Self Pity Sessions

Sometimes I feel so suffocated, it becomes hard to breathe.
When did I become this utterly sad piece of shit?!
I have no peace of mind.
Have been completely disrespecting myself over the past two years.
There has been so much self-doubt that I have lost track of my real self.
And it is becoming so damn difficult to come out of that mindset.
I write this in despair. What do I need to eliminate?
Ruminating over the past.
Feeling weak.
Being sad that life didn’t turn out as I had imagined.
Letting someone ruin my happiness. I am better than that. C’mon!

A major heap of realization came my way, that people are selfish and you have to fend for yourself.
I am genuinely very sad. That’s all I am feeling at the moment.
Things will never be the same again.
And I have to start afresh.

My Conversations

Can you go on throughout the day without speaking a word? Like a pithy okay and nice from your mouth, a bit of please, thank you here and there, that’s all, nothing else. Does that make one weird? On days when I have had close to null interaction, and I am ruling out social media talks or texting, I strangely tend to talk to myself!

Left late from office today. And just before I was moving to the parking lot to get to my scooty(we need to call it with a better name!), I heard these roaring thunderstorms. Cacophonic, slightly intimidating. It hadn’t started raining yet. To soothe myself, I uttered in my head..garajte badal baraste nahi..(it’s kind of a hindi counterpart for barking dogs seldom bite…that literally means thunderous clouds don’t quite give a rainfall). I think the clouds took umbrage in it. It pricked them right at the spot, because the wrath of rain that I faced thereafter was something! Heavy and getting heavier by the second. I was all drenched and shivering and uttering on my way: fuck! Never smart mouth the nature next time.

I will resume my interaction with humans from tomorrow.

L.O.V.E.

Love is that, you don’t say much but unwarily shows in your eyes.
Love is what tests your might, when everything is asunder and nothing is right.
Love is when you see their name and a smile weaves on your face.
Love is in those lonely walks and how it craves you to death for their company.
Love is in those sleepless nights.
Love is abound when you secretly cry.
Love is what surpasses time.
Love is intact even when distances arrive.
Love is in every prayer you hymn.
Love is when you say nothing outside but feel a zillion things inside.
Love is when those fidgety fingers don’t listen to your mind.
Love is in your words.
Love is in the silence.
Love is poetic.
Love is painful.
Love fails and Love perseveres.
Love is beautiful. Love is equally fucked up.
Love is crazy, moody, sweet, strong, emotional, foolish and on and on and on…
To understand what love is, you have to be in love!

P.S. Came across this quote by chance and it touched those chords inside me.

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Things we CAN do

We cannot stop ageing, but we can stop making a big deal out of it.
We cannot foresee our future, but we can make the most of our present.
Just like we cannot go back to our past, but sure can make today a beautiful past.
Money will never be enough, can’t we learn to be content with what we have.
We cannot make someone love us, but we still can love them anyway.
Words once spoken cannot be taken back, we can take things easy and stop being rude.
We don’t know if an earthquake blows us off tomorrow, we do know we are alive this very moment.
We cannot let go, so we think; but we can, but we can.
We cannot shrink ourselves to fit in a teensy dress, but there are all sizes available and a million other dresses that we can explore.
We can’t control or agree with everything that people say, yet we can let them say it anyway. No hard feelings.
We cannot help who hurts us, we can may be learn to forgive and forget.
We cannot change our favorite ice cream from mango to say chocolate, but we sure can relish chocolate for what it’s worth.

What I want to say is, there is an antidote to every little stupid thing that occupies our mind. All we need to do is buckle up and look out for it!

You Float baby!

Say you are drowning…but you have a life jacket on…so, hypothetically you are drowning(only in your head)…you are filled with consternation and you start moving your hands and feet in all directions..impatient..restless..scared..looking for something to hang on..something to hold on to. What do you find? That it is only worsening your situation. Water is buzzing in through your nose and ears. Then something hits you..you spread your arms and just set free..thinking let me try this too, how worse could it get! That is when miracle happens and suddenly you are floating in peace, gazing at the clear sky..hearing the birds chirp…taking in the greenery around you.

This was one of my rafting experiences but how easily could one relate it to life!
Why don’t we just stop panicking and let loose?