Here is a theory (yep! call me crazy): When you part with someone you love…it becomes kind of obvious that you are going to be Mr./Miss/Mrs. gloomy for a plentiful days. You won’t get out of bed, you won’t eat right, you won’t mingle, you will possibly do all deplorable things to make you much worse than you are. At that point of time, it seems justified, a natural course of action. Like, yeah that person mattered to me, and I am literally down in the dumps without them.
But, how about doing the exact opposite? Say improving yourself for the ones you loved. Yeah let the gloominess phase out; if it doesn’t, limp, crawl, somehow, fight out of it. Sure, getting out of the bed seems like a hill to surmount. You are better than that, heck I am better than that. Wonder what it would be like, if you just sat and decided to be a better version of yourself. I mean what’s there to lose now right? Store the residuals in a locker or something. Do something good. Something fulfilling, that delights you. Take up some activity out of your comfort zone, learn something you are entirely new to. Imagine, if you ever meet this person somewhere down the lane, you could just smile and say, your love made me stronger.
One day, when you look back, it will all make sense. The happenings, mishappenings. Your staleness and exuberance. Triviality and enormity of the events around you. It will all come rushing in as a huge palpable epiphany. However, this isn’t the time to seek sense. For now, angels in the sky hint: keep striding forward. Don’t wince. Smile if you may. Because one day, when you look back, you’ll find a million reasons to.
6:00 am. A lizard is crawling right on top of my wall. They creep me out in totality. For a moment, I thought may be we could turn friends…you know, staying in the same room and stuff! But neither one of us wants to make an effort. Happy in our own space. Anyway, I am at the brink of this weekend. The clock ticks 8 am and the dynamics would change. How strange is that? How rigid is the mind? Sticks to the notions and the set beliefs. If only I could mix Mondays with the Sun-Fun-Sundays!
I am a believer…not a cynic..would only hope for a better day ahead. So, cheers to you-better-work-your-ass-off Mondays! And I hope you guys have a great week ahead of you.
They say sleep gives your mind some rest. But what if you have gotten aloof to the idea of rest. What if restlessness runs in your veins now, along with those RBCs and WBCs? That uneasy feeling inside your body which subjugates your mind. Can’t think straight. Can’t act or react with propriety. Insanity makes sense now.
Mental discomfort sucks!
Physical discomfort resulting from above sucks even more!
So I am going to get some sleep. New day. New story. New beginnings.
The world is such a strange place, it allows existence of contradictory things. Love coexists along with hatred. Restlessness coexists with patience. Loneliness walks aside even in company of others. Even the rich feel something is amiss and less fortunate revel in all content.We get what we want and still crave for more. We care and still hesitate to show. Summers bring memories of rains. And rains don’t stop waiting for the winters. Skinny like to eat and sad ones heartily smile. That reminds me….never should we prejudice or hold any preconceived notions. There are surprises waiting on every step we take!
Saturday morning. Pensive mood. Looking forward to living this day. Happiness is in you. Make it last. Spread it around. Turning 25 soon. Not liking it. Still smiling. Exploring new phone. Virtual world is boring me. And yet I am blogging here. Bits of virtual world are boring me. Not finding genuine emotions to cater to. Staying away from human kind. Short sentences. Lesser words. Wishing someone tried to understand the silence. People give you every reason to walk away. Yet you decide to stay. It is difficult. So darn difficult.
There are days when my brain is advising: don’t write anything today..still I go ahead and do it anyway. Some days seem prosaically long to me. Like loooo…oong. The mornings would be super energetic and my energy will drain as the evening comes along. Or something might happen just to pull me down. Or may be these are just erratic mood swings..who is to say! I feel like a Pac-Man, you know the character from those childhood video games. It had to eat those small dots and gain as many points while avoiding the ghosts at the same time. You touch a ghost and you die. GAME-OVER. Dots I eat pretty well..but man! dodging the ghosts is a task. My ghost list is a huge one. Anything can stir me up. Or turn me blue. So I stroll..eating all possible dots..staying happy as I go along..doing my stuff..smiling..avoiding my ghosts. I avoid anything that I find even slightly repelling. Or a negative thought that is trying to make home in my head..I utter..no no no!
I have been getting such random thoughts lately. Of Pac-Man and the sorts. A lot of them and I want that someone just splashes a bucket full of water on me! Or I myself take a dive into some pool of water. Just to be taken aback a little. You know..feel the rush. Empty mind is a devil’s workshop…everybody knows it..but my empty mind is full of crap. Not even a seminary for devious ideas! It’s 11:09 pm IST. Chuck these thoughts. Chuck Pac-Man. Let me make use of the time before I fall asleep. :).
Get your shit together! I remind myself. Almost on a daily basis. So, today has been a hectic day. By mental and physical standards. My health is deteriorating. I am sensing it. And like a fool, I am keeping record of it instead of doing something about it. Like how a 70 year old celebrity who is in hospital is reported by the tabloids. Day before yesterday, admitted. Yesterday, not looking good. Today, taking the 70 year old to surgery. Here, I am the 70 year old and I am the tabloid. I think I’ll write my story to the hospital bed. What a sad human being. I assume this is my way of staying in delusion. I am waiting for the worst moment. Like okay..life could get worst..show me how worse?! I know I am ruining it. Working late..skipping meals..sleeping and avoiding daily chores. Couldn’t these scientists come up with some vaccine that would boost your energy cells? Make you happy ..make you wanna do things the normal way? I am on the wrong track and I am coercing myself again..get your shit together. Only words. It comes from within right..that positive feeling. Have my insides gone stale? So soon? Will I never be actually happy..actually normal from the inner core of my being? I am writing this to make note of this phase. I want to get on to the next jubilient phase and write a polar opposite article against this one. I have to fix my timings, eating, learning, staying, living, breathing..i have to breathe without any thought at the back of my head. Cope with me readers. I will, rise from the dead! Or rise before I am dead!
Why do i feel like an alien in this whole wide world? Like i am all alone and strayed and nothing would ever free me of my misery. Or nothing would ever make me happy to the core. Deceptions leave you bruised. But I don’t have anyone to blame. Nor do I have a particular reason to stay so. It’s like I am torn between two sides of me. One is optimistic, carefree, cheery, tackles everything; the other side is downright pathetic..it talks to self and cannot control tears and feels like a lone ranger when standing in the crowd. I have to cut all the crap about past and future. PRESENT! Don’t waste your present. Make it worthwhile. I want to close my eyes and feel alive again. Like really alive. All spruced up. Like i would smile and the world will melt. :).