The fear of losing something or someone is so inherent in me that it becomes really difficult to come out of that shell. I wouldn’t suffer, if I didn’t fear. How does one attain that level of nonchalance? Or are we, as humans, just built to bring upon self-inflicted misery to ourselves?
I terribly miss feeling self-sufficient. It would get lonely at times but I slept in peace. Woke up without stress. It’s funny, I am working towards being someone I once was. I have been writing way too many sad posts. Been paying attention to all the wrong things. There is so much beauty around to savour. It just needs the right eyes.
I often feel the world runs too fast for my pace. Like I am a snail trying to keep up with a leopard. And then I ponder, why can’t I take leisure in my pace. Definitely, the leopard and I don’t have a common destination in our minds. I have stopped speculating over the would be’s. At this moment, I have ample reasons to smile. And I find that enough. Nerves being nerves always act crazy, however, there is something different in my stride. Like it has found a way to walk on. The “rasta” so we speak is foggy, full of pebbles and stones, each turn bringing a new surprise. I still like walking on it though. Let’s see where it takes me.
If a person is taking their guard down, sincerely making an effort to see you happy, expressing their fears and insecurities in moments of doubt; When you know it is not going to be just pink and peaches but also sombre shades of grey on some days. When you secretly feel universe has conspired and made you stumble across each other’s path. Even after all that has been done and dusted, when someone manages to bring a smile on your face. When they hug you and are in no rush to let go. When you are too happy and scared at the same time because nothing lasts forever. What do you do? Do you take the plunge?
There is devil; there is the deep blue sea; and then there’s you. You came attached with a pre-written warning. Each meeting as uncertain as the next rainfall. Each word spoken to you with a sense of trepidation. Each glare aching to stay. Every moment gone by, yearning to be etched. Every touch emanating a spark; each spark begging not to die. The sparks on which books are written. Too many words spoken, yet emotions left unsaid. A story too short to begin, too close to share, too certain of its end. Doesn’t make it any less worthwhile.
The heat is soaring here in Bangalore and the weather occupies too much of my mind to be thinking about anything else. That persistent craving to go take another bath, the no ends tan, the discomfort in clothing…all regular hot weather grievances. Although, one thing I absolutely adore about the summer season: Mangoes! I patiently wait for this time of the year when I can relish these sweet little things in all their glorified forms: milkshakes, fruit slices, ice-creams, you name it. Immense love out there. So much so that I am posting about mangoes here. Not a food fanatic but yeah, this fruit fanatic!
Apart from this, life is going good. Living it, one day at a time. Not much contemplation; not much of trepidation. Finding ways to smile in little things. Accepting the way certain people are, not letting it space out my peace of mind.
P.S. This weekend’s highlight was watching SRK’s movie FAN, which I read a lot about, also loved; and then me buying mangoes and eating them and going crazy over them.
I woke up today with a very specific and probably positive thought in mind: Make it count. The day. I wasn’t pretty sure on what would actually make it count. For me, mostly, a day well spent has been to be with family or friends or anybody you love. That’s my idea of “time utilization”. Lately, I have had a lot of time to myself. My friends are occupied, my family stays away etc. etc. A LOT of me time. That bug in my mind has been running hard from days to figure out, what now? I will not talk about any bigger plans here. I am pretty lost if I dig deep. Nevertheless, I woke up, I pondered a while, realized it is plain shit to sit and ponder, I cooked, I danced by myself for sometime, I picked my guitar to practise, I cleaned up my room a bit, that’s pretty much it. Did I make it count? That bug inside keeps appeasing me, calm down, keep going. I will just listen to my bug.
There are two ways about it. About any conflicting situation. For any troubling scenario. You either let it get on your nerves or you let it not bother you. You either rub your head around it or you don’t give a fuck. Not to be rude, but you either let it gulp you in, or you choose to wade out of it. This time around, I am choosing to take it light! All these collective bunch of complexities.
Yes, easier said than done. Agreed, not a cake walk. Probably, a sporadic momentary positive thought. But, the intentions are benign. No harm done, no harm taken. Keep a good heart. Keep that smile on. Keep faith in those weird beautiful accidents happening in space. I am urging it to myself and well, you guys too!
Yesterday was my 1st anniversary with WordPress. I am like that husband who forgets the date and compensates for it a day later! Of course it means a lot to me darling. I have been so busy. bla and blah. Couldn’t find time on the D-day, but I will make up for it today.
So anyway, I am happy about this ONE year thing.
We have had a pleasant journey…I and my blog. It has made me more calm from inside, if you guys know what I mean?
I have had episodes in the last year…heart breaks, journeys, insomnia, moments of doubt, highs and lows. You know, usual human stuff. I have let it all out here and realized that happiness manifolds when you share it with others and blues get pacified at so many levels. Being faulty, or feeling lonely doesn’t come across as weird anymore. People out here are lovely. They have cheered me and appeased me; made me fly high on days I recognized as plain ordinary.
Then, I read what others write. On some days I ponder about it, the other days marvel at it. Some make me sad, some make me jubilant and some make my mouth go wide open! I kind of knew I had this emotional side to me and people here hit the damn right chords. So, THANK YOU all.
I tend to continue.
Happy blogging to myself and everyone reading it. Yoohooo!