Who’s to rescue?

You have that effect on me.

The butterflies fluttering, the warm fuzzy feeling evoking, smiling from the stomach, feeling at home kind of effect. It’s difficult to express as I am bad at expressing myself. But it would be nice if you could pay a visit to the inner workings of my mind. You would have a clue.

Once bitten, twice shy. And I am shy this time around. That feeling of unabashed, reckless abandon has been snatched from me and it saddens me quite a lot. I am discreet now. Not by nature but through a force of habit maybe? It is what it is, and I cannot hold on to a certain way I used to feel.

Could something that has been besmirched, still hold value? Could one truly relish oneself, for what they are? It’s a battle between self-worth and being compassionate. Path to seeking forgiveness could be very difficult but the path to forgive isn’t a cake walk either. The mind understands but the heart cannot accept. Such quandary! Such difficult inner battles.

Self Pity Sessions

Sometimes I feel so suffocated, it becomes hard to breathe.
When did I become this utterly sad piece of shit?!
I have no peace of mind.
Have been completely disrespecting myself over the past two years.
There has been so much self-doubt that I have lost track of my real self.
And it is becoming so damn difficult to come out of that mindset.
I write this in despair. What do I need to eliminate?
Ruminating over the past.
Feeling weak.
Being sad that life didn’t turn out as I had imagined.
Letting someone ruin my happiness. I am better than that. C’mon!

A major heap of realization came my way, that people are selfish and you have to fend for yourself.
I am genuinely very sad. That’s all I am feeling at the moment.
Things will never be the same again.
And I have to start afresh.

Complexities

Saturday morning. Pensive mood. Looking forward to living this day. Happiness is in you. Make it last. Spread it around. Turning 25 soon. Not liking it. Still smiling. Exploring new phone. Virtual world is boring me. And yet I am blogging here. Bits of virtual world are boring me. Not finding genuine emotions to cater to. Staying away from human kind. Short sentences. Lesser words. Wishing someone tried to understand the silence. People give you every reason to walk away. Yet you decide to stay. It is difficult. So darn difficult.