Missing these two so so much. I had to move them to my parents’ temporarily. I don’t know if it makes any sense to thank two cats on your blog, but I would really like to thank them for keeping me company these past few months. They probably don’t have a whiff of it but they kept me occupied, didn’t let my mind wander off to places, made me slightly responsible and most of all brought joy to my everyday life. Now that they aren’t around, I just lie in my house like a potato. And I miss them a lot, but I mentioned that already. Until next time munches. You two made me feel like home. Love.
You were not my type. You didn’t fall under my bracket of volition. And you did not remotely match to any of my checklist points. We were yet another rendition of opposites attract, and you were a classic, clichéd risk. I am not trying to find a pattern here. And I do not intend on recollecting all the details of our past, but what I do remember, is that you made me laugh. And somehow, it meant the world. If I close my eyes, like even a blink, it all comes back to me in tiny speedy flashes of fire and snow together at once. I get confused, what to feel. The bliss of loving or the sorrow of parting. Ever since you have gone, I don’t know what I miss more: you or myself.
P.S.: Couldn’t find a title. Could be post Valentine’s effect.
I don’t talk much about you..I don’t like to. You are sparsely present in my life. Not in essence and yet hovering in back of my mind. Like salt is to a dish we can say. When I think about it I realize that you..you were a novelty episode. Something I didn’t stumble across before. That I couldn’t relate to from past. And so you struck me like a bolt. There or not, you arouse a whole new dimension of emotions inside me: unprecedented, inexpressible and immensely fervent. Could I talk of you a little less? Sure. Could I think of you a little lesser? No. What’s to become of me? Now that I am tinted in your hues.
You are the battle I have conspicuously lost but I revisit time and again, to trail my defeat. You are that dream I don’t want to be woken up from, and yet I regret every time, of having seen it. That candy bar in a retail shop I couldn’t get enough of at one time, but I walk past now because it aches my tooth. My favourite perfume bottle that I use ever so stingily from the fear that I would finish it up soon. That song I once stumbled upon the radio and loved hearing but couldn’t trace it later on. The tiny gossamer of fabric I don’t want to tear apart from the whole clothing. That large bite on my dish which I don’t just yet jump on, as I want to relish it at the end. You are no things simple. And yet you are all things easy. May be that’s what I miss, the easiness. You are something I don’t wish to recover from and someone who is doing me all wrong. You are a paradox I am living, day and night.
I can take the silence. I can accept the indifference. I can find reasons to smile in our long-lost escapades. I can be good on my own. I could make up false tales in my mind to not like you so much. I can take it all in humour. I could make an effort to be happy. And I could make myself believe, it was short, thus trifle. I can pretend to move past this and simultaneously list numerous reasons why it would do me good. I could truncate you under a grievous mistake or folly on my part. Belittle the very essence of our story. In distant future, may be, may be I could even delude myself to have forgotten you. But, after all of this done on my behalf, if one day you see me and tell me you love me, it would effusively break me apart. It would be the end of all my strength. I would live and die together in that moment. I fail to explain it better.
Give me a hug. Crush me inside? Make me vanish. Dissolve…amalgamate…collide..run away with me for this fraction of second. Take me to a place where I don’t have to understand things. Let me fall asleep when am around you, at the oddest hours. Catch me off guard. Gaze at me without a reason. Make any sort of speech or sound between us absolutely futile. Get me so engrossed in you that I lose sense of everything around. Smile. Touch. Brush. Nibble. Snuggle. Fondle. Tumble. These small things. These silly nothings. If only in glimpse, show me our Neverland.
I will drain myself to the point of no sensitivity. I will juggle, hurdle…turmoil for days. I will put out all that is there in my heart to see. I’ll untangle my pieces from a criss-cross puzzle and lay them apart on a pristine blank page. Won’t leave a centimetre cube space for any intricacies or complicacies. I’ll go with the flow, I’ll be in the moment. Won’t drop a tear. I’ll be lost and still be sane. I’ll smile a million bucks smile. I’ll be happy as every other happy Jack, Jill and Joe. May be I’ll turn into someone totally new, nothing akin to what I was with you. Will you escape my mind then? Given to all my efforts. I am afraid, not.
How wicked are some memories. Every time I laugh reminiscing something about you, a tear bulges out uninvited too. It is strange how in retrospect, one tends to recall the good times alone. Yeah the bad times haunt us too, but mostly unintentionally. Happy memories take you to a safe space. Somewhere back to a time where comfort came as easy as your present level of discomfort is.
How unethical are some memories. They don’t choose a place or occasion. They don’t give you a notice ahead. You would be relishing a coffee with your friends, laughing and Bammm! You would distract yourself for a moment in an office meeting and slam! You are watching/reading something totally out of context on net; lo and behold! Don’t even talk about the long drives. They are like uncertified passage to memory lanes.
Come to think of it, how truculent are memories. They won’t shut their voices inside your head. They won’t budge, they won’t give in, don’t know what they aim for. Do they mean to weaken you? I guess not.
YES it is healthy, sane, advisable to live in the present. If it were in my hands, I would never let you become a past to memorize. Would devour you daily in bits and pieces. However, a present without you it is. And incomplete in its essence.
I scroll through my cell phone. There is this neediness in me seeking one person I can talk my heart out to. I realize it is not going to help. In silent introspection, it dawns upon me that I am not seeking someone. I am only yearning for you. It makes sense too. How could a Lime Soda quench one’s thirst for Coke? Sure it will keep me full for a while but it won’t work as right. So I leave my cell as it is. Truly speaking, I am not even yearning. You have left me convincingly destructed though. Come and see for yourself.
When people decide to leave you, why don’t they leave a manual behind with “What to do next?” notes. How exasperating it is to toil day and night, smile, talk, engage and then look down at your hands, close your eyes and say to yourself, it is fine; you’ll be fine. Yeah people who care, they say, don’t romanticize your situation girl! But I will ask, why not? How do I not? It is coming to me naturally. The agony. The trouble. The restlessness. The sleeplessness. The craziness. The abruptness. Each one attacking like a storm. I feel like some abandoned bad habit. Actually, no. Even bad habits get their own time to wane. So what happens now? Of people like me, who dig too deep emotionally? Till I don’t find an answer, I will keep shutting my eyes and reassuring myself, it’s alright. It is all fine.