The fear of losing something or someone is so inherent in me that it becomes really difficult to come out of that shell. I wouldn’t suffer, if I didn’t fear. How does one attain that level of nonchalance? Or are we, as humans, just built to bring upon self-inflicted misery to ourselves?
I terribly miss feeling self-sufficient. It would get lonely at times but I slept in peace. Woke up without stress. It’s funny, I am working towards being someone I once was. I have been writing way too many sad posts. Been paying attention to all the wrong things. There is so much beauty around to savour. It just needs the right eyes.
When you’ve been sad for way too long, any moment of respite scares you. I am speaking for myself. If a person asks how am I doing and I say I am doing okay, it scares me that this is going to vanish soon. Any moment now, the panic will set in. Any moment now, the sadness will take over. Anxiety shall bare its ugly fangs upon me. So I hesitate to answer. I hesitate to acknowledge any sense of calm. Bad thoughts, negative thoughts, shoo, not right now. Not this hour.
I ain’t jubilant today but this feeling of blankness is pretty good too. It means I am making some progress.
Sometimes, I feel it is an okay thing to be lost and dreamy. To be so immersed in your own disorderliness that propriety feels uncanny. You get comfortable in your skin, not vain, yet extremely defensive of any change suggested otherwise. Things that made you extremely insecure at one point of time do not make much sense now. You have outgrown your own subtle dilemmas; outgrown some ties; probably outgrown some people too. Came in terms with your follies. Forgiven yourself and forgiven people who may have wronged you in the past.
Watched this movie today: Mr.Nobody, and got stuck to a quote from it:
Every path is the right path. Everything could have been anything else and it would have just as much meaning.
Living in peace does seem like a ridiculously difficult summit to achieve but one can always work in that direction.
P.S. : The title could even be Sleep Deficit Grown up talks. :D.
Because today is a different day altogether! Some days sail smoothly. And some are like wading through the mud. Slow. Dragging. Heavy. Cumbersome. I try to keep in mind that it is a part of the process. Every path won’t be adorned with roses. Every shade of color won’t soothe your eyes. Every food item you eat won’t spring up your taste buds. We have to know bad to realize how important good is. I guess that is nature’s way of balancing things. We see some pretty, and we see some ugly. That’s how we grow. So dear nerves, rest a little. We’ll take dives again.