You were not my type. You didn’t fall under my bracket of volition. And you did not remotely match to any of my checklist points. We were yet another rendition of opposites attract, and you were a classic, clichéd risk. I am not trying to find a pattern here. And I do not intend on recollecting all the details of our past, but what I do remember, is that you made me laugh. And somehow, it meant the world. If I close my eyes, like even a blink, it all comes back to me in tiny speedy flashes of fire and snow together at once. I get confused, what to feel. The bliss of loving or the sorrow of parting. Ever since you have gone, I don’t know what I miss more: you or myself.
P.S.: Couldn’t find a title. Could be post Valentine’s effect.
Every time a person leaves you or parts way with you, they take a little bit of sparkle from your eyes. The eyes don’t shine so bright now as they used to. You can’t tell from the body language or the smile on one’s face. But eyes, they emote, they do the talking. Sometimes when I am in middle of a conversation I roll my eyes down or look away, so it doesn’t become obvious to the other person…my lost sparkle.
I scroll through my cell phone. There is this neediness in me seeking one person I can talk my heart out to. I realize it is not going to help. In silent introspection, it dawns upon me that I am not seeking someone. I am only yearning for you. It makes sense too. How could a Lime Soda quench one’s thirst for Coke? Sure it will keep me full for a while but it won’t work as right. So I leave my cell as it is. Truly speaking, I am not even yearning. You have left me convincingly destructed though. Come and see for yourself.
When people decide to leave you, why don’t they leave a manual behind with “What to do next?” notes. How exasperating it is to toil day and night, smile, talk, engage and then look down at your hands, close your eyes and say to yourself, it is fine; you’ll be fine. Yeah people who care, they say, don’t romanticize your situation girl! But I will ask, why not? How do I not? It is coming to me naturally. The agony. The trouble. The restlessness. The sleeplessness. The craziness. The abruptness. Each one attacking like a storm. I feel like some abandoned bad habit. Actually, no. Even bad habits get their own time to wane. So what happens now? Of people like me, who dig too deep emotionally? Till I don’t find an answer, I will keep shutting my eyes and reassuring myself, it’s alright. It is all fine.
Does it help, if I admit that I miss you at molecular level. Or if I say you are snatching away my nights. Does my abnormality resulting from your silence give you relief. Should I mention the constant residual uneasiness you have bequeathed upon me. I don’t find the need to check my cell phone these days. I don’t ponder lately on how I look in front of the mirror. Couldn’t you beguile me a little less? Couldn’t you have loved me a little fainter? Why was the passion required. Were those unrestrained talks really necessary. I am on a thin line between whether I want to recover from you or not. I fear nothing would match up to you and when it does, I would fear forgetting you. Mind isn’t ready to stack you as a thing of the past. You might be indifferent. You might have moved on. You might be yearning. You might have come in terms. You might be struggling too. I have no way to find. For a moment I wish I was little more self obsessed so I could think less of you. Love and the trepidation it brings along!
Then again, I don’t want us to be uncertain. Paddling with insecurities. I will accept our fall. I will embrace your absence in my bones, make it a part of living. Life shouldn’t stop on incomplete stories. We’ll be fine, you and I. Our story, short, romantic, fervent, incomplete, beautiful, sad; but our’s at the end.
Silence never intrigued me.
Silence was comforting with a close friend. Silence was awkward with a stranger. Silence was an accomplice when sitting alone. Silence was beautiful amidst verdure. Silence was my food for thought. Silence was one of my character traits. It never captured my attention. Never boggled my mind. Never seemed out-of-place. Never stung.
But your silence, it wrenches my heart. Silence was never, ever, so deafening before.
I am going.
I won’t see you now.
We are not meant to be.
It is not going to happen.
No. Nada. Nah. Never. Ever.
Don’t tell me things I already know.
Tell me how beautiful I look with those brown eyes.
Tell me what tickles your fantasy.
Tell me your childhood stories.
Tell me a song you like.
Tell me you will miss me.
Tell me to smile.
Deprived of sleep since three nights.
So anything I write probably won’t come out right. I know what is to be done. I know the sane route. I know shit happens. I know each problem is temporary. Yeah I am those freaky miss know-it-all kinds! But the mind is outrageously protesting normalcy. It wants to sulk. It wants to ponder. It wants to sit still and lament. It wants to hold on to something that is left no more. Uhh shudder. The pain and toll of separation. Even sounds so over the top schmaltzy.
It’s a shame we got jinxed baby!
Just give me back my sleep.
P.S. Readers, kindly bear.