Who could have imagined? That we will ever experience something like this. Seems like we are playing a part in some zombie/apocalyptic/pandemic movie(last one being a reality right now). With no one on the streets; Logarithmic graphs rising exponentially. Super markets appearing to be danger zones. Masks. Gloves. Hand wash. 2 metres distance. Cough. Sneeze. News. Cooped up in home. Of course the toilet rolls. And still a long way to go.
Every thing is halted. Universe has intervened in an unprecedented manner. There must be a reason for all this. Something must have gone eerily wrong and needed a stop. Human kind is deliberated to sit and ponder. Well, so will I abide.
I am keeping it low key. Focusing on my self. One day at a time. Reading books. Staying off phone. Movies. Exercise. Funny memes. A little French learning. Simple things, you know.
I am keeping myself busy. Last emotional outburst was about eight days back, which is an achievement, trust me. Pushing myself to not skip my evening meals. Reading regularly. Taking deep breaths when I start panicking. I do have those moments in a day where I just want to shut my thoughts because they make me so upset. I am hurt. And I need to accept that and take steps to better myself.
Anything and everything acts like a trigger. One moment I would be walking down the street, all cheerful(very momentary feeling these days) and another moment tears start rolling down my eyes. It’s difficult. It helps when I am listening to others talk. Kind of takes my mind off things. Probably documenting my journey would help. Writing has always been my outlet. Not that I am an expert at it. But enough with the self-doubt. Am I right?!
On that note, caught the first sight of spring today. I probably started paying attention now. It was a delight to see some flowers bloom. See those white little thingies? Well, made me smile.
I haven’t been myself for over a year. Could you imagine?
It’s come to a point where I can no longer sensibly process my thoughts. I feel weak. I feel fragile. Broken. Small. Ashamed. Insecure. Incapable. Worthless. Lost. SAD. Anxious. Confused. Did I mention weak already?
Oh my god! From being my own motivator to see myself like this, it kind of makes me want to say a huge SORRY to myself. So that’s what I am going to do right now. I am going to apologize to myself and you could be party to it.
I am sorry for giving too much of myself away to be with someone.
I am sorry for not caring about my health enough or can I say at all.
I am sorry to let another person’s view affect my sense of belief.
I am sorry to cry about something mean someone said out of their own fears.
I am sorry to have thought so small of myself.
I am sorry that people aren’t always nice and that in turn shouldn’t turn you bitter.
I am sorry for not relishing what I have.
I am sorry for not counting my blessings.
I am sorry for overlooking the problems faced by the people around me.
I am sorry for having dark circles around my eyes and a loss of weight, a loss of appetite, a loss of interest in things.
I am sorry, every time my ears flared up out of anxiety, moments of immense trepidation, insecurity, I am sorry I let someone’s action control me like that.
I am sorry to have become so dependent.
I am sorry to have my happiness taken lightly.
I am sorry to have myself be taken lightly.
I am sorry for locking myself in my room, for not stepping out for two days.
I am sorry for giving up on all my hobbies.
I am sorry to have cried endlessly and stressing myself to sleep.
I am sorry to have woken up depressed.
I am sorry for being inconsiderate because of my own mental struggles.
I am sorry for losing control of myself.
I am sorry for obsessing about something not worth obsessing.
I am sorry for giving others power over me.
I am sorry to have forgotten my worth, to all the moments of self-doubt.
I am sorry, I am really, really sorry you amazing, caring, loving, harmless, strong, independent, resilient, patient, smart, wise, quirky piece of a human being. I am sorry to put you in the back seat.
From here on, each day, every day, I am going to work towards building myself again. Be kind. And reflect my happy energy on to others. There is enough sadness and grief and complications in this life. Not just for me, for everyone around me. And I am going to treat everyone better, including myself.
Chocolate pastries are my respite these days. They are really perking me up. I am learning to deal with trauma. Now calling my situation trauma makes it outright stupid. :D. I am dealing with something though. Learning how to be with myself. Laughing at my own stupidities. Massive shoe shopping(don’t know what’s up with that!!!). Trying out new things..like for instance green food..spinach. I am totally aversive to it, so it’s kind of a big deal. I cooked after a decade..well after a sabbatical atleast. And i burnt it. My food. Yesterday. I was in some other zone..forgot to pour water. Came to another room. And then I am hearing noises..chht…ppttt…tktt…you know of burning..held my head in shock. My frying pan all black. What is that expression….face palm for myself!
It’s cool. It’s alright. I mean life in general. I never write on anything in particular..you know..news..politics..sports. Neither do I probe into the fiction zone. Not quite sure what I do here. It does make me happy though..when I read about people going through different phenomenons in their lives and to realize that I am just one of them. People go through worst and still manage to smile. Assures me that it’s okay to be sparkly on some days and laggardly on others. :). It’s all in the moments. What you make of the moments.