There are moments in one’s life where simply put, your heart skips a beat.
It could be something very basic. Extremely commonplace. Like a flip of the hair, eyes talking, a very untimely hug. You could be innocently looking at someone when they aren’t aware of it, or just watching a person sleep cosily. A moment that stays with you. Almost like a painting. Tugs your heart chords. Butterflies in the stomach. Makes you slightly breathless. A very specific instance in time when you know you’re truly fucked and there is no turning back.
I speak to the people who experience these moments or register them, it’s a blessing. You don’t have to act on it. It’s the nature harmonising to your tunes and the universe making sense for a very brief time. Cherish it. And that’s all to it.
Feelings. A very risky business. You catch them unawares. You lose them without notice. You can’t really help feeling a certain way, try as you may.
Change is imminent. But it’s those few days before the change when you’re feeling too many things.
A sweet kind of sadness lingering in the air. The helplessness to be slightly out of control. The fear of uncertainty. Where is this life heading towards next? You feel each moment a little too deeply. Things that were once quotidian present themselves in a totally different light. You smile, you cry. You lose this non-confrontational battle with your feelings. What would follow next is reminiscence. What would follow next are the challenges.
The sun rises another day, in another land and you brace yourself with the hope that it will only get better.
I fell while riding my scooter. Taking along my friend down, who sat behind me. This happened about four days ago. Yes, nothing serious. All bodily organs in place, working, with little bruises here and there. I normally would have made a big deal out of this incident. I am innately little dramatic about injuries. The blood clot on my left arm is actually making me want to chop off the whole arm altogether. So yeah, little dramatic. But this time around, it was my fault. Plus the added guilt of having made my friend trip. I stayed low-key. Bandaged up. Wore full sleeve shirts to office. No sympathy gaining.
The real surprise came today. We decided to go out for coffee. Yeah, the same friend and I. I was pretty sure she will prefer auto ride after “what had happened”. I mean she was still limping (i know! :/ ) And I was 10% unsure myself about my once-proven-faulty driving skills. But the gall, the balls, the whatever it took for her to say she will sit behind me again!!! I trust you, she said. In my head I went…whattttt?!! People amaze you sometimes. With their big foolish hearts. Days like this, when you won’t be sure about yourself and a few out there are still ready to take a chance on you. Makes you smile, isn’t it.
So we went, had coffee, chilled, returned home safely. End of story. :).
I could have waited till the end of time…till what they call eternity…till what could have seemed forever..till time lost its meaning..I really could have. But you never asked. My shredded pieces did yearn. My tears lost touch with eyes and kept falling for my cheeks. I would be startled thinking..what the fuck is wrong with them! I know you didn’t mean any harm, but you did plenty. Now when I am healing or so it seems, I only want peace and quiet. Harmony..is that too much to ask for?
You know what they say, every end has a new beginning. May we stay etched in time. May we grow past this and wish each other well. May we last in parallel universes. :).
Be true to your heart. Face lies, employ pretense, compromise with the world, fall, rise, stumble, reach new heights, fly higher clouds, hit rock bottom, witness vivid colours of life, make mistakes, make lots of them, but no matter what you do, no matter what happens to you, be true to yourself. There is this whole gargantuan world you know nothing about and there’s you. Atleast we can be sure about ourselves. At the end of the day we shouldn’t be asking ourself questions like…Who am I kidding? It’s one life. Why live a false one.
Well the damage is already done!
What do we do now? We start writing up a blog…we start changing our choice of songs..we start setting up goals..something we are totally new at…WE get up our asses out of the bed every morning and face the day…and even though nights again remind us of our shitty situation..we try our best to ignore the devious night. I use here WE because I am aware there are many many people at this very moment going through the same life altering phase as I am. It’s no big deal on a larger scale. So you thought you had it all sorted out! So you were ignorantly very happy in your own bubble of fantasies. Your life had found meaning. There were obstacles but you said…i’ll take it all! I’ll be the shield and armor and everything for this person. I’ll bear the brunt and wait for the long haul. I’ll push my limits and test my patience. I’ll do every fricking thing. As long as I have you. And what happened? It came like a huge blow and shattered you to the very core. Like how they show in high definition videos when a gun shot peirces a glass wall and there are shards scattered everywhere. Very dramatic eh?! Heart breaks are always dramatic. And no matter how many times you have experienced it…the next one is always more torturous than its predecessors. So here is my endeavour to recover from a FRESH heart break..feels like end of something beautiful. Had it pictured all differently. And I am no movie character who will rise from the ashes and see new light at some place different. I mean I’ll definitely move on, more so because of my adorably cute traits. But I just want to preserve it at some place safe. Like okay! It couldn’t last forever but i want it etched in history on some strong strong wall so that whatever We had felt and shared will never ever wane and remain intact no matter how many years pass by. May be this one has left me poetic. :P.
So what next? No more falling for wrong people? I don’t know if that’s even possible. I think these wrong people…they have some magnet attached to their bodies and you keep getting drawn. They should come with signboards you know: “Hello! Tread with Caution”
I might have seen some light amidst all this crap. People you love remain loved throughout your life. They might be far and you won’t see or hear from them but they can’t escape your love . :). You know how some sensible people say I am waiting for the right person! I guess i’ll chuck this refined theory and go through all these series of wrong people and find my right guy in the process. I mean who thinks and then falls in love! Robots may be. I am a human. I’ll love with all my might and I’ll make HUGE mistakes and I’ll be fine. Yeah I know that. So my plan ahead is simple: have a heart of gold and keep shining! Some may hurt you..you may hurt some..it’s all very complicated and not worth thinking. Keep it simple and easy.