Grey

Some days, it hurts a little more. And some days, I don’t feel like getting out of the bed.

A bad dream started my day on a bad note. I was perturbed for the rest of the day, without an explanation. I remained quiet, no outbursts. A snarky remark here and there, but no outbursts. And then, the feeling spiralled down to worse. With me having no hold of it.

And my day is ending badly too. Restless, annoyed, angry at something. I am a bit worried about the future. I am a little unsatisfied with the present. Stuck with a pertinent thought that’s not ready to leave me. Ignoring it, brushing it under the rug, facing it. The feeling doesn’t go away. It just wouldn’t. I can tell it’s getting better over time, but something innocent is ruined. It upsets me a lot.

I wouldn’t think about it for days and then bam it would hit me. The worse side-effect of this is that I have started disregarding the way people feel. I am becoming a little mean because I have started to believe that everyone is selfish. No deed is selfless. Kindness is layered too.

Being a person who endorses colors, I am hating this shade of grey.

Wounded

Aaaarghhhh…I am frustrated.

I can list down the reasons but cannot really explain why. It’s just a mix of everything.

Nothing seems completely right. I seem to be losing my touch. What do you do when you face your flaws? When you realise your shortcomings. When some people point it out to you. Or may be even bring it out in you.

I would like to wade off negativity. Some things just pull you down and I don’t want to waste my time over them. A sense of purposelessness prevails. Nothing is bringing pure joy or even a whole hearted smile. I am changing for the worse. I don’t feel myself, now that I am not exuding positive energy.

Mann karta hai bhaag jaun kahin. Akele.

I wish to run away somewhere, that is. Alone.

What a respite it would be, to not be answerable to anyone, not to compromise, not to fidget, not to struggle, or utter words out of spite.

Heal first, if you are wounded, before correcting the things around you. Find your light first. Seek and ye shall find.

2020..Be gentle, please.

The news broke out yesterday that Sushant Singh Rajput has died of suicide; at the age of 34; by hanging himself.

He was a famous, talented actor in the Indian film industry. For some unfathomable reason, this is feeling like a personal loss. Can’t take my mind away from it. Didn’t really follow him, wasn’t a big fan. Had watched his first movie ‘Kai Po Che!’, and remember really loving his part in it.

As any other Indian kid grown up around watching Bollywood movies, I too had know his background story. How he came from humble beginnings, how intelligent he was, with deep thoughts and how he had made it so far. And every time a person reaches great heights through hardships, knowing their story, you always root for them. Inadvertently. At the back of your mind.

So when this news hit the IG feed and group chats yesterday, it was shocking at the least. And I have been immersed in reading about it till now. To a point of exhaustion. It saddens me to think that, there came a moment in his life where he decided his life isn’t worth living. He sure must have tried every other outlet to reach this conclusion. It’s plain difficult for me to process that. His loved ones, their grief. His own anguish or helplessness that lead to this. And no matter how many discussions we have on mental health issues post his death or point fingers, it took a precious life to evoke this very heavy feeling in all of us. These troubled 3 am feelings. May he find his peace.

On that note, be kind friends. To yourself and to others.

Self Pity Sessions

Sometimes I feel so suffocated, it becomes hard to breathe.
When did I become this utterly sad piece of shit?!
I have no peace of mind.
Have been completely disrespecting myself over the past two years.
There has been so much self-doubt that I have lost track of my real self.
And it is becoming so damn difficult to come out of that mindset.
I write this in despair. What do I need to eliminate?
Ruminating over the past.
Feeling weak.
Being sad that life didn’t turn out as I had imagined.
Letting someone ruin my happiness. I am better than that. C’mon!

A major heap of realization came my way, that people are selfish and you have to fend for yourself.
I am genuinely very sad. That’s all I am feeling at the moment.
Things will never be the same again.
And I have to start afresh.

Musings #010

What do you do when you can’t help feeling a certain kind of way? There is no right or wrong to it. But you end up feeling helpless, at the mercy of your own will. I am realising that moving past a mistake is difficult. You know that’s the only way out of your misery. But you can’t seem to do it anyway. The feeling erupts unannounced, and leaves you disappointed over the progress you have made. Makes you feel that you’ll never move on. But you know you will move on. Just need to figure out how. Can’t be impossible, isn’t it?

Musings #009

I wouldn’t try. Not even blink an eye.

Would neither complain nor say a word.

No deliberations, no hurried temptations.

This time, I will just be. Because, I know not another way.

Would smile with the wind, and cry with the rain.

Blend with the changing seasons, adapt where I didn’t belong.

Write crappy poems, and sing forlorn songs.

Spend lonely nights, go on long walks.

Will feel every emotion that’s under the sun.

But I wouldn’t try. I am done trying.

Munchkins

IMG_E2617Missing these two so so much. I had to move them to my parents’ temporarily. I don’t know if it makes any sense to thank two cats on your blog, but I would really like to thank them for keeping me company these past few months.  They probably don’t have a whiff of it but they kept me occupied, didn’t let my mind wander off to places, made me slightly responsible and most of all brought joy to my everyday life. Now that they aren’t around, I just lie in my house like a potato. And I miss them a lot, but I mentioned that already. Until next time munches. You two made me feel like home. Love.

Frenemies

likeA tiny tear dropped from those hazel eyes.

Startled, the eye enquired: “Where have you been? I never imagined I would be so deprived of you. That there will come a day where I have to crave for your visit. We almost lost touch.”

Tear replied: “I am your friend, ain’t I? or Am I your foe now, your barely want to see me?”

Eye gave some thought to it and then told the tear: “May be we are friends and enemies. You are there in happiness and in despair. It almost seems impossible to give you up. Too much of you seems detrimental to health and seeing too little of you makes me anxious. I always know you’ll come around. It’s almost like we go hand in hand. I love your absence and you hate seeing me happy without you.

So frenemies, are we?”

 

Closing few chapters.

I am all over the place. Certain life situations break your heart into pieces. Make you feel like this is the end of it all. Everything slipping out of hands. One having no control over the present. You just have to live through the wretched train of events.

The end of anything beautiful is always painful. Though you pictured and recreated the end in your head a zillion times…this is how it will end..and this is how I will deal with it. And you distance yourself from anything that could remotely hurt or even prick you. Fixed, coped, mended yourself. Let time play its magic on you.

And still, here I am…almost akin to a bruised puppy. Thought I had excelled the art of letting go. It’s funny how time flies and your feelings don’t even budge a centimeter. I read this somewhere…Love what you love with reckless abandon. And what if it only torments you in return?

Live the pain. Embrace it. I would say revel in it. Don’t make your emotions subject to a person’s action. And then love and laugh a little more. Don’t they say every end is a new beginning?

 

 

Quotes #10

Hi there everyone!

No, I haven’t been good. I have to close in few loose ends. Yes, there still is some light in me. I feel too strongly and that will cause the end of me.

This is quote 3 from the three-day Quote challenge given to me by “An Ordinary Girl“. Do visit her blog, she might cheer you up. I am way behind schedule but I am putting pieces back to place. Enervated and debilitated beyond my sensibilities. I really need to rest my mind. Anyway, here goes:

image

“Sometimes, you just have to bow your head, say a prayer, and weather the storm.”

(author unknown)

Actually, I had another quote in mind that said…sometimes, love isn’t enough; but it’s fine..let love not be enough..let it take the heat..let it sink..let it still exist.

My nominations: none this time. I will ensure my next award post is more peppy and interactive. For now, peace out.