Musings #012

Unable to register my emotions these days. What am I feeling? Are there no exhilarating moments in my day? Is monotony becoming tolerable.

I am feeling a mildly negative set of emotions.

Stressed, from the incessant workload. Looks like work has become my life. Appears like the stakes are too high. Haven’t taken a leave from 8 months. It’s starting to bother me a bit.

Blank, about my travel scenes. I am supposed to fly back to India once my work gets done. But it keeps extending. It’s not in my hands and I feel that loss of control strongly, each passing day.

Moody, on some days, for no reason at all. Well anyway, when does one ever understand the complex enigma of mood swings.

Self-doubt. Have always had this thinking where I believe I am not good enough. Have not accomplished anything. Have left things in between without notice or any thought. I want to get out of this mindset.

Drained. From social media. It’s becoming even more disappointing, with every passing day. I need to shift my focus on to better things. This whole social media frenzy is a waste of time. IG, FB, Quora, Google, news and what not. I take way too many pictures on my phone. I really need to slow down.

Okay, I am done with my rant for today.

Drizzles 🍵

Rains. Equivalent to no mood for work. Lazying on the bed. Gazing through the window. Water sparkling on your cheeks, slipping through your fingers, soaking into your hairs. Craving for hot food. Coffee. Reminiscent of old memories. Jumping. Frolicking. Rides. Kisses. Drenching. Walks. Smiles. Little sweet. Little sad. Rains and the emotions it brings along! I charge you guilty.

#Blogging from office.

#Work affected by weather.

#One of those days.

Rants…such a waste of time.

Get your shit together! I remind myself. Almost on a daily basis. So, today has been a hectic day. By mental and physical standards. My health is deteriorating. I am sensing it. And like a fool, I am keeping record of it instead of doing something about it. Like how a 70 year old celebrity who is in hospital is reported by the tabloids. Day before yesterday, admitted. Yesterday, not looking good. Today, taking the 70 year old to surgery. Here, I am the 70 year old and I am the tabloid. I think I’ll write my story to the hospital bed. What a sad human being. I assume this is my way of staying in delusion. I am waiting for the worst moment. Like okay..life could get worst..show me how worse?! I know I am ruining it. Working late..skipping meals..sleeping and avoiding daily chores. Couldn’t these scientists come up with some vaccine that would boost your energy cells? Make you happy ..make you wanna do things the normal way? I am on the wrong track and I am coercing myself again..get your shit together. Only words. It comes from within right..that positive feeling. Have my insides gone stale? So soon? Will I never be actually happy..actually normal from the inner core of my being? I am writing this to make note of this phase. I want to get on to the next jubilient phase and write a polar opposite article against this one. I have to fix my timings, eating, learning, staying, living, breathing..i have to breathe without any thought at the back of my head. Cope with me readers. I will, rise from the dead! Or rise before I am dead!