Feelings. A very risky business. You catch them unawares. You lose them without notice. You can’t really help feeling a certain way, try as you may.
Change is imminent. But it’s those few days before the change when you’re feeling too many things.
A sweet kind of sadness lingering in the air. The helplessness to be slightly out of control. The fear of uncertainty. Where is this life heading towards next? You feel each moment a little too deeply. Things that were once quotidian present themselves in a totally different light. You smile, you cry. You lose this non-confrontational battle with your feelings. What would follow next is reminiscence. What would follow next are the challenges.
The sun rises another day, in another land and you brace yourself with the hope that it will only get better.
You were not my type. You didn’t fall under my bracket of volition. And you did not remotely match to any of my checklist points. We were yet another rendition of opposites attract, and you were a classic, clichéd risk. I am not trying to find a pattern here. And I do not intend on recollecting all the details of our past, but what I do remember, is that you made me laugh. And somehow, it meant the world. If I close my eyes, like even a blink, it all comes back to me in tiny speedy flashes of fire and snow together at once. I get confused, what to feel. The bliss of loving or the sorrow of parting. Ever since you have gone, I don’t know what I miss more: you or myself.
P.S.: Couldn’t find a title. Could be post Valentine’s effect.
Some love stories are not earthbound. Some love stories occur in a different space. You cannot explain them to people or put them in words or contain them in any other manner. You don’t fear its end, nor regret its failure. You just sit and wonder how you ended up experiencing something so starkly beautiful. How it has made everything else around a little less brighter in shade. All the glitter and gloss around you doesn’t affect its chastity. Innocent, Relentless love stories. And then at times you dolefully wince, why me? And you counter react in disbelief, is it even possible? It doesn’t annihilate you, it crumbles you in pieces, bit by bit. Like a deep quagmire sucking you out of breath, but slowly. There is no right or wrong, there is no end to it, there is tenderness, there is pain, there is so much that cannot be written, you know, in that kind of love.
Give me a hug. Crush me inside? Make me vanish. Dissolve…amalgamate…collide..run away with me for this fraction of second. Take me to a place where I don’t have to understand things. Let me fall asleep when am around you, at the oddest hours. Catch me off guard. Gaze at me without a reason. Make any sort of speech or sound between us absolutely futile. Get me so engrossed in you that I lose sense of everything around. Smile. Touch. Brush. Nibble. Snuggle. Fondle. Tumble. These small things. These silly nothings. If only in glimpse, show me our Neverland.
I will drain myself to the point of no sensitivity. I will juggle, hurdle…turmoil for days. I will put out all that is there in my heart to see. I’ll untangle my pieces from a criss-cross puzzle and lay them apart on a pristine blank page. Won’t leave a centimetre cube space for any intricacies or complicacies. I’ll go with the flow, I’ll be in the moment. Won’t drop a tear. I’ll be lost and still be sane. I’ll smile a million bucks smile. I’ll be happy as every other happy Jack, Jill and Joe. May be I’ll turn into someone totally new, nothing akin to what I was with you. Will you escape my mind then? Given to all my efforts. I am afraid, not.
Should I stop conversing because the negativity turns me down? I think I talk less to people because I don’t know what they might say next to piss me off. Yes, a totally wrong approach. But I stay rather at peace without the struggle to understand motives behind other’s words. No matter how well you know the person, they have this dorky side they will present you with and then you question your own sanity for being friends with such a dork! I guess something is wrong with my internal wiring, that in my hunky dory state I scavenge and find reasons to turn blue. Yes, sadness is way more poetic and all things beautiful. If you want you can forever swim in that ocean but try diving into the happiness pond please! Try soaking in the sun with all its radiance and warmth. You are sufficient. Aren’t you? Chuck naysayers. I want to say fuck…okay fuck them. Peace out.
Pour me a glass of sunshine that falls on you; I would never stop sipping. Cut me a slice of your innocent boyish charm and I would gobble it up all day long. Throw me a sight of your unrestrained self and I wouldn’t blink an eye. Smile and I will find something melodious to hear in that sound. Don’t hesitate to get weak in front of me, I’ll be your solid ground. Then sometimes, be strong for me, so I’ll crumble in your arms. If you try too hard, I would resist the effort. If you keep to yourself, I’ll sense the indifference. But if you only try your tiniest bit to solve the mess of a puzzle I am, I will unravel such, it will be indelibly etched in your memory. Here’s my humble request: Take a piece of me. Leave me a piece of you.
What do I write today?
Hope: Whatever you want your grand children to read in future and smile!
Skepticism: I am not sure I’ll reach to a point of having grand children.
Faith: Oh sure you will. Okay, write about something you believe in.
Insecurity: What can I possibly offer that hasn’t been said already?
Mind: Every individual brings something new to the plate.
Heart: Let’s just go ahead and lament about lost love and what could have been!
Angel elf: You don’t have to be sad all the time. Temperate is good too. Take time.
Demon elf: Sulk baby sulk. Better than that, complain about people who have done wrong to you!
Strength: Why not encourage others? On how things always get better. Trust your instincts.
Desire: Create something magical. Your words shall enchant.
Girly side: Let’s talk about the pretty dresses you bought and ooo! those nail paints.
Independence: Let’s not waste time figuring out people. Explore broader horizons.
Persnicketiness: Watch you words.
Conscience: Chuck it all. Do what you want!
One dainty human and a sea of emotions! Today we just wonder about the possibilities.
Silence never intrigued me.
Silence was comforting with a close friend. Silence was awkward with a stranger. Silence was an accomplice when sitting alone. Silence was beautiful amidst verdure. Silence was my food for thought. Silence was one of my character traits. It never captured my attention. Never boggled my mind. Never seemed out-of-place. Never stung.
But your silence, it wrenches my heart. Silence was never, ever, so deafening before.
I am out with friends and I look happy and frolicky, decked up, spruced up, company is good, food tastes great, such a lovely evening, yay kind of Sunday! Everything seems in place and oh so fine, until some stupid, uncalled for, moronic, crappy, mushy, lovey dovey song starts playing in the background and overwhelms me with influx of gazillion emotions, inadvertently reminding me of you. Ehhh.
Damn you brilliant musicians and lyricists and singers all over the world! Totally unaware of the turmoil you cause to some cushion hearted people.