One day, when you look back, it will all make sense. The happenings, mishappenings. Your staleness and exuberance. Triviality and enormity of the events around you. It will all come rushing in as a huge palpable epiphany. However, this isn’t the time to seek sense. For now, angels in the sky hint: keep striding forward. Don’t wince. Smile if you may. Because one day, when you look back, you’ll find a million reasons to.
I am a very very very moody person. I might not have any substantial reason for the course of my actions. I don’t give my moods much thought. Days I am not sleeping…it’s fine I am not sleeping. I am shopping insane…okay..little hole in the pocket..no big deal. Not eating adequately..and people going like, you are getting way too thin…oh yeah I know that..I have seen myself! That.. getting to the root of the problem, is NOT my thing. Yeah I do notice the problem and then I probably just walk past it (I know! not healthy or advisable). I don’t know what’s making me write about myself today. I feel like I am at that phase of my life where I have options in plenty. I can take some sensible course, or digress to some silly path, tread the unknown routes or walk the safe lane. There is no weight on my shoulders, no one is pushing me around to do things their way, I am feeling awkwardly light. You know? Like I need some weight. Something to drive me in a particular direction. Uhh I want to make my own path. Make my time in this vast space of events count. I don’t want to prove anything. I want to be on fire!
Couldn’t it be a simple urge to each choco truffle like other times! Sigh.
Amigos…there is this girl. She likes to be free. It runs in her veins, the very essence of freedom. May be that is how she was brought up, may be she never incurred any restrictions, or may be she was blockaded for too long which turned freedom into her utmost desire, may be she learnt it through experience, or may be she acquired the taste for it, you can never tell. Boundaries and prejudices curb her spirit. She likes to wear clothes according to her mood and not based on surroundings. She wants to wear her heart on sleeves. Some days she likes her hair messy. Some days she doesn’t want to respond to every banal conversation. She picks her interests not on convenience but on her own choice. She doesn’t crave for your attention. She is too entangled in the chain of her own thoughts. She is no role model. She is faulty to her core nature. If only others could stop trying to figure her out. She smiles, and even cries with equal vigor. She has the fire, to make things work for her, assistance no-assistance. She is a mystery…never to be solved. You don’t get it yet? I am that girl, YOU are that girl.
(Guys…you are great too! :D..can give it a read)
I could better be an owl! At least that would save me from getting late for office tomorrow. Sleep disorder. Eating disorder. Let’s not even step into emotional disorder. Why am I living like this? Been there, done that, so many times. Have been out of sync so often that I have almost forgotten how it feels, to be naturally happy. There are moments when I am around people and a wave of thoughts rushes into my head and I just run amok to find some empty corner to sit and process my thoughts(therapist anyone!).
I know each one of us has issues. And a history behind it. Is happiness more rare than sadness these days? Why has discontent overtaken my content? Plus I don’t understand the concept of seeking happiness. Doing things that you consider would make you happy because, well others look happy doing it! It’s a load of crap. What I do know now is, I am on the driving seat. No one else. Have to, have to, take control.
Anyway, I think I got carried away. What I wanted to tell you all is that I recently started riding my two-wheeler to office. Stumbled, struggled, feared but I did start. Kind of a tiny big deal for me!
They say nights belong to poets and madmen.
Everything works out…life goes on..we walk past the moments gone by…you carry on..I move on…things happen..days run along..minutes turn into months and months shape into years…seasons roll by…flip flap flip flap…time slips away like water through my hands…I settle..I sober up..normalcy runs through my veins again..BUT nights….darn the nights don’t pass..they feel eternally long.
The world is such a strange place, it allows existence of contradictory things. Love coexists along with hatred. Restlessness coexists with patience. Loneliness walks aside even in company of others. Even the rich feel something is amiss and less fortunate revel in all content.We get what we want and still crave for more. We care and still hesitate to show. Summers bring memories of rains. And rains don’t stop waiting for the winters. Skinny like to eat and sad ones heartily smile. That reminds me….never should we prejudice or hold any preconceived notions. There are surprises waiting on every step we take!
Have an open mind.
Embrace things coming your way.
As a child, my mom used to instigate me for every little activity. Beta wake up…Kido! Get ready for school..don’t leave before having breakfast…one more bite…yes this is the last bite etc etc..I have vague happy memories of it. Now that I am a grown up girl (don’t quite like calling myself a woman yet), I do things on my accord. Wake up when I want….sleep if I want to…eat, drink…sing..bath…all on my wish. I think I was way more organized when handled by my mom. Now I am just a living example of disorientation. Effortlessly messy if you want to call it. This is how I have been for a past few months.
So lately, I met this guy who I am kind of attracted to (haven’t fully disclosed it though 😛 ) and for some reason he has brought discipline back to my life. He hasn’t urged me for anything…but as a part of routine I am back to cooking again…reading again..grocery shopping! Arranging, cleaning..more importantly eating…I got way too lax on eating. I am surprised. I don’t even tell him any of this. But he is making me human again, if that makes any sense. I reckon that is something to dig for. :D.
I feel a little normal these days. It is like I was going through some inexplicably difficult time and now things are settling..not settling but fading may be. Getting less intense. Time works like a bandage..has anyone said it before? Or I am coining this quote.
Today, I had a hands-on experience of how it feels when you are broke. I was doing my usual thoughtless, sporadic, in-the-moment kind of shopping. First swipe done, second swipe done…third time around the swipe machine buzzed for my card…payment declined…it was exactly how they show in movies, when a person is on the verge of a financial crisis. I was like :o!! Good lord! And it hit me like a tiny little lightning bolt that I am low on balance. I guess I needed this. :D. To put some sense to my brains and reduce on the expenses. Dear next month’s salary, I’ll be gentle on you. That being said, I guess it is human to get utterly broke in your lifetime once. Sensibility on saving money is one of the last things I will attain as an adult. Signing off. 2.25 am. I need some sleep.
I am free. I choose. I decide. I stride. I falter. I even fall. And I rise. I cry and I laugh. I worry. I ignore. I hold on to. I let go. I smile. I pray. I think. I walk. I live in the moment. I gasp for air. I love. I endure. I scribble. I juggle. I sustain. I try. I am. I just am. Let me be.
What to do when you are turning into this impatient, restless person (which deep down you know you are) and you don’t want to because it is wrong may be..you have been there..done that so many times before, and again the trap is all set. I hate to be this version of me. Where I ponder and look at my cell phone screen..another text..another call? Simply hate it. And yet somehow I wind up being this person. Then again, what if a person accepts you with all these annoying habits. And talks to you as if it’s as easy as breathing air. You complain, he kisses. You question, he babes you. You try not to wait(while actually waiting) and he turns up. Don’t need a man of steel, but a man of patience may be. :).