I am 30 years old. April just swooped right past me and I turned a little older a week back. I am grateful for the fact that I can work from home, get paid and only have to complain about my mood swings from time to time. I wish to see my loved ones like everyone else in this situation. I want to remove any toxic traits from my life and work on my betterment. 30 was supposed to be a big deal. It kind of is. Here’s to another decade of growing from experiences. Let life surprise me in new ways. I sleep now.
I have missed you WordPress. My company in solace. Today, I find myself in a deep pit of restlessness again and I come back, trying to find some answers. Could you sit back and cater to my delusional ideas, please. How agitating it is not knowing what you want in life? I find myself drifting away from reality. I am uncomfortable around my friends I once shared great bonds with. Makes me wonder, were they friends at the first place? Family equations are getting complex by the day. I am starting to feel dissatisfied with my work. Too reluctant to advice, too stubborn to changes. I know I need to change certain things about me, I just don’t know where to start and if it is too late. Even if I turn out to be an anomaly, it would help if I was a self-contained one.
What do I say? I had been out for a friend’s wedding in Mumbai. I am at an all time low since my return. Reasons? Galore. There is this sense of detachment. Of nothingness. Of futility. I am low because the whole marriage affair didn’t entice me much. I mean, of course I was happy for my friend and I smiled all along, but I even got the feeling simultaneously that I won’t fit in the bill. I wouldn’t want to do these things. I might have at one point in the past, but I am so averse to it right now. Cannot fathom the whys and whats of it. Why am I sad but? Lack of sense of purpose I suppose. If not marriage at least I should be willing to do something of my life right? So lost. So so lost. Don’t want lectures. Don’t want communication. Don’t want nothing. Let me rue for a few days more. Till then here is my pretty picture from the wedding..all things girly..(when have my doldrums ever stopped me from dressing up..). Adios!
#can be classified under my stupid quest for happiness.
I scroll through my cell phone. There is this neediness in me seeking one person I can talk my heart out to. I realize it is not going to help. In silent introspection, it dawns upon me that I am not seeking someone. I am only yearning for you. It makes sense too. How could a Lime Soda quench one’s thirst for Coke? Sure it will keep me full for a while but it won’t work as right. So I leave my cell as it is. Truly speaking, I am not even yearning. You have left me convincingly destructed though. Come and see for yourself.
When people decide to leave you, why don’t they leave a manual behind with “What to do next?” notes. How exasperating it is to toil day and night, smile, talk, engage and then look down at your hands, close your eyes and say to yourself, it is fine; you’ll be fine. Yeah people who care, they say, don’t romanticize your situation girl! But I will ask, why not? How do I not? It is coming to me naturally. The agony. The trouble. The restlessness. The sleeplessness. The craziness. The abruptness. Each one attacking like a storm. I feel like some abandoned bad habit. Actually, no. Even bad habits get their own time to wane. So what happens now? Of people like me, who dig too deep emotionally? Till I don’t find an answer, I will keep shutting my eyes and reassuring myself, it’s alright. It is all fine.
The beauty of pain is that it seeps into you slowly. It will hurt a lot in the beginning, little later it would sting every waking moment, and then it will ever so slightly pinch and before you know it, you are breathing pain. It becomes this familiar thing to you. You don’t demonstrate any emotions to it. You don’t feel the restlessness anymore. Your face is all bland. You’re all like….dear pain! Come hither, be my guest. Doesn’t matter any more. It’s not that you don’t want to be happy. Yes you do. You try. But that whacky little piece stays. What do you do? Give it space. Freedom. Time. Let it in. And one day without your permission, it will be out.
If someone comes along and glues your broken pieces together and then crushes you suddenly, ain’t that double the harm done?! The once glued broken pieces will further shatter into tiny shards, you know n*2 times, and eventually you will just vanish like the dust. Lately, I am not understanding how human relations work. What is supposedly right? What is morally right? How to deal with situations that are beyond your control? I sure tell myself, don’t turn into a crazy person, but I have symptoms galore. This is not even frustration, it is like I have come in terms with the restless side of me. God is not helping too. Will do something absurd in coming days to feel better. May be cut short my hairs.
#silly talks..absolutely silly!