Calling back that good friend of yours. Finishing that long overdue book you have been reading since four months. Cooking a dish you have been meaning to for days. Parceling a gift for your parents. Start that daily exercise routine. Coming out of the jungle mode and cutting your nails. Language lessons. Decluttering your desktop folders. Putting away your old unused set of clothes. Start binging on the series you have been wanting to watch.
Having all the time in the world and still not finding time for certain things.
I woke up today with a very specific and probably positive thought in mind: Make it count. The day. I wasn’t pretty sure on what would actually make it count. For me, mostly, a day well spent has been to be with family or friends or anybody you love. That’s my idea of “time utilization”. Lately, I have had a lot of time to myself. My friends are occupied, my family stays away etc. etc. A LOT of me time. That bug in my mind has been running hard from days to figure out, what now? I will not talk about any bigger plans here. I am pretty lost if I dig deep. Nevertheless, I woke up, I pondered a while, realized it is plain shit to sit and ponder, I cooked, I danced by myself for sometime, I picked my guitar to practise, I cleaned up my room a bit, that’s pretty much it. Did I make it count? That bug inside keeps appeasing me, calm down, keep going. I will just listen to my bug.
Words are not coming out for the thoughts creeping inside my head. How often do we decide something and the plan falls off track? Things not going on our accord. So you just accept the situation. Your friends are acting weird. Accept. You acting weird. Accept. Tired of same old questions. Accept. Your weaknesses. Accept. Unwavering love from parents. Accept. Surprising moments. Accept. Words from others, good and bad. Accept. For some reason, I am breaking inside, bit by bit. I can feel it in my bones. I put up a good face. A happy face. And at times I am genuinely happy too. But people have failed me. Or probably they are in the process. Or to put it correctly my belief in them seems to be faltering. I don’t know. I have got to let them be. That’s the right thing. This all sounds very negative, very blue. That is the problem. My emotions are on a roller coaster ride. And it’s not some PMS talking. It is me. They are taking swings, hopping around like those bouncing balls. I used to love playing with them as a kid and apparently now I have become one. I am not a self contained person. There. Accepted. And I think I’ll turn into one. By hook or by crook. May be it is for the good.
What do writers do? Do they think a lot…do they travel a lot…do they feel passionately about something…have they suffered a lot..I don’t even call myself a writer..but I am curious to know. I wonder how I still haven’t found my footing. I am in the middle of things…I am trying this..and doing that…I haven’t yet pursued anything with utmost passion. I have a job and I do it seriously, but passionate? I just find things interesting. In that moment of interest I might seem really boosted up..and into it. And then my interest wanes. Does that make me a halka-fulka(that is hindi for light weight) person? Am I too frivolous to be taken seriously. Probably because I never take myself seriously? Motivational talks don’t work on me. They might hold me captivated for a week and then it’s all downhill from there. At this moment I feel I am being more words and lesser action. What if I stick onto something even after my interest has faded. Yeah..that won’t work right. I don’t know I talk here as if I am talking one on one to people. :P. I always write things like..keep it simple..take it light…may be I need to get serious about something. Really follow it up with discipline. I read someone’s status the other day: find that one thing you love and let it kill you. Humm. Food for thought?!
Get your shit together! I remind myself. Almost on a daily basis. So, today has been a hectic day. By mental and physical standards. My health is deteriorating. I am sensing it. And like a fool, I am keeping record of it instead of doing something about it. Like how a 70 year old celebrity who is in hospital is reported by the tabloids. Day before yesterday, admitted. Yesterday, not looking good. Today, taking the 70 year old to surgery. Here, I am the 70 year old and I am the tabloid. I think I’ll write my story to the hospital bed. What a sad human being. I assume this is my way of staying in delusion. I am waiting for the worst moment. Like okay..life could get worst..show me how worse?! I know I am ruining it. Working late..skipping meals..sleeping and avoiding daily chores. Couldn’t these scientists come up with some vaccine that would boost your energy cells? Make you happy ..make you wanna do things the normal way? I am on the wrong track and I am coercing myself again..get your shit together. Only words. It comes from within right..that positive feeling. Have my insides gone stale? So soon? Will I never be actually happy..actually normal from the inner core of my being? I am writing this to make note of this phase. I want to get on to the next jubilient phase and write a polar opposite article against this one. I have to fix my timings, eating, learning, staying, living, breathing..i have to breathe without any thought at the back of my head. Cope with me readers. I will, rise from the dead! Or rise before I am dead!
My mind is warning me at the moment: don’t write anything now…it will be trivial and boring and repetitive and what not. I have gone against my mind’s whim and started a new post.
May be I’ll try out some few lines. How do I fight against my own mind?! I have been thinking and I have got a headache today probably because of overthinking. Or probably because of under eating. I want to stay fit and I am too lazy to cook. These things are not going right the way they are. Sooner I am going to end up in a sick bed. Let me come up with a solution. I avoid cooking for every minimal reason. Whatever happened to my self loving funda? Not eating is one form of carelessness right and an indication that I don’t worry much about myself. Why? Why am I not worrying. Self loathe? Noh. I want all good things for me. :D. Then laziness probably. And I do cook good. I love what I cook. It’s laziness for sure. What’s the cure for laziness? I googled while I am on this post. Wiki says:
Figure out the real issue – Okay!
and then it goes on about, focus on the actual problem, get organized, jump out of bed, start, mind the self-talk, don’t give up..oh my god it is full of suggestions.
Am I hurting, am I uninspired, am I tired or overwhelmed? Hmm, well, I know one thing: I am hungry as hell right now and none of the above. Will take the cue, and enter my kitchen.
I am quite languid today. Languid not distressed, which is somewhat good. I don’t know what I’ll write right now. I have to start eating regularly. I have been so lost, I have forgotten to take my care. I have given up cooking and I have given up eating as well since quite a few days. Why this self professed stupidity?! I don’t know. Somewhere the back of my head is ringing it’s unhealthy but I need a jolt. Eat moronic creature eat! I have to revive many things. I got to liven up a little. Add spark into this daily activities. Practise some self indulgence. Eat some chocolates. Cook some yummy delicious meal. Refill my iPod with some perky songs. Open up some novel. Got to start studying something. I have to go back and assure my guitar that I haven’t abandoned it. I have so much to do! Why am I humming tunes of laziness here? Atleast accomplish the regular tasks of making yourself dinner. Will you? Mmm I will. Will you for sure? Yes I will.
(Things crazy people do when alone: talk to self like there are two of you)
I just heard a song and will take a moment here to quote some lines from it:
“bin puche mera naam aur pataa…(without asking my name or address..)
rasmon ko rakh ke pare..(keeping the customs aside..)
char kadam bas char kadam chal do na saath mere..(four steps..just four steps..come walk along with me..)
bin kuch kahe bin kuch sune..(without saying or hearing anything..)
Haathon mein haath liye..(taking hand in hand of each other)
Char kadam bas char kadam chal do na saath mere..(four steps..just four steps..come walk along with me..)”
Isn’t that tingly feeling just beautiful when you have loads of uncertainities and yet loads of deep rooted silly expectations from a person! When you are seeing all butterflies and sunflowers in a traffic signal full of honking cars.
I so adore that unspoken kind of companionship. The song made me smile all over again.
These Sundays are surpringly quite variant when you are spending them alone. In single span of a day you will have highs and lows intermittently occuring every now and then. I have got all sorts of thoughts in my head today: what am I doing?! Why am I sleeping like a bear?! Why don’t i improve my eating habits?! Why don’t i start exercising? Stop dwelling on the past! Stop opening shopping sites for a while! what do i read now? What’s happening in the world?! could i care any less?! How cool would it be to have someone walk few steps along with me..without asking any questions or expecting any answers..:)?..