Musings #012

Unable to register my emotions these days. What am I feeling? Are there no exhilarating moments in my day? Is monotony becoming tolerable.

I am feeling a mildly negative set of emotions.

Stressed, from the incessant workload. Looks like work has become my life. Appears like the stakes are too high. Haven’t taken a leave from 8 months. It’s starting to bother me a bit.

Blank, about my travel scenes. I am supposed to fly back to India once my work gets done. But it keeps extending. It’s not in my hands and I feel that loss of control strongly, each passing day.

Moody, on some days, for no reason at all. Well anyway, when does one ever understand the complex enigma of mood swings.

Self-doubt. Have always had this thinking where I believe I am not good enough. Have not accomplished anything. Have left things in between without notice or any thought. I want to get out of this mindset.

Drained. From social media. It’s becoming even more disappointing, with every passing day. I need to shift my focus on to better things. This whole social media frenzy is a waste of time. IG, FB, Quora, Google, news and what not. I take way too many pictures on my phone. I really need to slow down.

Okay, I am done with my rant for today.

Not Broken but Brittle

How do you stay sane in a mad mad world
How do you embrace the new and renounce what is familiar
How do you appease the antsy nerves
How do you trick time in your favour
How does one’s discomfort end
How do the seasons blend
How to stay your true self
And know there is nothing wrong
How do you NOT fear the unknown
How do you not assimilate
Not shape your actions based on perceptions
How does one trust and not feel stupid about it
How do these questions get answered?

P.S. – Feeling queasy on a perfectly fine Saturday morning 😐.

Untitled. State of mind.

Words are not coming out for the thoughts creeping inside my head. How often do we decide something and the plan falls off track? Things not going on our accord. So you just accept the situation. Your friends are acting weird. Accept. You acting weird. Accept. Tired of same old questions. Accept. Your weaknesses. Accept. Unwavering love from parents. Accept. Surprising moments. Accept. Words from others, good and bad. Accept. For some reason, I am breaking inside, bit by bit. I can feel it in my bones. I put up a good face. A happy face. And at times I am genuinely happy too. But people have failed me. Or probably they are in the process. Or to put it correctly my belief in them seems to be faltering. I don’t know. I have got to let them be. That’s the right thing. This all sounds very negative, very blue. That is the problem. My emotions are on a roller coaster ride. And it’s not some PMS talking. It is me. They are taking swings, hopping around like those bouncing balls. I used to love playing with them as a kid and apparently now I have become one. I am not a self contained person. There. Accepted. And I think I’ll turn into one. By hook or by crook. May be it is for the good.