I am deciding to be productive from tomorrow. It’s a little difficult to make up your mind for something when you’re going through a problem, but baby steps could help. I have been stalling to learn French since forever. It’s been a very on again, off again relationship with the language since 3 years but I absolutely love it. And I am resolving to become fluent in it by the end of 2020. That gives me about eight months in hand. C’mon girl! You can do it.
I see the flowers and they are smiling at me. I smile back. They say to me, “Your smile is infectious. Smile often, dear girl.”
Je vois les fleurs et ils me sourient. Je souris en retour. Ils me disent: <<Ton sourire est infectieux. Souris souvent, chère fille.>>
Who could have imagined? That we will ever experience something like this. Seems like we are playing a part in some zombie/apocalyptic/pandemic movie(last one being a reality right now). With no one on the streets; Logarithmic graphs rising exponentially. Super markets appearing to be danger zones. Masks. Gloves. Hand wash. 2 metres distance. Cough. Sneeze. News. Cooped up in home. Of course the toilet rolls. And still a long way to go.
Every thing is halted. Universe has intervened in an unprecedented manner. There must be a reason for all this. Something must have gone eerily wrong and needed a stop. Human kind is deliberated to sit and ponder. Well, so will I abide.
I am keeping it low key. Focusing on my self. One day at a time. Reading books. Staying off phone. Movies. Exercise. Funny memes. A little French learning. Simple things, you know.
You wouldn’t believe if I lay down all my woes. You will find a way to diminish their weight. I am feeling the things I am feeling not for any other reason but that I cannot help feeling. I wish I could stop it all. I wish to go back in time where life wasn’t throwing these lessons at me. Where birds chirped and lovers squabbled. I write in angst. I write to subside the pain. That flickering ray of positivity still resides in my being. Today is just another day. And tomorrow will bring with it fresh energy.
Whatever it is that is holding me back, it is time to put that aside. I think, in general, I have always been an under-confident person, time and again self doubting my capabilities. Sometimes even settling for the less I am afraid. Until I try, I wouldn’t know. Right? Being an optimist helps, because then you see the good in people and find a silver lining in every perplexing situation. That, be good and good comes to you theory y’all! Keeps me content. But for the longest time, I have not felt a drive to prove something, to achieve something, to reach a finish line. I think I will go ahead and set a goal just to amuse myself. As a person, I want to be ever-changing, ever-growing. And if that insists me to step out of my comfort zone, so be it. Let’s do this. To the new challenges and upcoming earnest efforts!
I barely remember what I last wrote about. Loosening ties with myriad things from the past. Is time playing its magic trick? Life is changing. Some days for the better, some days for the worst. I have become more subtle with my reactions and it sometimes scares me. I guess things still affect me but I express them in a more feeble manner. It is hitting more hard than ever to me that everything I experience is fleeting. All the priceless moments and all the tormenting nights. How does one stay sane amidst this chaos of variation? Where nothing is consistent, each day is a new challenge, and any slight indication of stability turns into a farce. I am a living paradox of patience and restiveness. Count me for ages but lose me by the hours. Working on my flaws, taking up healthy habits, getting better each day. Consistency comes with time, isn’t it?
I often feel the world runs too fast for my pace. Like I am a snail trying to keep up with a leopard. And then I ponder, why can’t I take leisure in my pace. Definitely, the leopard and I don’t have a common destination in our minds. I have stopped speculating over the would be’s. At this moment, I have ample reasons to smile. And I find that enough. Nerves being nerves always act crazy, however, there is something different in my stride. Like it has found a way to walk on. The “rasta” so we speak is foggy, full of pebbles and stones, each turn bringing a new surprise. I still like walking on it though. Let’s see where it takes me.
It is strange how sometimes the regular stuff you do becomes irregular and out of sync. Like I am reading after long today, lying awake at 3.25 in the morning, taking screen shots of quotes I like, watching TV shows I enjoy, listening to interviews of my favorite actors, doing stuff I regularly do, after a long pause in time. Have been busy of late, happily busy if I may add. But this feels right. No judgements; no opinions. Safe space in my own bubble.
My bff told me, these are my escape routes, things that I do when I am alone. But it ain’t quite true. I find comfort in these things. I am missing time to do these mundane things. So..what do we do, when world around us changes? We change a bit too, yet keep intact these proclivities. Quirks that make you, you.
Days when I don’t talk, I am waiting for the storm to settle. For my senses to resurface. Run back to the routine. Everything is bleak yet there is a comfort in the unknown. I am all up for novel experiences, and this unabashed uncertainty is the first of its sorts. Did I say too much, do I go too far? Where do I stand? What do I want? Days when I am not talking, these rigmarole of questions keep hitting my conscience.
I am wading away from the past, subconsciously. It pricks me a bit because past was my idea of perfection. Now, it is gone. But present is here, and present looks good too. :).
The most agitating feelings of all is to realize someone’s absence and not be able to shake that stupid bug off. Then have a long list of productive things to be done, in your head and watch the time fly by. To be aware of the futility of the situation and still somehow get trapped into nothingness.
I better start off my day. Much to be done. Music coming to the rescue.
Here is a theory (yep! call me crazy): When you part with someone you love…it becomes kind of obvious that you are going to be Mr./Miss/Mrs. gloomy for a plentiful days. You won’t get out of bed, you won’t eat right, you won’t mingle, you will possibly do all deplorable things to make you much worse than you are. At that point of time, it seems justified, a natural course of action. Like, yeah that person mattered to me, and I am literally down in the dumps without them.
But, how about doing the exact opposite? Say improving yourself for the ones you loved. Yeah let the gloominess phase out; if it doesn’t, limp, crawl, somehow, fight out of it. Sure, getting out of the bed seems like a hill to surmount. You are better than that, heck I am better than that. Wonder what it would be like, if you just sat and decided to be a better version of yourself. I mean what’s there to lose now right? Store the residuals in a locker or something. Do something good. Something fulfilling, that delights you. Take up some activity out of your comfort zone, learn something you are entirely new to. Imagine, if you ever meet this person somewhere down the lane, you could just smile and say, your love made me stronger.