I can list down the reasons but cannot really explain why. It’s just a mix of everything.
Nothing seems completely right. I seem to be losing my touch. What do you do when you face your flaws? When you realise your shortcomings. When some people point it out to you. Or may be even bring it out in you.
I would like to wade off negativity. Some things just pull you down and I don’t want to waste my time over them. A sense of purposelessness prevails. Nothing is bringing pure joy or even a whole hearted smile. I am changing for the worse. I don’t feel myself, now that I am not exuding positive energy.
Mann karta hai bhaag jaun kahin. Akele.
I wish to run away somewhere, that is. Alone.
What a respite it would be, to not be answerable to anyone, not to compromise, not to fidget, not to struggle, or utter words out of spite.
Heal first, if you are wounded, before correcting the things around you. Find your light first. Seek and ye shall find.
I am 30 years old. April just swooped right past me and I turned a little older a week back. I am grateful for the fact that I can work from home, get paid and only have to complain about my mood swings from time to time. I wish to see my loved ones like everyone else in this situation. I want to remove any toxic traits from my life and work on my betterment. 30 was supposed to be a big deal. It kind of is. Here’s to another decade of growing from experiences. Let life surprise me in new ways. I sleep now.
I am keeping myself busy. Last emotional outburst was about eight days back, which is an achievement, trust me. Pushing myself to not skip my evening meals. Reading regularly. Taking deep breaths when I start panicking. I do have those moments in a day where I just want to shut my thoughts because they make me so upset. I am hurt. And I need to accept that and take steps to better myself.
Anything and everything acts like a trigger. One moment I would be walking down the street, all cheerful(very momentary feeling these days) and another moment tears start rolling down my eyes. It’s difficult. It helps when I am listening to others talk. Kind of takes my mind off things. Probably documenting my journey would help. Writing has always been my outlet. Not that I am an expert at it. But enough with the self-doubt. Am I right?!
On that note, caught the first sight of spring today. I probably started paying attention now. It was a delight to see some flowers bloom. See those white little thingies? Well, made me smile.
Startled, the eye enquired: “Where have you been? I never imagined I would be so deprived of you. That there will come a day where I have to crave for your visit. We almost lost touch.”
Tear replied: “I am your friend, ain’t I? or Am I your foe now, your barely want to see me?”
Eye gave some thought to it and then told the tear: “May be we are friends and enemies. You are there in happiness and in despair. It almost seems impossible to give you up. Too much of you seems detrimental to health and seeing too little of you makes me anxious. I always know you’ll come around. It’s almost like we go hand in hand. I love your absence and you hate seeing me happy without you.
The most agitating feelings of all is to realize someone’s absence and not be able to shake that stupid bug off. Then have a long list of productive things to be done, in your head and watch the time fly by. To be aware of the futility of the situation and still somehow get trapped into nothingness.
I better start off my day. Much to be done. Music coming to the rescue.
There are two ways about it. About any conflicting situation. For any troubling scenario. You either let it get on your nerves or you let it not bother you. You either rub your head around it or you don’t give a fuck. Not to be rude, but you either let it gulp you in, or you choose to wade out of it. This time around, I am choosing to take it light! All these collective bunch of complexities.
Yes, easier said than done. Agreed, not a cake walk. Probably, a sporadic momentary positive thought. But, the intentions are benign. No harm done, no harm taken. Keep a good heart. Keep that smile on. Keep faith in those weird beautiful accidents happening in space. I am urging it to myself and well, you guys too!
Festivity comes from the heart. You may sneer at the frenzy going all around. This year, may be you are not in the mood for it. May be you find the celebrations too modernized in current times. You miss the old-school charm, simpler times; when it was more about being in the moment and less of show. You might currently be cringing at some namesake friend’s overly zealous christmas celebration Facebook post. Or you simply don’t get the vibes, not that pumped up. Whatever it is, let it be. In the bigger picture, it doesn’t matter how anyone else does what. Celebrate your own Christmas. Usher your own year end. You made it through 2015!!! Do what you like. Buy yourself a candy, get yourself a beer. Make your plans for the coming year. Visit your family. Call up your friends. Look forward to the newer possibilities. Every phenomenal or minutest thing you want to do today, DO IT!
Merry Xmas. :).
I have decided..like right now-right now, I won’t be grappled by sadness. It comes easy to me. Worrying, missing, shedding a tear, lamenting. I know the pattern now. I fuel it, and it never gets better. Sometimes I feel obligated to be sad. Oh! Such a terrible episode of my life. How can I lighten up? Like this behavior is expected of me. Go by the books, stay in the rut. If I smile, 2% guilt will tag along. So…This ain’t going right. I am not doing it right. I am not required to document my struggle. Struggle is part of life, not necessarily the gist of it. O dearest whacky lil self! Let’s check out the road less traveled. Dust the shelves. Let’s tread the perky path. Tough task here is to discover, what makes me happy. I’ll find my way (Hands doing that peace out gesture).