Musings #014

The wait has been so long, I cannot bother to recall. My thoughts are haywire and my actions discomposed. My words are in between a pile of mess.

So close to something one has longed for a while. The warmth one has almost forgotten, so much that the thought of revisiting it unsettles me a little. There is an air of nervousness around. A struggle dealt with for a long time alone.

How does one share the bliss when a journey of woes has been traversed alone. It doesn’t seem balanced. I find myself incapable of expressing my emotions of late. Overwhelmed? Perhaps. Anxious? In abundance.

Time does a lot of things. It makes you forget how you once felt. Be it good or bad. And that’s a bit of irony. It would be quite right to say that at times, words simply fail to assist. A few feelings are too fervent to be moulded into words.

Haze

Wounded

Aaaarghhhh…I am frustrated.

I can list down the reasons but cannot really explain why. It’s just a mix of everything.

Nothing seems completely right. I seem to be losing my touch. What do you do when you face your flaws? When you realise your shortcomings. When some people point it out to you. Or may be even bring it out in you.

I would like to wade off negativity. Some things just pull you down and I don’t want to waste my time over them. A sense of purposelessness prevails. Nothing is bringing pure joy or even a whole hearted smile. I am changing for the worse. I don’t feel myself, now that I am not exuding positive energy.

Mann karta hai bhaag jaun kahin. Akele.

I wish to run away somewhere, that is. Alone.

What a respite it would be, to not be answerable to anyone, not to compromise, not to fidget, not to struggle, or utter words out of spite.

Heal first, if you are wounded, before correcting the things around you. Find your light first. Seek and ye shall find.

Musings #010

What do you do when you can’t help feeling a certain kind of way? There is no right or wrong to it. But you end up feeling helpless, at the mercy of your own will. I am realising that moving past a mistake is difficult. You know that’s the only way out of your misery. But you can’t seem to do it anyway. The feeling erupts unannounced, and leaves you disappointed over the progress you have made. Makes you feel that you’ll never move on. But you know you will move on. Just need to figure out how. Can’t be impossible, isn’t it?

Paranoia

I wouldn’t like to use this term loosely but there are days when I am more anxious than the regular days. It could be triggered by any small thing, like a bad dream, a silly Pinterest quote, something that I saw in a movie, a song. What I am learning is, each day is not the same. And some days take a lot of effort from me to stay focused. I can’t help it when the feeling kicks in but keeping my phone away helps, talking to friends helps, talking to your dear ones makes the feeling go away, writing does it too. These are strange times indeed, and then we all have our inner battles to tackle. They say, time fixes things; heals old wounds. I would just call it a bad day and go to sleep. Jittery nerves will figure their way out slowly. Steadily.

Hang in there

3.40 am IST

I would rather sleep…than blog at this untimely hour. You know, healthy habits. Yet… (you can figure out rest of the story!)

I am not quite cognizant about the mechanism of karma…from an amateur perspective…looks like a big term to me..in line with other complicated topic of discussions like soul, yoga, art of living, galaxies, rotational physics, fourier transform, five dimensional space etc… something akin to Christopher Nolan movies! You have got to think little harder. But I do believe in karma. I guess so.

And when I say that, what I mean is…if you do things with a good intention in mind, not trying to put anyone down, not with ulterior motives at the back of your head, not to harm, not to deceive, not just for the sake of doing it; when you put your heart into something, universe makes sure you are served well. Good things will happen to you. Just keep going and hang in there!

P.S. have found a thin white strand of hair amidst my brownish blackish hair that I love and See..I am already talking about karma and stuff!