Replenishment

I haven’t been myself for over a year. Could you imagine?

It’s come to a point where I can no longer sensibly process my thoughts. I feel weak. I feel fragile. Broken. Small. Ashamed. Insecure. Incapable. Worthless. Lost. SAD. Anxious. Confused. Did I mention weak already?

Oh my god! From being my own motivator to see myself like this, it kind of makes me want to say a huge SORRY to myself. So that’s what I am going to do right now. I am going to apologize to myself and you could be party to it.

  • I am sorry for giving too much of myself away to be with someone.
  • I am sorry for not caring about my health enough or can I say at all.
  • I am sorry to let another person’s view affect my sense of belief.
  • I am sorry to cry about something mean someone said out of their own fears.
  • I am sorry to have thought so small of myself.
  • I am sorry that people aren’t always nice and that in turn shouldn’t turn you bitter.
  • I am sorry for not relishing what I have.
  • I am sorry for not counting my blessings.
  • I am sorry for overlooking the problems faced by the people around me.
  • I am sorry for having dark circles around my eyes and a loss of weight, a loss of appetite,  a loss of interest in things.
  • I am sorry, every time my ears flared up out of anxiety, moments of immense trepidation, insecurity, I am sorry I let someone’s action control me like that.
  • I am sorry to have become so dependent.
  • I am sorry to have my happiness taken lightly.
  • I am sorry to have myself be taken lightly.
  • I am sorry for locking myself in my room, for not stepping out for two days.
  • I am sorry for giving up on all my hobbies.
  • I am sorry to have cried endlessly and stressing myself to sleep.
  • I am sorry to have woken up depressed.
  • I am sorry for being inconsiderate because of my own mental struggles.
  • I am sorry for losing control of myself.
  • I am sorry for obsessing about something not worth obsessing.
  • I am sorry for giving others power over me.
  • I am sorry to have forgotten my worth, to all the moments of self-doubt.

I am sorry, I am really, really sorry you amazing, caring, loving, harmless, strong, independent, resilient, patient, smart, wise, quirky piece of a human being. I am sorry to put you in the back seat.

From here on, each day, every day, I am going to work towards building myself again. Be kind. And reflect my happy energy on to others. There is enough sadness and grief and complications in this life. Not just for me, for everyone around me. And I am going to treat everyone better, including myself.

Mind games

The most agitating feelings of all is to realize someone’s absence and not be able to shake that stupid bug off. Then have a long list of productive things to be done, in your head and watch the time fly by. To be aware of the futility of the situation and still somehow get trapped into nothingness.

I better start off my day. Much to be done. Music coming to the rescue.

P.S.: Be happy with yourself. :).