Pour me a glass of sunshine that falls on you; I would never stop sipping. Cut me a slice of your innocent boyish charm and I would gobble it up all day long. Throw me a sight of your unrestrained self and I wouldn’t blink an eye. Smile and I will find something melodious to hear in that sound. Don’t hesitate to get weak in front of me, I’ll be your solid ground. Then sometimes, be strong for me, so I’ll crumble in your arms. If you try too hard, I would resist the effort. If you keep to yourself, I’ll sense the indifference. But if you only try your tiniest bit to solve the mess of a puzzle I am, I will unravel such, it will be indelibly etched in your memory. Here’s my humble request: Take a piece of me. Leave me a piece of you.
Saturday morning. Pensive mood. Looking forward to living this day. Happiness is in you. Make it last. Spread it around. Turning 25 soon. Not liking it. Still smiling. Exploring new phone. Virtual world is boring me. And yet I am blogging here. Bits of virtual world are boring me. Not finding genuine emotions to cater to. Staying away from human kind. Short sentences. Lesser words. Wishing someone tried to understand the silence. People give you every reason to walk away. Yet you decide to stay. It is difficult. So darn difficult.
Chocolate pastries are my respite these days. They are really perking me up. I am learning to deal with trauma. Now calling my situation trauma makes it outright stupid. :D. I am dealing with something though. Learning how to be with myself. Laughing at my own stupidities. Massive shoe shopping(don’t know what’s up with that!!!). Trying out new things..like for instance green food..spinach. I am totally aversive to it, so it’s kind of a big deal. I cooked after a decade..well after a sabbatical atleast. And i burnt it. My food. Yesterday. I was in some other zone..forgot to pour water. Came to another room. And then I am hearing noises..chht…ppttt…tktt…you know of burning..held my head in shock. My frying pan all black. What is that expression….face palm for myself!
It’s cool. It’s alright. I mean life in general. I never write on anything in particular..you know..news..politics..sports. Neither do I probe into the fiction zone. Not quite sure what I do here. It does make me happy though..when I read about people going through different phenomenons in their lives and to realize that I am just one of them. People go through worst and still manage to smile. Assures me that it’s okay to be sparkly on some days and laggardly on others. :). It’s all in the moments. What you make of the moments.
You gain some..you lose some. One of those days..sorry nights..when your mind wants to rest. And at the same time wants to reshuffle things. I feel catastrophically detached at this particular moment and I am even witnessing glimpses of vulnerability in my disposition. Some strange dichotomy of behaviour entrapping my existence. Well, something or someone made me reluctant to write again but here I am. How does it matter if what I am doing engulfs me so much that it vanishes me. What’s so wrong about vanishing?! Infact currently it’s seeming like a good option to me. I don’t want to sound negative but the above lines are connoting my feelings in that light. Anyway, no huge deal. The deal is, I don’t want to change myself. I guess surroundings are coercing that out of me but I don’t want to change. I can’t be stoical and I cannot be apathetic. Let me be affected by sadness or joys. Let me react and smile and cry. I am not sure why I am uttering these lump of goofball talks. My chin is bruised today. Reasons galore. And I thought it would be a good idea to mark this day. Just for reminiscence. :).
A working Saturday…not my ideal way to spend a weekend. Anyway, it is almost ending now. I have been sleeping a lot lately. Not discussing my feelings to anybody in detail. I just go in the flow of their topics of conversation. Nodding. Responding. Smiling. Actually, I myself am not sure how am I feeling in precise sense. Unaffected. Well that’s not true. Things affect me. Pretty much. After a long time, I have re-started eating in company of some office colleagues. Almost been two months. For some reason, it makes me feel bounded. I have to eat fast, because otherwise I am tortoise paced. They speak other language, and I don’t find myself curious even to ask. I think I am being too harsh. They are nice people but I do feel restrained. I like my kind of people. I have some. I like talking about movies, words, shopping and other funny stuff and not about job and career and work! I like to eat sweet corn sitting by the bus stand, talking and I like having ice cream and sharing it from the same cup. Well, then again I prefer it with specific entities. Why so specific! Why so choosy? God knows. I like the idea of imaginary bubble world. I mean what’s so wrong about it if it brings smile to your face! Reality is hard and demands a mature you. May be I am good with my own stupid thoughts and impromptu decisions that go on and off! I don’t know how one plans future because I never have. I might have pictured some pretty things like a swing in my own house, some cozy movie night along with my guy in the couch, long walks etc etc..but this is not planning future right. For now, bubble world is good, it is comforting me. I’ll come back to reality intermittently and check if I can handle it.