How does one think beyond the limits of one’s surroundings when one is confined in the same spot for a really long time. No change of scenery, no human interaction, no intimacy, no banters. I feel like my mind has frozen. Stuck in this loop of mundane activities, trying really hard to stay positive but to no avail. These bad thoughts and scary moments sneak their way in, somehow. I want this feeling of unrest to end. I would like to feel the lightness in my steps and have a zinger for my thoughts. It’s not like I am constantly sad. But I would like to be in a state of carefreeness. I know that feeling, I crave for it now more than ever. Peace in solace. Just, plain and simple peace. 🙂
What do you do when you can’t help feeling a certain kind of way? There is no right or wrong to it. But you end up feeling helpless, at the mercy of your own will. I am realising that moving past a mistake is difficult. You know that’s the only way out of your misery. But you can’t seem to do it anyway. The feeling erupts unannounced, and leaves you disappointed over the progress you have made. Makes you feel that you’ll never move on. But you know you will move on. Just need to figure out how. Can’t be impossible, isn’t it?
I am losing confidence in myself. That can’t be good. I decide I am not good at something even before attempting it. Something is not right guys. This isn’t me.
And enough with the self victimization. I am growing old of it myself. Shitty things happen in life. Get over it. There will be new chapters. And better days.
Another noticeable fault in my system is that I am starting my day by looking at my phone screen. My inner angel self(you know out of the two, angel and demon) is questioning it too, ’Girl! Really? Morning with a phone screen!’. And I am not waking up with very good thoughts. Morning then really sets the tone of my day and I am anxious throughout.
I know better. I genuinely do. And I am not looking at my phone when I wake up tomorrow.
My blog, if it were human, must be really mad at me. I have almost abandoned it. To be true, I am lacking resources and also the zeal to keep up with it. Few observations I have had while I was away:
– I am pretty messed up, don’t know if I was so from before or it is something new.
– I most certainly have some eating disorder which might be a result of myriad other issues.
– I am tired of putting up a strong face. People around me say I am hovering negativity around me. I don’t like their suggestions. I don’t like their advice. I don’t know who means well.
– I need to rise above self speculation. Not bother about every sentence that comes out of someone’s mouth. Not be so self involved. There is a whole world of things outside me. Break the bubble.
– There is no need to prove anything to anyone.
– All is well.
I did visit two-three places meanwhile. Some of my friends marriages and a short summer trip to Puducherry. I also cut my hair. Traveling is good. Surroundings are temperate. But I have to sort myself out. Ah.. if only I could use some magic wand and stop growing up! Nothing seems right these days. Nothing gives immense joy. :(. I do not want to be this gloomy person. I am stalling this post here.
I am looking forward to tomorrow…such a beautiful thought to end the day with.
I don’t know where my life is heading towards. I don’t have everything sorted out. I haven’t planned a millisecond ahead of this moment. I have nothing under control. I have no fucking clue. Infact I am clueless as the wind, on which direction to perambulate next. I live in the present. Yet, I look forward to tomorrow. Life ain’t bad.
6:00 am. A lizard is crawling right on top of my wall. They creep me out in totality. For a moment, I thought may be we could turn friends…you know, staying in the same room and stuff! But neither one of us wants to make an effort. Happy in our own space. Anyway, I am at the brink of this weekend. The clock ticks 8 am and the dynamics would change. How strange is that? How rigid is the mind? Sticks to the notions and the set beliefs. If only I could mix Mondays with the Sun-Fun-Sundays!
I am a believer…not a cynic..would only hope for a better day ahead. So, cheers to you-better-work-your-ass-off Mondays! And I hope you guys have a great week ahead of you.
Once you have seen something bad…been through something wrong..your mind becomes cautious. You don’t trust easily…you doubt every good action done to you…you read between the lines…watch every step you take with circumspection. The spontaneity you once fostered is missing..you are wary of taking a full dive this time..you are scared to put your efforts into something new..with the fear of consequences. How wrong could it go? How bad could it be? You’ll hit the ground again? One should never stop believing in miracles. That’s what I have read..seen a zillion times in movies..heard in motivational talks.
If one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better.
I guess Jane Austen is trying to put some sense into me from the yore. Your past may be blue, grey or yellow. It won’t help you determine your present or future’s tint. So I would say..Jump in, again!