Missing someone is such a pain. It leaves you with spongy eyes. And a series of sleepless nights. What am I running away from? I don’t think I’ll escape these thoughts. Or ever escape from you. Tiny grains of your character, flashes of your smile, your peculiarities, unrestrained talks, your blemishes and moments of spark, everything has assimilated into me how colors once blended cannot be separated back. They form a composite shade of something new. I am not the same. I guess, now, I am a composite tone of you. Yes, my tints might have affected your contour as well. But I’ll not let it be my concern anymore. I wouldn’t cringe or beam at the thought of you. I would just be, the newer me.
You are the battle I have conspicuously lost but I revisit time and again, to trail my defeat. You are that dream I don’t want to be woken up from, and yet I regret every time, of having seen it. That candy bar in a retail shop I couldn’t get enough of at one time, but I walk past now because it aches my tooth. My favourite perfume bottle that I use ever so stingily from the fear that I would finish it up soon. That song I once stumbled upon the radio and loved hearing but couldn’t trace it later on. The tiny gossamer of fabric I don’t want to tear apart from the whole clothing. That large bite on my dish which I don’t just yet jump on, as I want to relish it at the end. You are no things simple. And yet you are all things easy. May be that’s what I miss, the easiness. You are something I don’t wish to recover from and someone who is doing me all wrong. You are a paradox I am living, day and night.
I will drain myself to the point of no sensitivity. I will juggle, hurdle…turmoil for days. I will put out all that is there in my heart to see. I’ll untangle my pieces from a criss-cross puzzle and lay them apart on a pristine blank page. Won’t leave a centimetre cube space for any intricacies or complicacies. I’ll go with the flow, I’ll be in the moment. Won’t drop a tear. I’ll be lost and still be sane. I’ll smile a million bucks smile. I’ll be happy as every other happy Jack, Jill and Joe. May be I’ll turn into someone totally new, nothing akin to what I was with you. Will you escape my mind then? Given to all my efforts. I am afraid, not.
How wicked are some memories. Every time I laugh reminiscing something about you, a tear bulges out uninvited too. It is strange how in retrospect, one tends to recall the good times alone. Yeah the bad times haunt us too, but mostly unintentionally. Happy memories take you to a safe space. Somewhere back to a time where comfort came as easy as your present level of discomfort is.
How unethical are some memories. They don’t choose a place or occasion. They don’t give you a notice ahead. You would be relishing a coffee with your friends, laughing and Bammm! You would distract yourself for a moment in an office meeting and slam! You are watching/reading something totally out of context on net; lo and behold! Don’t even talk about the long drives. They are like uncertified passage to memory lanes.
Come to think of it, how truculent are memories. They won’t shut their voices inside your head. They won’t budge, they won’t give in, don’t know what they aim for. Do they mean to weaken you? I guess not.
YES it is healthy, sane, advisable to live in the present. If it were in my hands, I would never let you become a past to memorize. Would devour you daily in bits and pieces. However, a present without you it is. And incomplete in its essence.
I have decided.
I won’t let you slide away the memory lane with few tears in my eyes,
few shoulders to lean on,
few sad songs to relate to,
and there, gone.
I will preserve your nuances like I have treasured my childhood story books.
I will savour our moments like I remember dialogues from my favorite movie ever.
I will relish your kisses like I distinctly recognize my most delectable chocolate flavour.
I will miss your warmth like I yearn for some heat on a chilly, chilly winter evening.
I will smile at your thoughts, how a child smiles gazing at the rainbow.
I will memorize you like the lyrics of a beautiful poignant song.
I will wear your fragrance like a flower carries its own.
I will laugh at your silliness, how I laugh when I trip.
I will sob that you are gone, how I sob over mushy scenes, with a handkerchief over my nose.
I will fancy doing vile things to you because when has moth ever stopped lusting the flame.
I will be there, how the dawn never disappoints dusk, not one day.
I will imbibe you such, that the difference cannot be told.
There will be you,
and there will be I,
but there will be a tad bit of you in me,
from now on, till the end of time.
Silence never intrigued me.
Silence was comforting with a close friend. Silence was awkward with a stranger. Silence was an accomplice when sitting alone. Silence was beautiful amidst verdure. Silence was my food for thought. Silence was one of my character traits. It never captured my attention. Never boggled my mind. Never seemed out-of-place. Never stung.
But your silence, it wrenches my heart. Silence was never, ever, so deafening before.
Hand me a family pack of ice cream or a jumbo bag of chips to churn on, that will last through the day. Because that is all I want to do; sit in a blank space and muse over you. Skip my chores and ruminate. Vanish away from these social etiquettes and prance around, like I did, knowing that you own some bit of me. Sit by the beach, have some corn and memorize you in detailed bits and pieces. Sip on a really large mug of coffee and laugh about our silly innuendos. May be I am craving for food, may be I am yearning for you. It is hard to say. I don’t want to be appeased. And food is not going to quench my appetite. So, I just come here and write. With no intentions in mind.
Note to self: Have to shift to happier posts soon.
One moment of spark and thousand moments of agony.
Looks like an unfair deal.
What if that one moment was worth thousand agonies?!
I love him. There, she admitted it. Ain’t that courage enough? To risk your fragile heart over endless possibilities.