I barely remember what I last wrote about. Loosening ties with myriad things from the past. Is time playing its magic trick? Life is changing. Some days for the better, some days for the worst. I have become more subtle with my reactions and it sometimes scares me. I guess things still affect me but I express them in a more feeble manner. It is hitting more hard than ever to me that everything I experience is fleeting. All the priceless moments and all the tormenting nights. How does one stay sane amidst this chaos of variation? Where nothing is consistent, each day is a new challenge, and any slight indication of stability turns into a farce. I am a living paradox of patience and restiveness. Count me for ages but lose me by the hours. Working on my flaws, taking up healthy habits, getting better each day. Consistency comes with time, isn’t it?
How wicked are some memories. Every time I laugh reminiscing something about you, a tear bulges out uninvited too. It is strange how in retrospect, one tends to recall the good times alone. Yeah the bad times haunt us too, but mostly unintentionally. Happy memories take you to a safe space. Somewhere back to a time where comfort came as easy as your present level of discomfort is.
How unethical are some memories. They don’t choose a place or occasion. They don’t give you a notice ahead. You would be relishing a coffee with your friends, laughing and Bammm! You would distract yourself for a moment in an office meeting and slam! You are watching/reading something totally out of context on net; lo and behold! Don’t even talk about the long drives. They are like uncertified passage to memory lanes.
Come to think of it, how truculent are memories. They won’t shut their voices inside your head. They won’t budge, they won’t give in, don’t know what they aim for. Do they mean to weaken you? I guess not.
YES it is healthy, sane, advisable to live in the present. If it were in my hands, I would never let you become a past to memorize. Would devour you daily in bits and pieces. However, a present without you it is. And incomplete in its essence.
I have never been that much of a superstitious person but they say no…Read the signs! I look out for signs..! Don’t know if that is silly or indecisive on my part but I do keep looking.
Say I am adding items to the shopping cart and there is just one stock left..sign that I should buy it! 😀
I am overdoing my work or spending whole of my day glued to the monitor screen and my laptop suddenly snaps off,..sign that I should take a break! (My laptop is really old guys)
Today, on my way to office…a BIG hoarding read “It is now or never!” And i started pondering..what?! What is now or never.
There are days when people walk past me with words written over their shirt, “keep calm” and I do take a note.
The truth is, I am kind of a lost being and in my weak moments..in my desparate moments..I just reach out for something that makes me feel better or gives me a direction. I guess we all do..and still hate to admit it. Nobody likes to be faulty but after a certain time, we just accept these faults as our character traits and move on!
Recently saw this actor Ranveer Singh dressed in a night suit for some fashion magazine event and his shirt read “No Fucks To Give”. Want the T shirt and little bit of that attitude!
Came to a pizza outlet..sitting there..waiting for my order…could have had it home delivered..but I always come instead. I like going through the added trouble..makes it worth the wait may be..and no I am not going to blog about my every waking activity..:D..but coming here gives me minutes to think..a friend of mine disconnected himself from all social media..whatsapp etc..he says it consumes his time..another friend says she wants some me time..she will go and sit by the beaches for hours..I guess this can count as one of my odd habits..coming alone, sitting, staring, waiting. Don’t know, I kind of like it.
#sudden pizza cravings during work. Lazy weather.
As a child, my mom used to instigate me for every little activity. Beta wake up…Kido! Get ready for school..don’t leave before having breakfast…one more bite…yes this is the last bite etc etc..I have vague happy memories of it. Now that I am a grown up girl (don’t quite like calling myself a woman yet), I do things on my accord. Wake up when I want….sleep if I want to…eat, drink…sing..bath…all on my wish. I think I was way more organized when handled by my mom. Now I am just a living example of disorientation. Effortlessly messy if you want to call it. This is how I have been for a past few months.
So lately, I met this guy who I am kind of attracted to (haven’t fully disclosed it though 😛 ) and for some reason he has brought discipline back to my life. He hasn’t urged me for anything…but as a part of routine I am back to cooking again…reading again..grocery shopping! Arranging, cleaning..more importantly eating…I got way too lax on eating. I am surprised. I don’t even tell him any of this. But he is making me human again, if that makes any sense. I reckon that is something to dig for. :D.
I feel a little normal these days. It is like I was going through some inexplicably difficult time and now things are settling..not settling but fading may be. Getting less intense. Time works like a bandage..has anyone said it before? Or I am coining this quote.
Today, I had a hands-on experience of how it feels when you are broke. I was doing my usual thoughtless, sporadic, in-the-moment kind of shopping. First swipe done, second swipe done…third time around the swipe machine buzzed for my card…payment declined…it was exactly how they show in movies, when a person is on the verge of a financial crisis. I was like :o!! Good lord! And it hit me like a tiny little lightning bolt that I am low on balance. I guess I needed this. :D. To put some sense to my brains and reduce on the expenses. Dear next month’s salary, I’ll be gentle on you. That being said, I guess it is human to get utterly broke in your lifetime once. Sensibility on saving money is one of the last things I will attain as an adult. Signing off. 2.25 am. I need some sleep.
What to do when you are turning into this impatient, restless person (which deep down you know you are) and you don’t want to because it is wrong may be..you have been there..done that so many times before, and again the trap is all set. I hate to be this version of me. Where I ponder and look at my cell phone screen..another text..another call? Simply hate it. And yet somehow I wind up being this person. Then again, what if a person accepts you with all these annoying habits. And talks to you as if it’s as easy as breathing air. You complain, he kisses. You question, he babes you. You try not to wait(while actually waiting) and he turns up. Don’t need a man of steel, but a man of patience may be. :).
I pile on. Things. Emotions. Boxes. Clothes. All tangible/intangible stuff. I pile on every stupid thing. From a chocolate wrapper to some shirt’s button, I collect them all. I broke a hair band today and disposing it away pinched me a little! Now when I write it here, I realize the heights of absurdity in it. Losing anything does not come easy to me. I cling to it till it’s absolutely necessary to get rid of. I am (eventually) understanding that it’s not helpful in the long run. Soon I’ll be in a room full of nothing but non-essentials. It is already filling up. Why don’t I live out of my brain for a day? Use someone else’s head may be. And then get rid of all these things. Doing it myself would only seem a treason to the aforementioned NON HUMAN things. I’ll figure out a way. You dear shoes, have served me well when the time existed. You pretty shirt, were my easiest rescue for many a days. I think I am sleep talking, writing! Time to part ways.
We learn a good deal of things from the people we meet in our life. I will go ahead and list some good, cute, cherishable habits i have learnt till date from my loved ones:
– never cringe to pay for your buddies; even when you are broke.
– call your friends often. So often that it becomes a part of routine for them to receive your call.
– deal with huge huge problems without sweating and by keeping your mind at peace.
– love unconditionally; and to those you love don’t think at all before helping them.
– keep changing your hair style, every six to eight months.
– keep reading: comics, history, movies, music, stories, headlines, gossip, gibberish etc etc. Just keep reading.
– love the songs without imagining yourself in them.
– keep your bed empty/cleared before going to sleep.
– be a good host.
– dance. Dance like you want to break your leg. Anywhere. Everywhere. Strangers don’t matter.
– sync clothes on some occassions and wear matching colors with your friends.
– always utilize your loneliness.
– finish your plate off. Don’t waste any food.
– dress well. Iron every frickin’ thing.
– take pride in your quirks.
– create no fuss about shitty situations. Deal with it. On your own.
– shop for the fun of it without thinking about money.
– eat ice cream often.
– always keep track of new things: gadgets, music, news.
– age is just a number and no job is too small for you. Do it diligently.
– stay busy all you want, but when your bff is in trouble, stay up whole night to make them alright.
– adjust to your surroundings.
– lay no inhibitions while singing. Sing how you feel it in your nerves.
– make funny faces, do funny actions as and when you like.
– walk. Walk is good.
– it is human to cry your eyes out. Gender is no bias.
– stay happy and spread happiness.
I don’t know how many of these i precisely follow. But i recalled all my favorite people and these things ran through my mind. I have been admiring these traits in them. And i try to emulate some, every now and then. :).