Sometimes, I feel it is an okay thing to be lost and dreamy. To be so immersed in your own disorderliness that propriety feels uncanny. You get comfortable in your skin, not vain, yet extremely defensive of any change suggested otherwise. Things that made you extremely insecure at one point of time do not make much sense now. You have outgrown your own subtle dilemmas; outgrown some ties; probably outgrown some people too. Came in terms with your follies. Forgiven yourself and forgiven people who may have wronged you in the past.
Watched this movie today: Mr.Nobody, and got stuck to a quote from it:
Every path is the right path. Everything could have been anything else and it would have just as much meaning.
Living in peace does seem like a ridiculously difficult summit to achieve but one can always work in that direction.
P.S. : The title could even be Sleep Deficit Grown up talks. :D.
Do you ever wish that you fall asleep and your closest most beloved person comes and strokes your hair all warmly and gently. You don’t wake up, but shrink a little more, smiling, in their surrounding. That touch is so familiar yet so strangely vital to your existence. Every one wants some loving, some mushy mush. We are prone to human intimacy. There is no denying that. But then we get entangled in the cobwebs of who we want, who wants us, stars not aligning, lovers not meeting and all of that crap. Stupid happenings. So for people who have their partners close with them right now, snuggle them tight. Hold on to them. Cuddle it out. And for people like me, who (currently)feel at bay, hold on to your pillows and stuff toys for now, your snuggle buddy is around the corner. 🙂 , 😛 !
If someone comes along and glues your broken pieces together and then crushes you suddenly, ain’t that double the harm done?! The once glued broken pieces will further shatter into tiny shards, you know n*2 times, and eventually you will just vanish like the dust. Lately, I am not understanding how human relations work. What is supposedly right? What is morally right? How to deal with situations that are beyond your control? I sure tell myself, don’t turn into a crazy person, but I have symptoms galore. This is not even frustration, it is like I have come in terms with the restless side of me. God is not helping too. Will do something absurd in coming days to feel better. May be cut short my hairs.
Everything works out…life goes on..we walk past the moments gone by…you carry on..I move on…things happen..days run along..minutes turn into months and months shape into years…seasons roll by…flip flap flip flap…time slips away like water through my hands…I settle..I sober up..normalcy runs through my veins again..BUT nights….darn the nights don’t pass..they feel eternally long.
There i am again…not getting sleep like normal humans. 2.30 am. No man is an island. But i am so feeling like an island these days. Who likes a person stuck up in past?! Even i don’t. I am clueless on how to react or behave these days. Nothing, absolutely nothing is calming me down. There is a lot of pretense I am practising. I want to move on. From this person. From this episode. Something is stuck but. Some sort of unfinished business. I am praying all earnestly that i walk past through all this. Shed tears, wake up at nights, walk long walks..but just get over it. The added problem is discussing it with people makes it all banal and meaningless. Like okay…it happens every other day with every other person. Ergo the island feeling. Is this what psychiatrists term as depression?! I am not “depressed” actually. I have this urge to attain normalcy. I am eating, walking, talking, doing regular stuff, even dancing and smiling. But that knot in my head somewhere…ughh i want to break it open. This is what “struggling” feels like. Few years down the lane, i’ll come back, re-read this and wonder…why did i make such a big fuss? What was the drama all about. I really wish i could traverse to some other time now.
Discombobulated! Yeah that is the word for the day.
I would want the coming days to be associated with following words:
Levity..Tranquility..Bliss..Plain intrinsic bliss. Well the world thrives on hope!
I’ll find a way..
The night is seeming tiringly long..and there are no signs of sleep knocking on my door any time soon. Somehow penning down my gibberish here at this untimely hour gives me some comfort. I could do it in my private journal but writing it down here is like spreading your words out to million stars…like a transmitter sending out some signal…and some receiver might fetch it! I wonder if someone out there is lying on their bed and strolling through the blogs in search of nothing; just as I am penning down words without giving a second thought. I mean who cares?! I can say anything i want…i could shout out loud (metaphorically)..iiiiii loooooove darkkkk chocolate cakes!!! And i loooove the way the word resplendent sounds…What more? I want to wear something bright tomorrow. I want to buy a dslr camera very soon for my upcoming trip. I want to go out in the night somewhere peaceful and feel the chilly winter breeze in my bones. I wish i get up early tomorrow…that if i ever get sleep. I want this weird phase to end. This “loner-blank headed-not getting sleep at nights” phase!
I will sign off now..good night you stars..