The wait has been so long, I cannot bother to recall. My thoughts are haywire and my actions discomposed. My words are in between a pile of mess.
So close to something one has longed for a while. The warmth one has almost forgotten, so much that the thought of revisiting it unsettles me a little. There is an air of nervousness around. A struggle dealt with for a long time alone.
How does one share the bliss when a journey of woes has been traversed alone. It doesn’t seem balanced. I find myself incapable of expressing my emotions of late. Overwhelmed? Perhaps. Anxious? In abundance.
Time does a lot of things. It makes you forget how you once felt. Be it good or bad. And that’s a bit of irony. It would be quite right to say that at times, words simply fail to assist. A few feelings are too fervent to be moulded into words.
Some days, it hurts a little more. And some days, I don’t feel like getting out of the bed.
A bad dream started my day on a bad note. I was perturbed for the rest of the day, without an explanation. I remained quiet, no outbursts. A snarky remark here and there, but no outbursts. And then, the feeling spiralled down to worse. With me having no hold of it.
And my day is ending badly too. Restless, annoyed, angry at something. I am a bit worried about the future. I am a little unsatisfied with the present. Stuck with a pertinent thought that’s not ready to leave me. Ignoring it, brushing it under the rug, facing it. The feeling doesn’t go away. It just wouldn’t. I can tell it’s getting better over time, but something innocent is ruined. It upsets me a lot.
I wouldn’t think about it for days and then bam it would hit me. The worse side-effect of this is that I have started disregarding the way people feel. I am becoming a little mean because I have started to believe that everyone is selfish. No deed is selfless. Kindness is layered too.
Being a person who endorses colors, I am hating this shade of grey.
I wouldn’t like to use this term loosely but there are days when I am more anxious than the regular days. It could be triggered by any small thing, like a bad dream, a silly Pinterest quote, something that I saw in a movie, a song. What I am learning is, each day is not the same. And some days take a lot of effort from me to stay focused. I can’t help it when the feeling kicks in but keeping my phone away helps, talking to friends helps, talking to your dear ones makes the feeling go away, writing does it too. These are strange times indeed, and then we all have our inner battles to tackle. They say, time fixes things; heals old wounds. I would just call it a bad day and go to sleep. Jittery nerves will figure their way out slowly. Steadily.
Yesterday was my 1st anniversary with WordPress. I am like that husband who forgets the date and compensates for it a day later! Of course it means a lot to me darling. I have been so busy. bla and blah. Couldn’t find time on the D-day, but I will make up for it today.
So anyway, I am happy about this ONE year thing.
We have had a pleasant journey…I and my blog. It has made me more calm from inside, if you guys know what I mean?
I have had episodes in the last year…heart breaks, journeys, insomnia, moments of doubt, highs and lows. You know, usual human stuff. I have let it all out here and realized that happiness manifolds when you share it with others and blues get pacified at so many levels. Being faulty, or feeling lonely doesn’t come across as weird anymore. People out here are lovely. They have cheered me and appeased me; made me fly high on days I recognized as plain ordinary.
Then, I read what others write. On some days I ponder about it, the other days marvel at it. Some make me sad, some make me jubilant and some make my mouth go wide open! I kind of knew I had this emotional side to me and people here hit the damn right chords. So, THANK YOU all.
I tend to continue.
Happy blogging to myself and everyone reading it. Yoohooo!