I am a very very very moody person. I might not have any substantial reason for the course of my actions. I don’t give my moods much thought. Days I am not sleeping…it’s fine I am not sleeping. I am shopping insane…okay..little hole in the pocket..no big deal. Not eating adequately..and people going like, you are getting way too thin…oh yeah I know that..I have seen myself! That.. getting to the root of the problem, is NOT my thing. Yeah I do notice the problem and then I probably just walk past it (I know! not healthy or advisable). I don’t know what’s making me write about myself today. I feel like I am at that phase of my life where I have options in plenty. I can take some sensible course, or digress to some silly path, tread the unknown routes or walk the safe lane. There is no weight on my shoulders, no one is pushing me around to do things their way, I am feeling awkwardly light. You know? Like I need some weight. Something to drive me in a particular direction. Uhh I want to make my own path. Make my time in this vast space of events count. I don’t want to prove anything. I want to be on fire!
Couldn’t it be a simple urge to each choco truffle like other times! Sigh.
Amigos…there is this girl. She likes to be free. It runs in her veins, the very essence of freedom. May be that is how she was brought up, may be she never incurred any restrictions, or may be she was blockaded for too long which turned freedom into her utmost desire, may be she learnt it through experience, or may be she acquired the taste for it, you can never tell. Boundaries and prejudices curb her spirit. She likes to wear clothes according to her mood and not based on surroundings. She wants to wear her heart on sleeves. Some days she likes her hair messy. Some days she doesn’t want to respond to every banal conversation. She picks her interests not on convenience but on her own choice. She doesn’t crave for your attention. She is too entangled in the chain of her own thoughts. She is no role model. She is faulty to her core nature. If only others could stop trying to figure her out. She smiles, and even cries with equal vigor. She has the fire, to make things work for her, assistance no-assistance. She is a mystery…never to be solved. You don’t get it yet? I am that girl, YOU are that girl.
Adversities bring out the best in you. Or sometimes the best to you. My current adversity involves sudden malfunctioning of my phone. Malfunctioning did I say?! No…it abruptly died last week. Kind of like two people walking on a lone island..having a good time and suddenly out of no where one person drowns. In that moment..I blurted weird reactions. Firstly I got excited..okay time for a new phone! Then I felt a little bad…because as humans, we tend to get attached to myriad things. Then a thought crossed my mind…now is the time to cut off from world. My contigency plan stepped up in the form of a low key phone I used to carry five years back. I rummaged through old cartons and luckily found its charger. Now my voyage(well..sort of!) began. No mails…no notifications..no clicking of random pictures..no contacts..felt lighter in a strange way. I remembered five contacts and that was all. I was happy..carefree..strolling..wandering..sleeping without anxiety..waking up without caring to check my phone..battery of my sturdy old school lasting for two days straight..life was good. And then..well..technology got the better of me. I succumbed. I wish God had given me a stronger will power to stay disconnected. Anyway. Adversity is over. Have ordered a new phone. Truely speaking…I have mixed feelings about it. It’s like..okay now I was alone in the island..had gotten accustomed to the surroundings..was scavenging alone..having my own fun..and now a new person will tag along. Whatever! We’ll find our peace. And there is the pic…in memory of my old phone! 😛 Drew it long back..
What’s with me and coming late to office these days? Today is one of those mornings when I am getting random thoughts about getting old. Well, I am not looking old now..but I will at some point of time. I dread it. I know it sounds very superficial, but do we only have this irrevocable option to succumb to life? Time won’t stop on our wish. People will change and won’t remain the way you want them to stay. You will age! Is a person supposed to turn despondent?! Or start practising nihilism as a more severe step. Just continuing with angst in your mind does not seem like an option to me. I need quick fixes. I need effective fixes.
If I reflect on myself, I am so mad at a particular person I might..well forget it. I am not even mad. I am just confused lately. Jilted is the word coming in mind. It’s not my surroundings to be blamed. But I have to stop this high low mood swings! Massive indications of an unstable mind. Will venture into something light. Like yeah, I bought this skipping rope. Now is a good time to start skipping. :).
Just scrolled through the Urbandictionary and made me laugh again!
@TheUrbanSlangs: Bite me – A slightly more polite way to say “Fuck off you prick”.
I think I am going to practise that. :D. And many more ways to keep stifling opinions at bay.
Taking a deep breath and clicking on this plus sign to write something…I am sad. There i admitted it. Not as sad like 🙁 but sad like :|. Ever since i lost this person in my life i have been sad. Actually he lost me, and see what have i done to myself! Feel like a walking machine. Like a void has occupied my system ever since. Doing all the normal things human beings do…bath, brush, eat, sleep. Stay busy. Then again i say to myself..enough of this crap! ENOUGH of sulking! My friends are getting tired of my behavior. I myself am getting tired of it. Let’s end it here, I daily repeat to myself. Has made me realize how inconsistent I am on my words. God if you are out there, i think you are reading this. And I think you are checking on me. Please get me out of this mess. I am reaching out to you with all my earnest emotions. Year is coming to an end. Let’s give it a rest. No more sulky posts. No more rantings. Seriously. Turn me into a free bird this year. If that is too much to ask for, please turn me into a fledgling at the least. I’ll find my way out from there.
Important lesson learnt today : You love them enough to let them go. It might hurt. It will hurt. But you want the best for them. It doesn’t involve you? Accepted. You don’t wait for things to settle. You set them free. Moments will stay. Don’t dwell too deep. They won’t wane. Go ahead. There are many more moments to come…
#usual 3 am ramblings on a saturday night. I keep turning up here to find some solace. Makes me feel lighter. Better.