Musings #015

Oh man!

I have been from extremely elated yesterday to feeling extremely dejected today.

I am feeling so out of my skin. There are new people in the house. Friends, family and partner are all away. Growing distant to the old friends. Growing concerned over my ageing parents. Growing complacent in a happy relationship.

It’s so difficult to safeguard one’s innocence.

Is it a human tendency to seek distress? A lot of my long standing problems got resolved yesterday. I was super relieved. And today was like a fresh canvas sort of a day. And what did I do? Absolutely wasted it away.

I have been feeling lonesome. So many people around and so alone. These changing times, constant barrage of social media, flimsy dating culture around, the need to have an opinion on everything, how much can you share, what is cool and what’s not, feeling old, friends talking about having kids, covid, zoom calls, weight gains, criticisms, trust issues, social awkwardness, life. Aaaaaarghhhhh. It’s like I am feeling pukish but in a metaphorical sense. Don’t even have a solution yet.

I am wandering

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My blog, if it were human, must be really mad at me. I have almost abandoned it. To be true, I am lacking resources and also the zeal to keep up with it. Few observations I have had while I was away:
– I am pretty messed up, don’t know if I was so from before or it is something new.
– I most certainly have some eating disorder which might be a result of myriad other issues.
– I am tired of putting up a strong face. People around me say I am hovering negativity around me. I don’t like their suggestions. I don’t like their advice. I don’t know who means well.
– I need to rise above self speculation. Not bother about every sentence that comes out of someone’s mouth. Not be so self involved. There is a whole world of things outside me. Break the bubble.
– There is no need to prove anything to anyone.
– All is well.

I did visit two-three places meanwhile. Some of my friends marriages and a short summer trip to Puducherry. I also cut my hair. Traveling is good. Surroundings are temperate. But I have to sort myself out. Ah.. if only I could use some magic wand and stop growing up! Nothing seems right these days. Nothing gives immense joy. :(. I do not want to be this gloomy person. I am stalling this post here.