The news broke out yesterday that Sushant Singh Rajput has died of suicide; at the age of 34; by hanging himself.
He was a famous, talented actor in the Indian film industry. For some unfathomable reason, this is feeling like a personal loss. Can’t take my mind away from it. Didn’t really follow him, wasn’t a big fan. Had watched his first movie ‘Kai Po Che!’, and remember really loving his part in it.
As any other Indian kid grown up around watching Bollywood movies, I too had know his background story. How he came from humble beginnings, how intelligent he was, with deep thoughts and how he had made it so far. And every time a person reaches great heights through hardships, knowing their story, you always root for them. Inadvertently. At the back of your mind.
So when this news hit the IG feed and group chats yesterday, it was shocking at the least. And I have been immersed in reading about it till now. To a point of exhaustion. It saddens me to think that, there came a moment in his life where he decided his life isn’t worth living. He sure must have tried every other outlet to reach this conclusion. It’s plain difficult for me to process that. His loved ones, their grief. His own anguish or helplessness that lead to this. And no matter how many discussions we have on mental health issues post his death or point fingers, it took a precious life to evoke this very heavy feeling in all of us. These troubled 3 am feelings. May he find his peace.
On that note, be kind friends. To yourself and to others.
I haven’t been myself for over a year. Could you imagine?
It’s come to a point where I can no longer sensibly process my thoughts. I feel weak. I feel fragile. Broken. Small. Ashamed. Insecure. Incapable. Worthless. Lost. SAD. Anxious. Confused. Did I mention weak already?
Oh my god! From being my own motivator to see myself like this, it kind of makes me want to say a huge SORRY to myself. So that’s what I am going to do right now. I am going to apologize to myself and you could be party to it.
I am sorry for giving too much of myself away to be with someone.
I am sorry for not caring about my health enough or can I say at all.
I am sorry to let another person’s view affect my sense of belief.
I am sorry to cry about something mean someone said out of their own fears.
I am sorry to have thought so small of myself.
I am sorry that people aren’t always nice and that in turn shouldn’t turn you bitter.
I am sorry for not relishing what I have.
I am sorry for not counting my blessings.
I am sorry for overlooking the problems faced by the people around me.
I am sorry for having dark circles around my eyes and a loss of weight, a loss of appetite, a loss of interest in things.
I am sorry, every time my ears flared up out of anxiety, moments of immense trepidation, insecurity, I am sorry I let someone’s action control me like that.
I am sorry to have become so dependent.
I am sorry to have my happiness taken lightly.
I am sorry to have myself be taken lightly.
I am sorry for locking myself in my room, for not stepping out for two days.
I am sorry for giving up on all my hobbies.
I am sorry to have cried endlessly and stressing myself to sleep.
I am sorry to have woken up depressed.
I am sorry for being inconsiderate because of my own mental struggles.
I am sorry for losing control of myself.
I am sorry for obsessing about something not worth obsessing.
I am sorry for giving others power over me.
I am sorry to have forgotten my worth, to all the moments of self-doubt.
I am sorry, I am really, really sorry you amazing, caring, loving, harmless, strong, independent, resilient, patient, smart, wise, quirky piece of a human being. I am sorry to put you in the back seat.
From here on, each day, every day, I am going to work towards building myself again. Be kind. And reflect my happy energy on to others. There is enough sadness and grief and complications in this life. Not just for me, for everyone around me. And I am going to treat everyone better, including myself.
My blog, if it were human, must be really mad at me. I have almost abandoned it. To be true, I am lacking resources and also the zeal to keep up with it. Few observations I have had while I was away:
– I am pretty messed up, don’t know if I was so from before or it is something new.
– I most certainly have some eating disorder which might be a result of myriad other issues.
– I am tired of putting up a strong face. People around me say I am hovering negativity around me. I don’t like their suggestions. I don’t like their advice. I don’t know who means well.
– I need to rise above self speculation. Not bother about every sentence that comes out of someone’s mouth. Not be so self involved. There is a whole world of things outside me. Break the bubble.
– There is no need to prove anything to anyone.
– All is well.
I did visit two-three places meanwhile. Some of my friends marriages and a short summer trip to Puducherry. I also cut my hair. Traveling is good. Surroundings are temperate. But I have to sort myself out. Ah.. if only I could use some magic wand and stop growing up! Nothing seems right these days. Nothing gives immense joy. :(. I do not want to be this gloomy person. I am stalling this post here.
What do I say? I had been out for a friend’s wedding in Mumbai. I am at an all time low since my return. Reasons? Galore. There is this sense of detachment. Of nothingness. Of futility. I am low because the whole marriage affair didn’t entice me much. I mean, of course I was happy for my friend and I smiled all along, but I even got the feeling simultaneously that I won’t fit in the bill. I wouldn’t want to do these things. I might have at one point in the past, but I am so averse to it right now. Cannot fathom the whys and whats of it. Why am I sad but? Lack of sense of purpose I suppose. If not marriage at least I should be willing to do something of my life right? So lost. So so lost. Don’t want lectures. Don’t want communication. Don’t want nothing. Let me rue for a few days more. Till then here is my pretty picture from the wedding..all things girly..(when have my doldrums ever stopped me from dressing up..). Adios!
#can be classified under my stupid quest for happiness.