I haven’t been myself for over a year. Could you imagine?
It’s come to a point where I can no longer sensibly process my thoughts. I feel weak. I feel fragile. Broken. Small. Ashamed. Insecure. Incapable. Worthless. Lost. SAD. Anxious. Confused. Did I mention weak already?
Oh my god! From being my own motivator to see myself like this, it kind of makes me want to say a huge SORRY to myself. So that’s what I am going to do right now. I am going to apologize to myself and you could be party to it.
I am sorry for giving too much of myself away to be with someone.
I am sorry for not caring about my health enough or can I say at all.
I am sorry to let another person’s view affect my sense of belief.
I am sorry to cry about something mean someone said out of their own fears.
I am sorry to have thought so small of myself.
I am sorry that people aren’t always nice and that in turn shouldn’t turn you bitter.
I am sorry for not relishing what I have.
I am sorry for not counting my blessings.
I am sorry for overlooking the problems faced by the people around me.
I am sorry for having dark circles around my eyes and a loss of weight, a loss of appetite, a loss of interest in things.
I am sorry, every time my ears flared up out of anxiety, moments of immense trepidation, insecurity, I am sorry I let someone’s action control me like that.
I am sorry to have become so dependent.
I am sorry to have my happiness taken lightly.
I am sorry to have myself be taken lightly.
I am sorry for locking myself in my room, for not stepping out for two days.
I am sorry for giving up on all my hobbies.
I am sorry to have cried endlessly and stressing myself to sleep.
I am sorry to have woken up depressed.
I am sorry for being inconsiderate because of my own mental struggles.
I am sorry for losing control of myself.
I am sorry for obsessing about something not worth obsessing.
I am sorry for giving others power over me.
I am sorry to have forgotten my worth, to all the moments of self-doubt.
I am sorry, I am really, really sorry you amazing, caring, loving, harmless, strong, independent, resilient, patient, smart, wise, quirky piece of a human being. I am sorry to put you in the back seat.
From here on, each day, every day, I am going to work towards building myself again. Be kind. And reflect my happy energy on to others. There is enough sadness and grief and complications in this life. Not just for me, for everyone around me. And I am going to treat everyone better, including myself.
Well the damage is already done!
What do we do now? We start writing up a blog…we start changing our choice of songs..we start setting up goals..something we are totally new at…WE get up our asses out of the bed every morning and face the day…and even though nights again remind us of our shitty situation..we try our best to ignore the devious night. I use here WE because I am aware there are many many people at this very moment going through the same life altering phase as I am. It’s no big deal on a larger scale. So you thought you had it all sorted out! So you were ignorantly very happy in your own bubble of fantasies. Your life had found meaning. There were obstacles but you said…i’ll take it all! I’ll be the shield and armor and everything for this person. I’ll bear the brunt and wait for the long haul. I’ll push my limits and test my patience. I’ll do every fricking thing. As long as I have you. And what happened? It came like a huge blow and shattered you to the very core. Like how they show in high definition videos when a gun shot peirces a glass wall and there are shards scattered everywhere. Very dramatic eh?! Heart breaks are always dramatic. And no matter how many times you have experienced it…the next one is always more torturous than its predecessors. So here is my endeavour to recover from a FRESH heart break..feels like end of something beautiful. Had it pictured all differently. And I am no movie character who will rise from the ashes and see new light at some place different. I mean I’ll definitely move on, more so because of my adorably cute traits. But I just want to preserve it at some place safe. Like okay! It couldn’t last forever but i want it etched in history on some strong strong wall so that whatever We had felt and shared will never ever wane and remain intact no matter how many years pass by. May be this one has left me poetic. :P.
So what next? No more falling for wrong people? I don’t know if that’s even possible. I think these wrong people…they have some magnet attached to their bodies and you keep getting drawn. They should come with signboards you know: “Hello! Tread with Caution”
I might have seen some light amidst all this crap. People you love remain loved throughout your life. They might be far and you won’t see or hear from them but they can’t escape your love . :). You know how some sensible people say I am waiting for the right person! I guess i’ll chuck this refined theory and go through all these series of wrong people and find my right guy in the process. I mean who thinks and then falls in love! Robots may be. I am a human. I’ll love with all my might and I’ll make HUGE mistakes and I’ll be fine. Yeah I know that. So my plan ahead is simple: have a heart of gold and keep shining! Some may hurt you..you may hurt some..it’s all very complicated and not worth thinking. Keep it simple and easy.