When you’ve been sad for way too long, any moment of respite scares you. I am speaking for myself. If a person asks how am I doing and I say I am doing okay, it scares me that this is going to vanish soon. Any moment now, the panic will set in. Any moment now, the sadness will take over. Anxiety shall bare its ugly fangs upon me. So I hesitate to answer. I hesitate to acknowledge any sense of calm. Bad thoughts, negative thoughts, shoo, not right now. Not this hour.
I ain’t jubilant today but this feeling of blankness is pretty good too. It means I am making some progress.
Days when I don’t talk, I am waiting for the storm to settle. For my senses to resurface. Run back to the routine. Everything is bleak yet there is a comfort in the unknown. I am all up for novel experiences, and this unabashed uncertainty is the first of its sorts. Did I say too much, do I go too far? Where do I stand? What do I want? Days when I am not talking, these rigmarole of questions keep hitting my conscience.
I am wading away from the past, subconsciously. It pricks me a bit because past was my idea of perfection. Now, it is gone. But present is here, and present looks good too. :).
It’s okay to not feel so great at some days. It’s okay if your morning wasn’t all spruced up. It’s no big deal if some barely acquainted person said something to prick your nerves. It’s not a good hair day, still manageable. You skipped breakfast today, go have a heavy dinner. Work troubling you, work less for today. Your phone is surprisingly quite, just keep it aside. Your cloth got stuck on a nail, darn it, just a material possession. Too much rain? Lay low for a while. Friends losing touch, give them a call. People disappointing you, expect lower will you? It’s okay to be dull on some days. It’s okay to not feel great all the time. After all, it’s just a day. Will pass like any other.
I am quite languid today. Languid not distressed, which is somewhat good. I don’t know what I’ll write right now. I have to start eating regularly. I have been so lost, I have forgotten to take my care. I have given up cooking and I have given up eating as well since quite a few days. Why this self professed stupidity?! I don’t know. Somewhere the back of my head is ringing it’s unhealthy but I need a jolt. Eat moronic creature eat! I have to revive many things. I got to liven up a little. Add spark into this daily activities. Practise some self indulgence. Eat some chocolates. Cook some yummy delicious meal. Refill my iPod with some perky songs. Open up some novel. Got to start studying something. I have to go back and assure my guitar that I haven’t abandoned it. I have so much to do! Why am I humming tunes of laziness here? Atleast accomplish the regular tasks of making yourself dinner. Will you? Mmm I will. Will you for sure? Yes I will.
(Things crazy people do when alone: talk to self like there are two of you)
Important lesson learnt today : You love them enough to let them go. It might hurt. It will hurt. But you want the best for them. It doesn’t involve you? Accepted. You don’t wait for things to settle. You set them free. Moments will stay. Don’t dwell too deep. They won’t wane. Go ahead. There are many more moments to come…
#usual 3 am ramblings on a saturday night. I keep turning up here to find some solace. Makes me feel lighter. Better.