I am losing confidence in myself. That can’t be good. I decide I am not good at something even before attempting it. Something is not right guys. This isn’t me.
And enough with the self victimization. I am growing old of it myself. Shitty things happen in life. Get over it. There will be new chapters. And better days.
Another noticeable fault in my system is that I am starting my day by looking at my phone screen. My inner angel self(you know out of the two, angel and demon) is questioning it too, ’Girl! Really? Morning with a phone screen!’. And I am not waking up with very good thoughts. Morning then really sets the tone of my day and I am anxious throughout.
I know better. I genuinely do. And I am not looking at my phone when I wake up tomorrow.
If I have a day to kill, I make sure I kill it with wasteful pondering. Even if I have a lump of chores to finish, I would choose to sit back and think instead. All this time, I am completely aware that I am wasting my time, but I do it anyway.
One good thing I did today was get up early and go on a walk/run/mix of both. My brain didn’t stop there as well. There is this shackled sort of animated character inside me that is so darn willing to break the chains. Move past. Be positive and what not. Whoever coined this term of being in peace with oneself…please hand me the instruction manual to do the same. I do a lot of things when I am alone. The useful things just reach my head as an idea and futile ones, they come like the storm.
So anyway, one interesting idea to hit me was that of a solo trip. Mmmmmmmm?!!! Can I, can I not. If I could, it would really be terrific. Who would click my pics, well there is auto mode. Would it be odd? I guess not. Too bold? little bold. What’s stopping me? Nothing in particular, just a tad bit of hesitation. I’ll get there in due time. Let’s see.
Anxious night ahead…I shopped and shopped today and then I stopped by a small shop on my way back home and forgot half of my baggage over there..what an idiot I am! Have to go back tomorrow morning and check if it is still there. @!?#*$~!?!!!! I stay all lost while traveling…I remember reading a middle aged man’s t-shirt on the way. It said:
“Laziness rule #1.
If you can’t reach it
You don’t need it”
I smiled seeing it. Amidst this hurried lost state of mind, I abandoned my belongings. Didn’t even look for it till late midnight. Plus, a restless person that I am..I won’t get sleep thinking about the 278 different scenarios that could have happened to it or with it. Why dear fate do you work in mysterious ways…it could have been a lazy Sunday night..cozy sleep..saccharine dreams..and now I lie awake waiting for the morning to arrive.
Sometimes my thoughts do trespass to a broader horizon where I ask myself..why such a fuss over superficial things? Why not just rest for a while. What if you lost a pretty dress. You’ll get another one. But these are just words. Reality bite: I am superficial to an extent. Let’s just accept things the way they are. If I lose on the dress tomorrow..Well I won’t encourage unsolicited ifs and buts for now. Time is taking its own sweet time. I don’t reckon what lies ahead. Not tomorrow morning nor the days after that.
What’s with me and coming late to office these days? Today is one of those mornings when I am getting random thoughts about getting old. Well, I am not looking old now..but I will at some point of time. I dread it. I know it sounds very superficial, but do we only have this irrevocable option to succumb to life? Time won’t stop on our wish. People will change and won’t remain the way you want them to stay. You will age! Is a person supposed to turn despondent?! Or start practising nihilism as a more severe step. Just continuing with angst in your mind does not seem like an option to me. I need quick fixes. I need effective fixes.
If I reflect on myself, I am so mad at a particular person I might..well forget it. I am not even mad. I am just confused lately. Jilted is the word coming in mind. It’s not my surroundings to be blamed. But I have to stop this high low mood swings! Massive indications of an unstable mind. Will venture into something light. Like yeah, I bought this skipping rope. Now is a good time to start skipping. :).
Just scrolled through the Urbandictionary and made me laugh again!
@TheUrbanSlangs: Bite me – A slightly more polite way to say “Fuck off you prick”.
I think I am going to practise that. :D. And many more ways to keep stifling opinions at bay.