll be shifting to a new house. Somehow managed to pack my stuff with an injured feet through a friend’s help. She was a blessing in disguise. I have been staying in the current room for about three years. To be honest, I am a bit anxious about leaving this place, that I have grown pretty comfortable staying at. Probably the reason why I am writing about it on my last night here.
It took a little while but this became my home. Memories. Moments of all kinds, nerve-wrecking and some breath-taking. Funny as it may sound but this house has witnessed me grow, been my humble abode on good and bad days.
I guess the feeling is natural. You get attached, and then you have to let go. Of course it is a tad bit more flummoxing to people who are emotional, isn’t it? Time to bid adieu. Here’s to changes, for the better. :).
Eons ago when my life was simpler, I used to read this and think..pfff..so dramatic!
Past few days have been anything but simple.
I broke a tooth and had root canal treatment done for my cavity stricken teeth. Did I mention my general fear of dentists and how tormenting my visits were?
This hadn’t ended, was figuring out how to pay the bills and stuff..and in middle of all of this, I had an accident. Skid my bike in rain. It was TERRIBLE, no better words to define it. This happened about five days back and I am limping to date.
I normally don’t like to make a huge deal of things..(haha..what a joke!) but this was the worrrsssssttt. There was this immediate thought when I fell, that some lorry would come from back and flatten me and go! I was wailing from pain in my feet. I felt so deep down in shit that when I called my friend from the hospital, I was laughing and crying all together. Got my mom worried a lot too.
Did find some people to count on, amidst all this, which is good!
Well, I’ll be fine. I am only learning from this. You know what they say right:
P.S. I was supposed to be waking up early and it is 3.44 am! Lord save me, no wake me!
Here is a theory (yep! call me crazy): When you part with someone you love…it becomes kind of obvious that you are going to be Mr./Miss/Mrs. gloomy for a plentiful days. You won’t get out of bed, you won’t eat right, you won’t mingle, you will possibly do all deplorable things to make you much worse than you are. At that point of time, it seems justified, a natural course of action. Like, yeah that person mattered to me, and I am literally down in the dumps without them.
But, how about doing the exact opposite? Say improving yourself for the ones you loved. Yeah let the gloominess phase out; if it doesn’t, limp, crawl, somehow, fight out of it. Sure, getting out of the bed seems like a hill to surmount. You are better than that, heck I am better than that. Wonder what it would be like, if you just sat and decided to be a better version of yourself. I mean what’s there to lose now right? Store the residuals in a locker or something. Do something good. Something fulfilling, that delights you. Take up some activity out of your comfort zone, learn something you are entirely new to. Imagine, if you ever meet this person somewhere down the lane, you could just smile and say, your love made me stronger.
Okay, so, nothing particular in my mind lately. I am toiling, reviving, usual stuff; you know, jumbled up in my own world of life scenarios. Just when I was stuck on what to write next, this sweet kido(feels so darn grown up calling teenagers kido!) nominated me for the three-day quote challenge. Thank you girl! I very much needed it. Guys do check out her blog.. :-).
So, I haven’t been talking much lately, to anyone, or expressing in general. It seems like talking would do no good. Or may be there is nothing to talk about. And this quote somewhere got me good..there goes..
I have decided..like right now-right now, I won’t be grappled by sadness. It comes easy to me. Worrying, missing, shedding a tear, lamenting. I know the pattern now. I fuel it, and it never gets better. Sometimes I feel obligated to be sad. Oh! Such a terrible episode of my life. How can I lighten up? Like this behavior is expected of me. Go by the books, stay in the rut. If I smile, 2% guilt will tag along. So…This ain’t going right. I am not doing it right. I am not required to document my struggle. Struggle is part of life, not necessarily the gist of it. O dearest whacky lil self! Let’s check out the road less traveled. Dust the shelves. Let’s tread the perky path. Tough task here is to discover, what makes me happy. I’ll find my way (Hands doing that peace out gesture).
Love is that, you don’t say much but unwarily shows in your eyes.
Love is what tests your might, when everything is asunder and nothing is right.
Love is when you see their name and a smile weaves on your face.
Love is in those lonely walks and how it craves you to death for their company.
Love is in those sleepless nights.
Love is abound when you secretly cry.
Love is what surpasses time.
Love is intact even when distances arrive.
Love is in every prayer you hymn.
Love is when you say nothing outside but feel a zillion things inside.
Love is when those fidgety fingers don’t listen to your mind.
Love is in your words.
Love is in the silence.
Love is poetic.
Love is painful.
Love fails and Love perseveres.
Love is beautiful. Love is equally fucked up.
Love is crazy, moody, sweet, strong, emotional, foolish and on and on and on…
To understand what love is, you have to be in love!
P.S. Came across this quote by chance and it touched those chords inside me.
I could have waited till the end of time…till what they call eternity…till what could have seemed forever..till time lost its meaning..I really could have. But you never asked. My shredded pieces did yearn. My tears lost touch with eyes and kept falling for my cheeks. I would be startled thinking..what the fuck is wrong with them! I know you didn’t mean any harm, but you did plenty. Now when I am healing or so it seems, I only want peace and quiet. Harmony..is that too much to ask for?
You know what they say, every end has a new beginning. May we stay etched in time. May we grow past this and wish each other well. May we last in parallel universes. :).