There are moments in one’s life where simply put, your heart skips a beat.
It could be something very basic. Extremely commonplace. Like a flip of the hair, eyes talking, a very untimely hug. You could be innocently looking at someone when they aren’t aware of it, or just watching a person sleep cosily. A moment that stays with you. Almost like a painting. Tugs your heart chords. Butterflies in the stomach. Makes you slightly breathless. A very specific instance in time when you know you’re truly fucked and there is no turning back.
I speak to the people who experience these moments or register them, it’s a blessing. You don’t have to act on it. It’s the nature harmonising to your tunes and the universe making sense for a very brief time. Cherish it. And that’s all to it.
Some days, it hurts a little more. And some days, I don’t feel like getting out of the bed.
A bad dream started my day on a bad note. I was perturbed for the rest of the day, without an explanation. I remained quiet, no outbursts. A snarky remark here and there, but no outbursts. And then, the feeling spiralled down to worse. With me having no hold of it.
And my day is ending badly too. Restless, annoyed, angry at something. I am a bit worried about the future. I am a little unsatisfied with the present. Stuck with a pertinent thought that’s not ready to leave me. Ignoring it, brushing it under the rug, facing it. The feeling doesn’t go away. It just wouldn’t. I can tell it’s getting better over time, but something innocent is ruined. It upsets me a lot.
I wouldn’t think about it for days and then bam it would hit me. The worse side-effect of this is that I have started disregarding the way people feel. I am becoming a little mean because I have started to believe that everyone is selfish. No deed is selfless. Kindness is layered too.
Being a person who endorses colors, I am hating this shade of grey.
Unable to register my emotions these days. What am I feeling? Are there no exhilarating moments in my day? Is monotony becoming tolerable.
I am feeling a mildly negative set of emotions.
Stressed, from the incessant workload. Looks like work has become my life. Appears like the stakes are too high. Haven’t taken a leave from 8 months. It’s starting to bother me a bit.
Blank, about my travel scenes. I am supposed to fly back to India once my work gets done. But it keeps extending. It’s not in my hands and I feel that loss of control strongly, each passing day.
Moody, on some days, for no reason at all. Well anyway, when does one ever understand the complex enigma of mood swings.
Self-doubt. Have always had this thinking where I believe I am not good enough. Have not accomplished anything. Have left things in between without notice or any thought. I want to get out of this mindset.
Drained. From social media. It’s becoming even more disappointing, with every passing day. I need to shift my focus on to better things. This whole social media frenzy is a waste of time. IG, FB, Quora, Google, news and what not. I take way too many pictures on my phone. I really need to slow down.
Okay, I am done with my rant for today.
Missing someone is such a pain. It leaves you with spongy eyes. And a series of sleepless nights. What am I running away from? I don’t think I’ll escape these thoughts. Or ever escape from you. Tiny grains of your character, flashes of your smile, your peculiarities, unrestrained talks, your blemishes and moments of spark, everything has assimilated into me how colors once blended cannot be separated back. They form a composite shade of something new. I am not the same. I guess, now, I am a composite tone of you. Yes, my tints might have affected your contour as well. But I’ll not let it be my concern anymore. I wouldn’t cringe or beam at the thought of you. I would just be, the newer me.
I don’t believe it, when people say they don’t listen to music. I think it is one thing we should never stop doing. NEVER. EVER. Kind of makes you a robot, if you stop. There is a song out there for every feeling you feel. Happy, sad, neutral, lost, confused, angry, upset, fucked up, raging, restless, distant, loved, each one of those. Find your song. Find some time. Listen to it.
#an utterly long day in my head. Songs coming to the rescue.