It is strange how sometimes the regular stuff you do becomes irregular and out of sync. Like I am reading after long today, lying awake at 3.25 in the morning, taking screen shots of quotes I like, watching TV shows I enjoy, listening to interviews of my favorite actors, doing stuff I regularly do, after a long pause in time. Have been busy of late, happily busy if I may add. But this feels right. No judgements; no opinions. Safe space in my own bubble.
My bff told me, these are my escape routes, things that I do when I am alone. But it ain’t quite true. I find comfort in these things. I am missing time to do these mundane things. So..what do we do, when world around us changes? We change a bit too, yet keep intact these proclivities. Quirks that make you, you.
Tomorrow, I’ll be shifting to a new house. Somehow managed to pack my stuff with an injured feet through a friend’s help. She was a blessing in disguise. I have been staying in the current room for about three years. To be honest, I am a bit anxious about leaving this place, that I have grown pretty comfortable staying at. Probably the reason why I am writing about it on my last night here.
It took a little while but this became my home. Memories. Moments of all kinds, nerve-wrecking and some breath-taking. Funny as it may sound but this house has witnessed me grow, been my humble abode on good and bad days.
I guess the feeling is natural. You get attached, and then you have to let go. Of course it is a tad bit more flummoxing to people who are emotional, isn’t it? Time to bid adieu. Here’s to changes, for the better. :).
These words could invoke loneliness at a whole new level. You have someone but only as empathetic as the wall in your room. You can’t run to them. You can’t demonstrate your authority over them. You cannot even complain to the universe. You lay in your bed, head tilted upside down embracing the emptiness inside your head. Plenty of questions. No answers. In life, at times, one trips over circumstances which are not a throughput of your own deeds. I want to say, accept what comes. Cringe. Dole. Find your own way through. Try and accept it.
Time is flying! Really! I was perusing through my About page and I realized I have to update my age again..I just turned 26 a week back. Officialy treading to the tumultuous path of adulthood. So, after one crosses 25, aren’t we supposed to be like oh well! yeah! age is just a number. I don’t know though. I still want gifts and cakes and all “it’s your day” drama around me. Birthdays are a big deal for me.
So anyway, this one went quite smooth as I was on a road trip to a friend’s wedding who decided to get married on my birthday(!). Speaking about weddings, my friends are on a full-fledged nuptial spree. They are either hitched or in the process to be. Everyone is talking about it or thinking about it. And here I am..attending back to back marriage functions, in December, Feb, March, April..Phew.
And also, here I am, clueless about my own future. Questions come at me like…do you want to go for love marriage or arranged marriage? And I am answering things like, I don’t want to go for marriage. Which is true though, per my current state of mind. I mean how does a marriage define you are on the right ladder of your journey? I have no thoughts in my mind lately. I also am hating the fact that I am growing apart to some of these so-called “friends”. Makes me question the very foundation that, Were we even friends at the first place?
So anyway, as I age, things are getting murkier. People are changing. I am changing. I know not what is right, nor what is age appropriate. I know it is my journey, and I have to traverse it on my own rules.
P.S.These are all pics from the weddings I attended in the past few months. Lots of fun, food, dance, happy moments.
Why do we have this constant need for approval? This thought running subtly in the background, to prove. Every small thing. My job should speak of the money I am earning. My clothes have to be super dandy! I am not dumb, I know current affairs. I am not emotionally unstable, I eat and sleep and interact. I work hard, just go through my schedule.
I have to make a point!
What will they think?
Whatever share of life you are living, why the need to stamp it with approval or in better words, why strive to prove? People will come, give a comment or two and move on. You don’t have to rub your brains around why they said it. They haven’t stated a fact; it is only one opinion. And a person saying, you have it easy doesn’t really make anything easy for you. Just be strong, trust your instincts. Give yourself a chance to believe that you are not half as bad. And you don’t need anyone’s consent for this. Good day!
Should I stop conversing because the negativity turns me down? I think I talk less to people because I don’t know what they might say next to piss me off. Yes, a totally wrong approach. But I stay rather at peace without the struggle to understand motives behind other’s words. No matter how well you know the person, they have this dorky side they will present you with and then you question your own sanity for being friends with such a dork! I guess something is wrong with my internal wiring, that in my hunky dory state I scavenge and find reasons to turn blue. Yes, sadness is way more poetic and all things beautiful. If you want you can forever swim in that ocean but try diving into the happiness pond please! Try soaking in the sun with all its radiance and warmth. You are sufficient. Aren’t you? Chuck naysayers. I want to say fuck…okay fuck them. Peace out.
Can you go on throughout the day without speaking a word? Like a pithy okay and nice from your mouth, a bit of please, thank you here and there, that’s all, nothing else. Does that make one weird? On days when I have had close to null interaction, and I am ruling out social media talks or texting, I strangely tend to talk to myself!
Left late from office today. And just before I was moving to the parking lot to get to my scooty(we need to call it with a better name!), I heard these roaring thunderstorms. Cacophonic, slightly intimidating. It hadn’t started raining yet. To soothe myself, I uttered in my head..garajte badal baraste nahi..(it’s kind of a hindi counterpart for barking dogs seldom bite…that literally means thunderous clouds don’t quite give a rainfall). I think the clouds took umbrage in it. It pricked them right at the spot, because the wrath of rain that I faced thereafter was something! Heavy and getting heavier by the second. I was all drenched and shivering and uttering on my way: fuck! Never smart mouth the nature next time.
I will resume my interaction with humans from tomorrow.
I could better be an owl! At least that would save me from getting late for office tomorrow. Sleep disorder. Eating disorder. Let’s not even step into emotional disorder. Why am I living like this? Been there, done that, so many times. Have been out of sync so often that I have almost forgotten how it feels, to be naturally happy. There are moments when I am around people and a wave of thoughts rushes into my head and I just run amok to find some empty corner to sit and process my thoughts(therapist anyone!).
I know each one of us has issues. And a history behind it. Is happiness more rare than sadness these days? Why has discontent overtaken my content? Plus I don’t understand the concept of seeking happiness. Doing things that you consider would make you happy because, well others look happy doing it! It’s a load of crap. What I do know now is, I am on the driving seat. No one else. Have to, have to, take control.
Anyway, I think I got carried away. What I wanted to tell you all is that I recently started riding my two-wheeler to office. Stumbled, struggled, feared but I did start. Kind of a tiny big deal for me!
The world is such a strange place, it allows existence of contradictory things. Love coexists along with hatred. Restlessness coexists with patience. Loneliness walks aside even in company of others. Even the rich feel something is amiss and less fortunate revel in all content.We get what we want and still crave for more. We care and still hesitate to show. Summers bring memories of rains. And rains don’t stop waiting for the winters. Skinny like to eat and sad ones heartily smile. That reminds me….never should we prejudice or hold any preconceived notions. There are surprises waiting on every step we take!
I am free. I choose. I decide. I stride. I falter. I even fall. And I rise. I cry and I laugh. I worry. I ignore. I hold on to. I let go. I smile. I pray. I think. I walk. I live in the moment. I gasp for air. I love. I endure. I scribble. I juggle. I sustain. I try. I am. I just am. Let me be.