Musings #015

Oh man!

I have been from extremely elated yesterday to feeling extremely dejected today.

I am feeling so out of my skin. There are new people in the house. Friends, family and partner are all away. Growing distant to the old friends. Growing concerned over my ageing parents. Growing complacent in a happy relationship.

It’s so difficult to safeguard one’s innocence.

Is it a human tendency to seek distress? A lot of my long standing problems got resolved yesterday. I was super relieved. And today was like a fresh canvas sort of a day. And what did I do? Absolutely wasted it away.

I have been feeling lonesome. So many people around and so alone. These changing times, constant barrage of social media, flimsy dating culture around, the need to have an opinion on everything, how much can you share, what is cool and what’s not, feeling old, friends talking about having kids, covid, zoom calls, weight gains, criticisms, trust issues, social awkwardness, life. Aaaaaarghhhhh. It’s like I am feeling pukish but in a metaphorical sense. Don’t even have a solution yet.

Bring it on.

Turning 28 tomorrow! And I will not let this year just pass by. I am unable to pen down any accomplishments from last year and it is a little disheartening to be honest. I am starting to worry about myself. My life, what if it turns out to be a series of “if only moments..”?

I am going to make every day count. Another important note: Positive vibes only.

 

Inexplicable emotions

You gain some..you lose some. One of those days..sorry nights..when your mind wants to rest. And at the same time wants to reshuffle things. I feel catastrophically detached at this particular moment and I am even witnessing glimpses of vulnerability in my disposition. Some strange dichotomy of behaviour entrapping my existence. Well, something or someone made me reluctant to write again but here I am. How does it matter if what I am doing engulfs me so much that it vanishes me. What’s so wrong about vanishing?! Infact currently it’s seeming like a good option to me. I don’t want to sound negative but the above lines are connoting my feelings in that light. Anyway, no huge deal. The deal is, I don’t want to change myself. I guess surroundings are coercing that out of me but I don’t want to change. I can’t be stoical and I cannot be apathetic. Let me be affected by sadness or joys. Let me react and smile and cry. I am not sure why I am uttering these lump of goofball talks. My chin is bruised today. Reasons galore. And I thought it would be a good idea to mark this day. Just for reminiscence. :).