Sometimes I feel so suffocated, it becomes hard to breathe.
When did I become this utterly sad piece of shit?!
I have no peace of mind.
Have been completely disrespecting myself over the past two years.
There has been so much self-doubt that I have lost track of my real self.
And it is becoming so damn difficult to come out of that mindset.
I write this in despair. What do I need to eliminate?
Ruminating over the past.
Being sad that life didn’t turn out as I had imagined.
Letting someone ruin my happiness. I am better than that. C’mon!
A major heap of realization came my way, that people are selfish and you have to fend for yourself.
I am genuinely very sad. That’s all I am feeling at the moment.
Things will never be the same again.
And I have to start afresh.
Missing someone is such a pain. It leaves you with spongy eyes. And a series of sleepless nights. What am I running away from? I don’t think I’ll escape these thoughts. Or ever escape from you. Tiny grains of your character, flashes of your smile, your peculiarities, unrestrained talks, your blemishes and moments of spark, everything has assimilated into me how colors once blended cannot be separated back. They form a composite shade of something new. I am not the same. I guess, now, I am a composite tone of you. Yes, my tints might have affected your contour as well. But I’ll not let it be my concern anymore. I wouldn’t cringe or beam at the thought of you. I would just be, the newer me.
I have decided..like right now-right now, I won’t be grappled by sadness. It comes easy to me. Worrying, missing, shedding a tear, lamenting. I know the pattern now. I fuel it, and it never gets better. Sometimes I feel obligated to be sad. Oh! Such a terrible episode of my life. How can I lighten up? Like this behavior is expected of me. Go by the books, stay in the rut. If I smile, 2% guilt will tag along. So…This ain’t going right. I am not doing it right. I am not required to document my struggle. Struggle is part of life, not necessarily the gist of it. O dearest whacky lil self! Let’s check out the road less traveled. Dust the shelves. Let’s tread the perky path. Tough task here is to discover, what makes me happy. I’ll find my way (Hands doing that peace out gesture).
Because today is a different day altogether! Some days sail smoothly. And some are like wading through the mud. Slow. Dragging. Heavy. Cumbersome. I try to keep in mind that it is a part of the process. Every path won’t be adorned with roses. Every shade of color won’t soothe your eyes. Every food item you eat won’t spring up your taste buds. We have to know bad to realize how important good is. I guess that is nature’s way of balancing things. We see some pretty, and we see some ugly. That’s how we grow. So dear nerves, rest a little. We’ll take dives again.
Do you ever wish that you fall asleep and your closest most beloved person comes and strokes your hair all warmly and gently. You don’t wake up, but shrink a little more, smiling, in their surrounding. That touch is so familiar yet so strangely vital to your existence. Every one wants some loving, some mushy mush. We are prone to human intimacy. There is no denying that. But then we get entangled in the cobwebs of who we want, who wants us, stars not aligning, lovers not meeting and all of that crap. Stupid happenings. So for people who have their partners close with them right now, snuggle them tight. Hold on to them. Cuddle it out. And for people like me, who (currently)feel at bay, hold on to your pillows and stuff toys for now, your snuggle buddy is around the corner. 🙂 , 😛 !
If someone comes along and glues your broken pieces together and then crushes you suddenly, ain’t that double the harm done?! The once glued broken pieces will further shatter into tiny shards, you know n*2 times, and eventually you will just vanish like the dust. Lately, I am not understanding how human relations work. What is supposedly right? What is morally right? How to deal with situations that are beyond your control? I sure tell myself, don’t turn into a crazy person, but I have symptoms galore. This is not even frustration, it is like I have come in terms with the restless side of me. God is not helping too. Will do something absurd in coming days to feel better. May be cut short my hairs.
It’s okay to not feel so great at some days. It’s okay if your morning wasn’t all spruced up. It’s no big deal if some barely acquainted person said something to prick your nerves. It’s not a good hair day, still manageable. You skipped breakfast today, go have a heavy dinner. Work troubling you, work less for today. Your phone is surprisingly quite, just keep it aside. Your cloth got stuck on a nail, darn it, just a material possession. Too much rain? Lay low for a while. Friends losing touch, give them a call. People disappointing you, expect lower will you? It’s okay to be dull on some days. It’s okay to not feel great all the time. After all, it’s just a day. Will pass like any other.
They say sleep gives your mind some rest. But what if you have gotten aloof to the idea of rest. What if restlessness runs in your veins now, along with those RBCs and WBCs? That uneasy feeling inside your body which subjugates your mind. Can’t think straight. Can’t act or react with propriety. Insanity makes sense now.
Mental discomfort sucks!
Physical discomfort resulting from above sucks even more!
So I am going to get some sleep. New day. New story. New beginnings.
I am happy jolly good…but honestly I miss you..
I am so busy with my life these days…yet I miss you..
Things are going great, work is catching up pace..and out of the blue I miss you..
This cute guy made a move on me today..darn I miss you..
I heard this soulful song another day..amidst that I miss you..
Rains..the cold..the breeze…make me smile..and there I miss you..
I am all there and yet I am not there..because I miss you..
I steal moments from my day..just so, for a while I can miss you..
Oh I nod…and I respond…I giggle and snicker..my insides though..they miss you..
I very well hate admitting it to myself..still can’t help if I miss you..
Something crumbles..I guess my nerves..to feel you close enough..so a moment goes without missing you..
You interrupt every where..occupy my mind on every step..I get confused whether breathing comes as easy as missing you..
There…this guy and gal are walking past..fondling along the way..moron..get it that I miss you..
Nights have changed their vocation…instead of making me fall asleep..they go away in missing you..
May be I am not supposed to act this crazy, may be there is a sane route to do this, but fuck man, I miss you.
Everything works out…life goes on..we walk past the moments gone by…you carry on..I move on…things happen..days run along..minutes turn into months and months shape into years…seasons roll by…flip flap flip flap…time slips away like water through my hands…I settle..I sober up..normalcy runs through my veins again..BUT nights….darn the nights don’t pass..they feel eternally long.