The wait has been so long, I cannot bother to recall. My thoughts are haywire and my actions discomposed. My words are in between a pile of mess.
So close to something one has longed for a while. The warmth one has almost forgotten, so much that the thought of revisiting it unsettles me a little. There is an air of nervousness around. A struggle dealt with for a long time alone.
How does one share the bliss when a journey of woes has been traversed alone. It doesn’t seem balanced. I find myself incapable of expressing my emotions of late. Overwhelmed? Perhaps. Anxious? In abundance.
Time does a lot of things. It makes you forget how you once felt. Be it good or bad. And that’s a bit of irony. It would be quite right to say that at times, words simply fail to assist. A few feelings are too fervent to be moulded into words.
Should I stop conversing because the negativity turns me down? I think I talk less to people because I don’t know what they might say next to piss me off. Yes, a totally wrong approach. But I stay rather at peace without the struggle to understand motives behind other’s words. No matter how well you know the person, they have this dorky side they will present you with and then you question your own sanity for being friends with such a dork! I guess something is wrong with my internal wiring, that in my hunky dory state I scavenge and find reasons to turn blue. Yes, sadness is way more poetic and all things beautiful. If you want you can forever swim in that ocean but try diving into the happiness pond please! Try soaking in the sun with all its radiance and warmth. You are sufficient. Aren’t you? Chuck naysayers. I want to say fuck…okay fuck them. Peace out.
Sometimes I am baffled at the meaninglessness of my own existence. How little significance do I hold? How miniscule a drop I am in this ocean of a vast diversified human kind. Every one is busy with their life. If I laugh a little more one day or cry a little longer the next day, who would it affect? Each person has his own story. My story would coincide with some, but each one of us have our own shit to handle. Each one is tackling his/her own struggles . How does it matter what ice cream flavour I like or which colour is my most favourite? Some days things seem magnificently trivial to me. Like nothing matters at all.
On such hope-deprived days, I reshuffle my head. Must do. And I foster the courage to tell myself: it is one life I have been given. Be it a drop; let it mean nothing to no one. I have to, have to live it to the fullest. If and when I am remembered later on(like when I am dead), people should be like, oh! She loved with her heart and oh! She lived like there was no tomorrow..and oh! She was unstoppable…and oh this and oh that! How perfectly awesome would that be! For the sake of some after-life praise, why don’t I start valuing my present? Just saying. Some people are so darn positive they have sun rising up from their asses, the least I could do is endeavour to live life happily.
I am a very very very moody person. I might not have any substantial reason for the course of my actions. I don’t give my moods much thought. Days I am not sleeping…it’s fine I am not sleeping. I am shopping insane…okay..little hole in the pocket..no big deal. Not eating adequately..and people going like, you are getting way too thin…oh yeah I know that..I have seen myself! That.. getting to the root of the problem, is NOT my thing. Yeah I do notice the problem and then I probably just walk past it (I know! not healthy or advisable). I don’t know what’s making me write about myself today. I feel like I am at that phase of my life where I have options in plenty. I can take some sensible course, or digress to some silly path, tread the unknown routes or walk the safe lane. There is no weight on my shoulders, no one is pushing me around to do things their way, I am feeling awkwardly light. You know? Like I need some weight. Something to drive me in a particular direction. Uhh I want to make my own path. Make my time in this vast space of events count. I don’t want to prove anything. I want to be on fire!
Couldn’t it be a simple urge to each choco truffle like other times! Sigh.
What do I write today?
Hope: Whatever you want your grand children to read in future and smile!
Skepticism: I am not sure I’ll reach to a point of having grand children.
Faith: Oh sure you will. Okay, write about something you believe in.
Insecurity: What can I possibly offer that hasn’t been said already?
Mind: Every individual brings something new to the plate.
Heart: Let’s just go ahead and lament about lost love and what could have been!
Angel elf: You don’t have to be sad all the time. Temperate is good too. Take time.
Demon elf: Sulk baby sulk. Better than that, complain about people who have done wrong to you!
Strength: Why not encourage others? On how things always get better. Trust your instincts.
Desire: Create something magical. Your words shall enchant.
Girly side: Let’s talk about the pretty dresses you bought and ooo! those nail paints.
Independence: Let’s not waste time figuring out people. Explore broader horizons.
Persnicketiness: Watch you words.
Conscience: Chuck it all. Do what you want!
One dainty human and a sea of emotions! Today we just wonder about the possibilities.
Anxious night ahead…I shopped and shopped today and then I stopped by a small shop on my way back home and forgot half of my baggage over there..what an idiot I am! Have to go back tomorrow morning and check if it is still there. @!?#*$~!?!!!! I stay all lost while traveling…I remember reading a middle aged man’s t-shirt on the way. It said:
“Laziness rule #1.
If you can’t reach it
You don’t need it”
I smiled seeing it. Amidst this hurried lost state of mind, I abandoned my belongings. Didn’t even look for it till late midnight. Plus, a restless person that I am..I won’t get sleep thinking about the 278 different scenarios that could have happened to it or with it. Why dear fate do you work in mysterious ways…it could have been a lazy Sunday night..cozy sleep..saccharine dreams..and now I lie awake waiting for the morning to arrive.
Sometimes my thoughts do trespass to a broader horizon where I ask myself..why such a fuss over superficial things? Why not just rest for a while. What if you lost a pretty dress. You’ll get another one. But these are just words. Reality bite: I am superficial to an extent. Let’s just accept things the way they are. If I lose on the dress tomorrow..Well I won’t encourage unsolicited ifs and buts for now. Time is taking its own sweet time. I don’t reckon what lies ahead. Not tomorrow morning nor the days after that.
What do writers do? Do they think a lot…do they travel a lot…do they feel passionately about something…have they suffered a lot..I don’t even call myself a writer..but I am curious to know. I wonder how I still haven’t found my footing. I am in the middle of things…I am trying this..and doing that…I haven’t yet pursued anything with utmost passion. I have a job and I do it seriously, but passionate? I just find things interesting. In that moment of interest I might seem really boosted up..and into it. And then my interest wanes. Does that make me a halka-fulka(that is hindi for light weight) person? Am I too frivolous to be taken seriously. Probably because I never take myself seriously? Motivational talks don’t work on me. They might hold me captivated for a week and then it’s all downhill from there. At this moment I feel I am being more words and lesser action. What if I stick onto something even after my interest has faded. Yeah..that won’t work right. I don’t know I talk here as if I am talking one on one to people. :P. I always write things like..keep it simple..take it light…may be I need to get serious about something. Really follow it up with discipline. I read someone’s status the other day: find that one thing you love and let it kill you. Humm. Food for thought?!
I cannot count the number of random thoughts I get in a day. Fight this. Fight that. One day I am all positive, the other day, exact opposite. I am not liking normal mankind these days. Everybody seems selfish. Or indifferent. The most annoying thing: daily I dig up one reason to miss this guy! Like okay, I haven’t ruminated over this topic yet…let’s grill my head with these thoughts today. I am on some self destructive mode. Don’t understand WHYYY?! And I am sorting it all on my own. If I look from an outsider’s perspective, I’ll definitely suggest myself some counsellor. But it’s not that serious an issue. May be just a matter of time. Or so I am praying. I just cannot sink in the feeling that after knowing me how can someone decide not to have me in their life. Full on adorable and funny I am! Anyway, complicated or whatever shit that is, I have to accept it.
Let me talk about something that perks me up. Yeah, SRK movies. I am a biggggg fan of Shah Rukh Khan. Every annoying thing he does on TV, no matter how stupid, how boastful, how silly, i love it all. It’s like blind adulation. Nothing affects my stand on that. And what to say, I have grown up watching his movies again and again and again. Nowadays when his movies release, I’ll be all apprehensive and I’ll pray to God that please let it be a HIT. Let it be good. Let people love it. It’s all the way craziness for him. Anyone and everyone who talks bad about him offends me. So, I prefer not to discuss at all. Or otherwise I might throw things at them :D. Stupidly enough, i even have a pic of him in my clutch. Nothing done on intention, but there are these weight machines in railway stations where you put a coin and they give out a slip telling your weight on one side and some random character trait of yours. So this one had SRK’s pic and I just couldn’t get rid of it. :P. Anyway, ciao for today! My mood seems better.
I don’t exist if I don’t have her..the sun doesn’t shine the world doesn’t turn alright..alright.. 🙂
How dramatic and enormously cute this gesture is. I dig this kind of love where you have gone all head over heels for the person. One direction, i like! Now, when i think of it, how utterly boring life would be if there was no music to listen to. Isn’t it? It pumps my heart, my feet and my soul. From quite a few days I have been thinking of getting a tattoo done. Something miniature, nothing to show off but for self-gratification. There are two options. One is an anklet sort of design around my feet; another is a small flying bird behind the ear. The conflict is that both are very different from each other. Anklet design I conjured up because I used to wear this chain on my left feet and it had various emotions attached. Had to keep that emotion intact. Bird is for the independence. How it has always affected my life and my decisions. WHAT to do?! I have been confused with options all my life. And then I don’t even listen to what others suggest. May be that’s why my blogsite reads whimsical… . Anyway, will know in a week’s time.