If a person is taking their guard down, sincerely making an effort to see you happy, expressing their fears and insecurities in moments of doubt; When you know it is not going to be just pink and peaches but also sombre shades of grey on some days. When you secretly feel universe has conspired and made you stumble across each other’s path. Even after all that has been done and dusted, when someone manages to bring a smile on your face. When they hug you and are in no rush to let go. When you are too happy and scared at the same time because nothing lasts forever. What do you do? Do you take the plunge?
You were not my type. You didn’t fall under my bracket of volition. And you did not remotely match to any of my checklist points. We were yet another rendition of opposites attract, and you were a classic, clichéd risk. I am not trying to find a pattern here. And I do not intend on recollecting all the details of our past, but what I do remember, is that you made me laugh. And somehow, it meant the world. If I close my eyes, like even a blink, it all comes back to me in tiny speedy flashes of fire and snow together at once. I get confused, what to feel. The bliss of loving or the sorrow of parting. Ever since you have gone, I don’t know what I miss more: you or myself.
P.S.: Couldn’t find a title. Could be post Valentine’s effect.
I could better be an owl! At least that would save me from getting late for office tomorrow. Sleep disorder. Eating disorder. Let’s not even step into emotional disorder. Why am I living like this? Been there, done that, so many times. Have been out of sync so often that I have almost forgotten how it feels, to be naturally happy. There are moments when I am around people and a wave of thoughts rushes into my head and I just run amok to find some empty corner to sit and process my thoughts(therapist anyone!).
I know each one of us has issues. And a history behind it. Is happiness more rare than sadness these days? Why has discontent overtaken my content? Plus I don’t understand the concept of seeking happiness. Doing things that you consider would make you happy because, well others look happy doing it! It’s a load of crap. What I do know now is, I am on the driving seat. No one else. Have to, have to, take control.
Anyway, I think I got carried away. What I wanted to tell you all is that I recently started riding my two-wheeler to office. Stumbled, struggled, feared but I did start. Kind of a tiny big deal for me!
What I have concluded from the past few days is that, misery is over rated and it is very common too! I am talking about mild miseries here. The self instigated ones. People seldom look happy to me. When I see them on a street or watch them eating or listen to their cribbings. They look more like acting as per the surroundings. You know consciously minding their behaviour. For that matter I don’t look very over enthusiastic too. Why wouldn’t someone get a fit and start to sing out of no where? Or just pass a smile ever so often. People tag them as weird then. The other day, while travelling on a bus an old man walked up to me and gave me a candy from some walk marathon thing of his. Ain’t that nice! There were no strings attached. I guess we are more comfortable in misery, that way we don’t have to be prepared for something bad. Happiness comes with a fear that it might be snatched away. I would rather live in fear. Oh a girl and her dreams! :).