What do you do when you can’t help feeling a certain kind of way? There is no right or wrong to it. But you end up feeling helpless, at the mercy of your own will. I am realising that moving past a mistake is difficult. You know that’s the only way out of your misery. But you can’t seem to do it anyway. The feeling erupts unannounced, and leaves you disappointed over the progress you have made. Makes you feel that you’ll never move on. But you know you will move on. Just need to figure out how. Can’t be impossible, isn’t it?
Today started off on a good note, I hit the gym! I occasionally run and I want to turn this into a non negotiable habit. You know what they say:
I am up for commitment to fitness, :D. Really need to update my iPod music though. Just had a realization that it is full of lovey dovey songs and no work out music.
Friday was an off here and I have a long weekend for myself. Currently, hooked, hitched and anchored to the Mirzya title track that has come out yesterday! It is from a movie based on Mirza-Sahiban love story, which intrigued me when I saw it. Turned out, theirs was a tragic end. I fail to remember having read any love story with a happy ending! It is an eternal truth I guess, the incomplete ones live on.
Have a great weekend, you all!
They say sleep gives your mind some rest. But what if you have gotten aloof to the idea of rest. What if restlessness runs in your veins now, along with those RBCs and WBCs? That uneasy feeling inside your body which subjugates your mind. Can’t think straight. Can’t act or react with propriety. Insanity makes sense now.
Mental discomfort sucks!
Physical discomfort resulting from above sucks even more!
Yeah..it is unethical..and not girl-like to talk about shit in public…but “why waste time abiding opinions”. So here I am with a poop story. God made me realize the very essense of patience today. I was out with my friends, celebrating a pal’s birthday and we ate a plethora of food from this restaurant(won’t name the damned restaurant) Everything under control yet. So was heading towards my home at night. And my stomach started taking some unsual rides. I was like okay..this is normal because I had so much to eat! Little did I know what was coming up. This uneasiness in my stomach started surging..increasing with each passing minute. So much so that I booked a cab instead of using the public transport(about ten times cheaper) so that I could use the loo sooner. Didn’t have NO strength or patience to search for it near by. I was still half an hour away from my poop destination. To be frank, I was pretty amused as I have very high threshold in these matters. I was talking to myself in head: Shit man! What’s wrong ? How can I feel so icky. That too being an adult. That ride was like the longest ever. iPod was turned off. Cellphone bunked into my bag. I was so directed and focussed I cannot express! Each red signal on the way paced my stomach molecules and made me hurdle here and there. MOST PATHETIC half an hour of my life. What all tricks did I manifest to deviate from my current situation! I was thinking about my past boyfriends. And then about things that calm me down. Shopping. Beaches. Washrooms. NO HELP. So I just sat there and took God’s name..and said to myself…just a few more minutes for the doors to Heaven. :D. And i proactively took out my keys and the money I had to pay to the driver. At last..it was over! There is no relief better than such. PS: There was something wrong with the food! My friend called me up cursing it later and said..aaaiii..loose motions! 😀
Came to a pizza outlet..sitting there..waiting for my order…could have had it home delivered..but I always come instead. I like going through the added trouble..makes it worth the wait may be..and no I am not going to blog about my every waking activity..:D..but coming here gives me minutes to think..a friend of mine disconnected himself from all social media..whatsapp etc..he says it consumes his time..another friend says she wants some me time..she will go and sit by the beaches for hours..I guess this can count as one of my odd habits..coming alone, sitting, staring, waiting. Don’t know, I kind of like it.
#sudden pizza cravings during work. Lazy weather.
There are days when my brain is advising: don’t write anything today..still I go ahead and do it anyway. Some days seem prosaically long to me. Like loooo…oong. The mornings would be super energetic and my energy will drain as the evening comes along. Or something might happen just to pull me down. Or may be these are just erratic mood swings..who is to say! I feel like a Pac-Man, you know the character from those childhood video games. It had to eat those small dots and gain as many points while avoiding the ghosts at the same time. You touch a ghost and you die. GAME-OVER. Dots I eat pretty well..but man! dodging the ghosts is a task. My ghost list is a huge one. Anything can stir me up. Or turn me blue. So I stroll..eating all possible dots..staying happy as I go along..doing my stuff..smiling..avoiding my ghosts. I avoid anything that I find even slightly repelling. Or a negative thought that is trying to make home in my head..I utter..no no no!
I have been getting such random thoughts lately. Of Pac-Man and the sorts. A lot of them and I want that someone just splashes a bucket full of water on me! Or I myself take a dive into some pool of water. Just to be taken aback a little. You know..feel the rush. Empty mind is a devil’s workshop…everybody knows it..but my empty mind is full of crap. Not even a seminary for devious ideas! It’s 11:09 pm IST. Chuck these thoughts. Chuck Pac-Man. Let me make use of the time before I fall asleep. :).
This weekend has been a relaxing one. A little too relaxing I would say. When you are not doing anything, your mind runs in myriad directions. It dwells into the past, it tries to foresee the future. Either way, you sit back and contemplate and draw new conclusions for yourself. I have had very less interaction with the outside world since last three days and ample of time to ponder. Probably one of the reasons why I am writing down right now. I slept, went out for a stroll, I ate, I shopped, I read the news, and now I am writing. I could talk to my friends but I would rather not for today. Some are away. I guess the ones I wanna talk to are away. Anyway. There I was wondering, given to my weekend free time. Procrastination could be coined as a disease. It’s doing me lot of harm. I have activities lined up in my head and no urge to carry them forward. No push. No zeal. If only, something inside me could twist and curl and turn me all spunky! More disciplined. About my guitar lessons, my routine, about my unfinished novels, about numerous other stuff. I want to outgrow these stupid little weekend thoughts. Work it girl! There is no other go. They won’t have a cure as they haven’t termed it a disease yet. May be I’ll come up with a more activity-filled article next weekend if things go right. If my head works right I mean!
My mind is warning me at the moment: don’t write anything now…it will be trivial and boring and repetitive and what not. I have gone against my mind’s whim and started a new post.
May be I’ll try out some few lines. How do I fight against my own mind?! I have been thinking and I have got a headache today probably because of overthinking. Or probably because of under eating. I want to stay fit and I am too lazy to cook. These things are not going right the way they are. Sooner I am going to end up in a sick bed. Let me come up with a solution. I avoid cooking for every minimal reason. Whatever happened to my self loving funda? Not eating is one form of carelessness right and an indication that I don’t worry much about myself. Why? Why am I not worrying. Self loathe? Noh. I want all good things for me. :D. Then laziness probably. And I do cook good. I love what I cook. It’s laziness for sure. What’s the cure for laziness? I googled while I am on this post. Wiki says:
Figure out the real issue – Okay!
and then it goes on about, focus on the actual problem, get organized, jump out of bed, start, mind the self-talk, don’t give up..oh my god it is full of suggestions.
Am I hurting, am I uninspired, am I tired or overwhelmed? Hmm, well, I know one thing: I am hungry as hell right now and none of the above. Will take the cue, and enter my kitchen.
I am quite languid today. Languid not distressed, which is somewhat good. I don’t know what I’ll write right now. I have to start eating regularly. I have been so lost, I have forgotten to take my care. I have given up cooking and I have given up eating as well since quite a few days. Why this self professed stupidity?! I don’t know. Somewhere the back of my head is ringing it’s unhealthy but I need a jolt. Eat moronic creature eat! I have to revive many things. I got to liven up a little. Add spark into this daily activities. Practise some self indulgence. Eat some chocolates. Cook some yummy delicious meal. Refill my iPod with some perky songs. Open up some novel. Got to start studying something. I have to go back and assure my guitar that I haven’t abandoned it. I have so much to do! Why am I humming tunes of laziness here? Atleast accomplish the regular tasks of making yourself dinner. Will you? Mmm I will. Will you for sure? Yes I will.
(Things crazy people do when alone: talk to self like there are two of you)