Does it help, if I admit that I miss you at molecular level. Or if I say you are snatching away my nights. Does my abnormality resulting from your silence give you relief. Should I mention the constant residual uneasiness you have bequeathed upon me. I don’t find the need to check my cell phone these days. I don’t ponder lately on how I look in front of the mirror. Couldn’t you beguile me a little less? Couldn’t you have loved me a little fainter? Why was the passion required. Were those unrestrained talks really necessary. I am on a thin line between whether I want to recover from you or not. I fear nothing would match up to you and when it does, I would fear forgetting you. Mind isn’t ready to stack you as a thing of the past. You might be indifferent. You might have moved on. You might be yearning. You might have come in terms. You might be struggling too. I have no way to find. For a moment I wish I was little more self obsessed so I could think less of you. Love and the trepidation it brings along!
Then again, I don’t want us to be uncertain. Paddling with insecurities. I will accept our fall. I will embrace your absence in my bones, make it a part of living. Life shouldn’t stop on incomplete stories. We’ll be fine, you and I. Our story, short, romantic, fervent, incomplete, beautiful, sad; but our’s at the end.
I want to say so many things but the thoughts are not formulating to words. Friday night. Very banal Friday night. Yet I am quite relaxed as it’s a long weekend here in India. Three days of peace and quite. My friend is turning up tomorrow. Well she is a work machine and I said come take a break! So we might chill, go to some lake, do some girly shopping, it will be fun. :). I am not hundred percent sure though whether I am calling her for she needs a break or if I need a close company by my side. I have tried and remained busy. I have tried to keep myself happy. I met my parents. I met my brother. I met my best friends. I got on this ride at an amusement park which literally hung me upside down. There i was screaming while taking 360 degree spins…Baghwan bacha lo..bacha lo..(God save me..save me..)..it was baffling! I sat down with my friend by the lake and watched ducks go by..I went to this snow covered mountain..it was treacherous on the top and I was slipping every now and then. My heart thumped out of fear and I could hear my racing pulses, they were so palpable! Each person had a trainer and we were harnessed together. Mine was Chitra. We had to run in that snowy slope and plunge into the air…the feeling was phewwww! And as we were floating in the air..parachute taking its own course in flow of the wind..picturesque view all around..my trainer, he started singing punjabi soothing songs..like cherry on top! Those were heavenly 10-15 mins of my life. I felt so many beautiful things in that short moment I cannot describe. So alright..I have been doing some activities. And yeah, yesterday i danced my lungs and feet out in an office outing. There was music..and there were people..and I remember nothing about them..I took my specs off and danced all to myself like in revelation of something. I was rapping when there was rap..i was banging my head when there were beats..i was holding my hands high..and jumping around..hairs wavering hither and tither. You know like my body proclaiming I don’t care or something. :D. That was fun too. I know I am missing something..and I am covering up for it through all this. I mean I am enjoying it all but what I wanted was something entirely different. It’s silly right? May be my bff knows me better. He says you only like to romanticize your situation and imagine that a movie is going on and you are it’s heroine. :D. He is mostly harsh on me. But then he has a point. Why unnecessarily add a tinge of sadness to your life ? It pricks and it will prick for a little while more. But life ain’t that bad now. There are rides and mountains, music to dance to and people! People whom i love and then some who love me back. Some express, some are stupid enough not to express. It’s alright! It’s all cool! 🙂
There i am again…not getting sleep like normal humans. 2.30 am. No man is an island. But i am so feeling like an island these days. Who likes a person stuck up in past?! Even i don’t. I am clueless on how to react or behave these days. Nothing, absolutely nothing is calming me down. There is a lot of pretense I am practising. I want to move on. From this person. From this episode. Something is stuck but. Some sort of unfinished business. I am praying all earnestly that i walk past through all this. Shed tears, wake up at nights, walk long walks..but just get over it. The added problem is discussing it with people makes it all banal and meaningless. Like okay…it happens every other day with every other person. Ergo the island feeling. Is this what psychiatrists term as depression?! I am not “depressed” actually. I have this urge to attain normalcy. I am eating, walking, talking, doing regular stuff, even dancing and smiling. But that knot in my head somewhere…ughh i want to break it open. This is what “struggling” feels like. Few years down the lane, i’ll come back, re-read this and wonder…why did i make such a big fuss? What was the drama all about. I really wish i could traverse to some other time now.
Discombobulated! Yeah that is the word for the day.
I would want the coming days to be associated with following words:
Levity..Tranquility..Bliss..Plain intrinsic bliss. Well the world thrives on hope!
I’ll find a way..