I can list down the reasons but cannot really explain why. It’s just a mix of everything.
Nothing seems completely right. I seem to be losing my touch. What do you do when you face your flaws? When you realise your shortcomings. When some people point it out to you. Or may be even bring it out in you.
I would like to wade off negativity. Some things just pull you down and I don’t want to waste my time over them. A sense of purposelessness prevails. Nothing is bringing pure joy or even a whole hearted smile. I am changing for the worse. I don’t feel myself, now that I am not exuding positive energy.
Mann karta hai bhaag jaun kahin. Akele.
I wish to run away somewhere, that is. Alone.
What a respite it would be, to not be answerable to anyone, not to compromise, not to fidget, not to struggle, or utter words out of spite.
Heal first, if you are wounded, before correcting the things around you. Find your light first. Seek and ye shall find.
I wouldn’t like to use this term loosely but there are days when I am more anxious than the regular days. It could be triggered by any small thing, like a bad dream, a silly Pinterest quote, something that I saw in a movie, a song. What I am learning is, each day is not the same. And some days take a lot of effort from me to stay focused. I can’t help it when the feeling kicks in but keeping my phone away helps, talking to friends helps, talking to your dear ones makes the feeling go away, writing does it too. These are strange times indeed, and then we all have our inner battles to tackle. They say, time fixes things; heals old wounds. I would just call it a bad day and go to sleep. Jittery nerves will figure their way out slowly. Steadily.
Who could have imagined? That we will ever experience something like this. Seems like we are playing a part in some zombie/apocalyptic/pandemic movie(last one being a reality right now). With no one on the streets; Logarithmic graphs rising exponentially. Super markets appearing to be danger zones. Masks. Gloves. Hand wash. 2 metres distance. Cough. Sneeze. News. Cooped up in home. Of course the toilet rolls. And still a long way to go.
Every thing is halted. Universe has intervened in an unprecedented manner. There must be a reason for all this. Something must have gone eerily wrong and needed a stop. Human kind is deliberated to sit and ponder. Well, so will I abide.
I am keeping it low key. Focusing on my self. One day at a time. Reading books. Staying off phone. Movies. Exercise. Funny memes. A little French learning. Simple things, you know.
I am keeping myself busy. Last emotional outburst was about eight days back, which is an achievement, trust me. Pushing myself to not skip my evening meals. Reading regularly. Taking deep breaths when I start panicking. I do have those moments in a day where I just want to shut my thoughts because they make me so upset. I am hurt. And I need to accept that and take steps to better myself.
Anything and everything acts like a trigger. One moment I would be walking down the street, all cheerful(very momentary feeling these days) and another moment tears start rolling down my eyes. It’s difficult. It helps when I am listening to others talk. Kind of takes my mind off things. Probably documenting my journey would help. Writing has always been my outlet. Not that I am an expert at it. But enough with the self-doubt. Am I right?!
On that note, caught the first sight of spring today. I probably started paying attention now. It was a delight to see some flowers bloom. See those white little thingies? Well, made me smile.
I haven’t been myself for over a year. Could you imagine?
It’s come to a point where I can no longer sensibly process my thoughts. I feel weak. I feel fragile. Broken. Small. Ashamed. Insecure. Incapable. Worthless. Lost. SAD. Anxious. Confused. Did I mention weak already?
Oh my god! From being my own motivator to see myself like this, it kind of makes me want to say a huge SORRY to myself. So that’s what I am going to do right now. I am going to apologize to myself and you could be party to it.
I am sorry for giving too much of myself away to be with someone.
I am sorry for not caring about my health enough or can I say at all.
I am sorry to let another person’s view affect my sense of belief.
I am sorry to cry about something mean someone said out of their own fears.
I am sorry to have thought so small of myself.
I am sorry that people aren’t always nice and that in turn shouldn’t turn you bitter.
I am sorry for not relishing what I have.
I am sorry for not counting my blessings.
I am sorry for overlooking the problems faced by the people around me.
I am sorry for having dark circles around my eyes and a loss of weight, a loss of appetite, a loss of interest in things.
I am sorry, every time my ears flared up out of anxiety, moments of immense trepidation, insecurity, I am sorry I let someone’s action control me like that.
I am sorry to have become so dependent.
I am sorry to have my happiness taken lightly.
I am sorry to have myself be taken lightly.
I am sorry for locking myself in my room, for not stepping out for two days.
I am sorry for giving up on all my hobbies.
I am sorry to have cried endlessly and stressing myself to sleep.
I am sorry to have woken up depressed.
I am sorry for being inconsiderate because of my own mental struggles.
I am sorry for losing control of myself.
I am sorry for obsessing about something not worth obsessing.
I am sorry for giving others power over me.
I am sorry to have forgotten my worth, to all the moments of self-doubt.
I am sorry, I am really, really sorry you amazing, caring, loving, harmless, strong, independent, resilient, patient, smart, wise, quirky piece of a human being. I am sorry to put you in the back seat.
From here on, each day, every day, I am going to work towards building myself again. Be kind. And reflect my happy energy on to others. There is enough sadness and grief and complications in this life. Not just for me, for everyone around me. And I am going to treat everyone better, including myself.
I could have waited till the end of time…till what they call eternity…till what could have seemed forever..till time lost its meaning..I really could have. But you never asked. My shredded pieces did yearn. My tears lost touch with eyes and kept falling for my cheeks. I would be startled thinking..what the fuck is wrong with them! I know you didn’t mean any harm, but you did plenty. Now when I am healing or so it seems, I only want peace and quiet. Harmony..is that too much to ask for?
You know what they say, every end has a new beginning. May we stay etched in time. May we grow past this and wish each other well. May we last in parallel universes. :).
Taking a deep breath and clicking on this plus sign to write something…I am sad. There i admitted it. Not as sad like 🙁 but sad like :|. Ever since i lost this person in my life i have been sad. Actually he lost me, and see what have i done to myself! Feel like a walking machine. Like a void has occupied my system ever since. Doing all the normal things human beings do…bath, brush, eat, sleep. Stay busy. Then again i say to myself..enough of this crap! ENOUGH of sulking! My friends are getting tired of my behavior. I myself am getting tired of it. Let’s end it here, I daily repeat to myself. Has made me realize how inconsistent I am on my words. God if you are out there, i think you are reading this. And I think you are checking on me. Please get me out of this mess. I am reaching out to you with all my earnest emotions. Year is coming to an end. Let’s give it a rest. No more sulky posts. No more rantings. Seriously. Turn me into a free bird this year. If that is too much to ask for, please turn me into a fledgling at the least. I’ll find my way out from there.