I will drain myself to the point of no sensitivity. I will juggle, hurdle…turmoil for days. I will put out all that is there in my heart to see. I’ll untangle my pieces from a criss-cross puzzle and lay them apart on a pristine blank page. Won’t leave a centimetre cube space for any intricacies or complicacies. I’ll go with the flow, I’ll be in the moment. Won’t drop a tear. I’ll be lost and still be sane. I’ll smile a million bucks smile. I’ll be happy as every other happy Jack, Jill and Joe. May be I’ll turn into someone totally new, nothing akin to what I was with you. Will you escape my mind then? Given to all my efforts. I am afraid, not.
How wicked are some memories. Every time I laugh reminiscing something about you, a tear bulges out uninvited too. It is strange how in retrospect, one tends to recall the good times alone. Yeah the bad times haunt us too, but mostly unintentionally. Happy memories take you to a safe space. Somewhere back to a time where comfort came as easy as your present level of discomfort is.
How unethical are some memories. They don’t choose a place or occasion. They don’t give you a notice ahead. You would be relishing a coffee with your friends, laughing and Bammm! You would distract yourself for a moment in an office meeting and slam! You are watching/reading something totally out of context on net; lo and behold! Don’t even talk about the long drives. They are like uncertified passage to memory lanes.
Come to think of it, how truculent are memories. They won’t shut their voices inside your head. They won’t budge, they won’t give in, don’t know what they aim for. Do they mean to weaken you? I guess not.
YES it is healthy, sane, advisable to live in the present. If it were in my hands, I would never let you become a past to memorize. Would devour you daily in bits and pieces. However, a present without you it is. And incomplete in its essence.
I scroll through my cell phone. There is this neediness in me seeking one person I can talk my heart out to. I realize it is not going to help. In silent introspection, it dawns upon me that I am not seeking someone. I am only yearning for you. It makes sense too. How could a Lime Soda quench one’s thirst for Coke? Sure it will keep me full for a while but it won’t work as right. So I leave my cell as it is. Truly speaking, I am not even yearning. You have left me convincingly destructed though. Come and see for yourself.
When people decide to leave you, why don’t they leave a manual behind with “What to do next?” notes. How exasperating it is to toil day and night, smile, talk, engage and then look down at your hands, close your eyes and say to yourself, it is fine; you’ll be fine. Yeah people who care, they say, don’t romanticize your situation girl! But I will ask, why not? How do I not? It is coming to me naturally. The agony. The trouble. The restlessness. The sleeplessness. The craziness. The abruptness. Each one attacking like a storm. I feel like some abandoned bad habit. Actually, no. Even bad habits get their own time to wane. So what happens now? Of people like me, who dig too deep emotionally? Till I don’t find an answer, I will keep shutting my eyes and reassuring myself, it’s alright. It is all fine.
Pour me a glass of sunshine that falls on you; I would never stop sipping. Cut me a slice of your innocent boyish charm and I would gobble it up all day long. Throw me a sight of your unrestrained self and I wouldn’t blink an eye. Smile and I will find something melodious to hear in that sound. Don’t hesitate to get weak in front of me, I’ll be your solid ground. Then sometimes, be strong for me, so I’ll crumble in your arms. If you try too hard, I would resist the effort. If you keep to yourself, I’ll sense the indifference. But if you only try your tiniest bit to solve the mess of a puzzle I am, I will unravel such, it will be indelibly etched in your memory. Here’s my humble request: Take a piece of me. Leave me a piece of you.
I am going.
I won’t see you now.
We are not meant to be.
It is not going to happen.
No. Nada. Nah. Never. Ever.
Don’t tell me things I already know.
Tell me how beautiful I look with those brown eyes.
Tell me what tickles your fantasy.
Tell me your childhood stories.
Tell me a song you like.
Tell me you will miss me.
Tell me to smile.
Days when your mind is so stuck up..you don’t feel like doing anything. Just want to run and leap on to that one person, the same way as gorillas do!
There are a thousand words in English language to express whatever tiniest kind of emotion you feel, and yet sometimes silence speaks best. When I am not talking to you, when I am clueless on your whereabouts, when several days have rolled by without our imbecilic banters, no giggles, no snuggles, I recollect myself, and acknowledge the silence between us. It comforts me in a weird sense. Wind tries to appease me and nights accompany me to mad lands. Mornings pamper me with flashback of our moments and the mirror urges me to smile. I know. You and I will be gnawed within the trivialities of words someday. You’ll prick me and I’ll quarrel with you. But take your time. Fix your troubles. When I see you next, we will disrupt the stillness with irregular breaths. Oh, no words yet darling. Silence will do the talking. <3 .
I am happy jolly good…but honestly I miss you..
I am so busy with my life these days…yet I miss you..
Things are going great, work is catching up pace..and out of the blue I miss you..
This cute guy made a move on me today..darn I miss you..
I heard this soulful song another day..amidst that I miss you..
Rains..the cold..the breeze…make me smile..and there I miss you..
I am all there and yet I am not there..because I miss you..
I steal moments from my day..just so, for a while I can miss you..
Oh I nod…and I respond…I giggle and snicker..my insides though..they miss you..
I very well hate admitting it to myself..still can’t help if I miss you..
Something crumbles..I guess my nerves..to feel you close enough..so a moment goes without missing you..
You interrupt every where..occupy my mind on every step..I get confused whether breathing comes as easy as missing you..
There…this guy and gal are walking past..fondling along the way..moron..get it that I miss you..
Nights have changed their vocation…instead of making me fall asleep..they go away in missing you..
May be I am not supposed to act this crazy, may be there is a sane route to do this, but fuck man, I miss you.
P.S. not a poem..scribbling you may call it.