I haven’t been myself for over a year. Could you imagine?
It’s come to a point where I can no longer sensibly process my thoughts. I feel weak. I feel fragile. Broken. Small. Ashamed. Insecure. Incapable. Worthless. Lost. SAD. Anxious. Confused. Did I mention weak already?
Oh my god! From being my own motivator to see myself like this, it kind of makes me want to say a huge SORRY to myself. So that’s what I am going to do right now. I am going to apologize to myself and you could be party to it.
I am sorry for giving too much of myself away to be with someone.
I am sorry for not caring about my health enough or can I say at all.
I am sorry to let another person’s view affect my sense of belief.
I am sorry to cry about something mean someone said out of their own fears.
I am sorry to have thought so small of myself.
I am sorry that people aren’t always nice and that in turn shouldn’t turn you bitter.
I am sorry for not relishing what I have.
I am sorry for not counting my blessings.
I am sorry for overlooking the problems faced by the people around me.
I am sorry for having dark circles around my eyes and a loss of weight, a loss of appetite, a loss of interest in things.
I am sorry, every time my ears flared up out of anxiety, moments of immense trepidation, insecurity, I am sorry I let someone’s action control me like that.
I am sorry to have become so dependent.
I am sorry to have my happiness taken lightly.
I am sorry to have myself be taken lightly.
I am sorry for locking myself in my room, for not stepping out for two days.
I am sorry for giving up on all my hobbies.
I am sorry to have cried endlessly and stressing myself to sleep.
I am sorry to have woken up depressed.
I am sorry for being inconsiderate because of my own mental struggles.
I am sorry for losing control of myself.
I am sorry for obsessing about something not worth obsessing.
I am sorry for giving others power over me.
I am sorry to have forgotten my worth, to all the moments of self-doubt.
I am sorry, I am really, really sorry you amazing, caring, loving, harmless, strong, independent, resilient, patient, smart, wise, quirky piece of a human being. I am sorry to put you in the back seat.
From here on, each day, every day, I am going to work towards building myself again. Be kind. And reflect my happy energy on to others. There is enough sadness and grief and complications in this life. Not just for me, for everyone around me. And I am going to treat everyone better, including myself.
I have missed you WordPress. My company in solace. Today, I find myself in a deep pit of restlessness again and I come back, trying to find some answers. Could you sit back and cater to my delusional ideas, please. How agitating it is not knowing what you want in life? I find myself drifting away from reality. I am uncomfortable around my friends I once shared great bonds with. Makes me wonder, were they friends at the first place? Family equations are getting complex by the day. I am starting to feel dissatisfied with my work. Too reluctant to advice, too stubborn to changes. I know I need to change certain things about me, I just don’t know where to start and if it is too late. Even if I turn out to be an anomaly, it would help if I was a self-contained one.
I am all over the place. Certain life situations break your heart into pieces. Make you feel like this is the end of it all. Everything slipping out of hands. One having no control over the present. You just have to live through the wretched train of events.
The end of anything beautiful is always painful. Though you pictured and recreated the end in your head a zillion times…this is how it will end..and this is how I will deal with it. And you distance yourself from anything that could remotely hurt or even prick you. Fixed, coped, mended yourself. Let time play its magic on you.
And still, here I am…almost akin to a bruised puppy. Thought I had excelled the art of letting go. It’s funny how time flies and your feelings don’t even budge a centimeter. I read this somewhere…Love what you love with reckless abandon. And what if it only torments you in return?
Live the pain. Embrace it. I would say revel in it. Don’t make your emotions subject to a person’s action. And then love and laugh a little more. Don’t they say every end is a new beginning?
What was familiar is no more acquainted.
What looked appealing has lost its sheen.
What seemed plausible subtly moved out of equation.
What never crossed mind is vaguely falling in the routine.
What should have been, is now a never could have been.
What drew delight now fails to curb the despair.
What caused ripples is barely in sight.
What was loved is piled amongst lost.
That what is lost strangely gives comfort.
Expect the unexpected, they say.
Live each moment to the fullest.
Life is such..What is one to make of it?
These words could invoke loneliness at a whole new level. You have someone but only as empathetic as the wall in your room. You can’t run to them. You can’t demonstrate your authority over them. You cannot even complain to the universe. You lay in your bed, head tilted upside down embracing the emptiness inside your head. Plenty of questions. No answers. In life, at times, one trips over circumstances which are not a throughput of your own deeds. I want to say, accept what comes. Cringe. Dole. Find your own way through. Try and accept it.
I don’t talk much about you..I don’t like to. You are sparsely present in my life. Not in essence and yet hovering in back of my mind. Like salt is to a dish we can say. When I think about it I realize that you..you were a novelty episode. Something I didn’t stumble across before. That I couldn’t relate to from past. And so you struck me like a bolt. There or not, you arouse a whole new dimension of emotions inside me: unprecedented, inexpressible and immensely fervent. Could I talk of you a little less? Sure. Could I think of you a little lesser? No. What’s to become of me? Now that I am tinted in your hues.
I can take the silence. I can accept the indifference. I can find reasons to smile in our long-lost escapades. I can be good on my own. I could make up false tales in my mind to not like you so much. I can take it all in humour. I could make an effort to be happy. And I could make myself believe, it was short, thus trifle. I can pretend to move past this and simultaneously list numerous reasons why it would do me good. I could truncate you under a grievous mistake or folly on my part. Belittle the very essence of our story. In distant future, may be, may be I could even delude myself to have forgotten you. But, after all of this done on my behalf, if one day you see me and tell me you love me, it would effusively break me apart. It would be the end of all my strength. I would live and die together in that moment. I fail to explain it better.
What do I say? I had been out for a friend’s wedding in Mumbai. I am at an all time low since my return. Reasons? Galore. There is this sense of detachment. Of nothingness. Of futility. I am low because the whole marriage affair didn’t entice me much. I mean, of course I was happy for my friend and I smiled all along, but I even got the feeling simultaneously that I won’t fit in the bill. I wouldn’t want to do these things. I might have at one point in the past, but I am so averse to it right now. Cannot fathom the whys and whats of it. Why am I sad but? Lack of sense of purpose I suppose. If not marriage at least I should be willing to do something of my life right? So lost. So so lost. Don’t want lectures. Don’t want communication. Don’t want nothing. Let me rue for a few days more. Till then here is my pretty picture from the wedding..all things girly..(when have my doldrums ever stopped me from dressing up..). Adios!
#can be classified under my stupid quest for happiness.
Sometimes I am baffled at the meaninglessness of my own existence. How little significance do I hold? How miniscule a drop I am in this ocean of a vast diversified human kind. Every one is busy with their life. If I laugh a little more one day or cry a little longer the next day, who would it affect? Each person has his own story. My story would coincide with some, but each one of us have our own shit to handle. Each one is tackling his/her own struggles . How does it matter what ice cream flavour I like or which colour is my most favourite? Some days things seem magnificently trivial to me. Like nothing matters at all.
On such hope-deprived days, I reshuffle my head. Must do. And I foster the courage to tell myself: it is one life I have been given. Be it a drop; let it mean nothing to no one. I have to, have to live it to the fullest. If and when I am remembered later on(like when I am dead), people should be like, oh! She loved with her heart and oh! She lived like there was no tomorrow..and oh! She was unstoppable…and oh this and oh that! How perfectly awesome would that be! For the sake of some after-life praise, why don’t I start valuing my present? Just saying. Some people are so darn positive they have sun rising up from their asses, the least I could do is endeavour to live life happily.
I scroll through my cell phone. There is this neediness in me seeking one person I can talk my heart out to. I realize it is not going to help. In silent introspection, it dawns upon me that I am not seeking someone. I am only yearning for you. It makes sense too. How could a Lime Soda quench one’s thirst for Coke? Sure it will keep me full for a while but it won’t work as right. So I leave my cell as it is. Truly speaking, I am not even yearning. You have left me convincingly destructed though. Come and see for yourself.
When people decide to leave you, why don’t they leave a manual behind with “What to do next?” notes. How exasperating it is to toil day and night, smile, talk, engage and then look down at your hands, close your eyes and say to yourself, it is fine; you’ll be fine. Yeah people who care, they say, don’t romanticize your situation girl! But I will ask, why not? How do I not? It is coming to me naturally. The agony. The trouble. The restlessness. The sleeplessness. The craziness. The abruptness. Each one attacking like a storm. I feel like some abandoned bad habit. Actually, no. Even bad habits get their own time to wane. So what happens now? Of people like me, who dig too deep emotionally? Till I don’t find an answer, I will keep shutting my eyes and reassuring myself, it’s alright. It is all fine.