Feelings. A very risky business. You catch them unawares. You lose them without notice. You can’t really help feeling a certain way, try as you may.
Change is imminent. But it’s those few days before the change when you’re feeling too many things.
A sweet kind of sadness lingering in the air. The helplessness to be slightly out of control. The fear of uncertainty. Where is this life heading towards next? You feel each moment a little too deeply. Things that were once quotidian present themselves in a totally different light. You smile, you cry. You lose this non-confrontational battle with your feelings. What would follow next is reminiscence. What would follow next are the challenges.
The sun rises another day, in another land and you brace yourself with the hope that it will only get better.
Whatever it is that is holding me back, it is time to put that aside. I think, in general, I have always been an under-confident person, time and again self doubting my capabilities. Sometimes even settling for the less I am afraid. Until I try, I wouldn’t know. Right? Being an optimist helps, because then you see the good in people and find a silver lining in every perplexing situation. That, be good and good comes to you theory y’all! Keeps me content. But for the longest time, I have not felt a drive to prove something, to achieve something, to reach a finish line. I think I will go ahead and set a goal just to amuse myself. As a person, I want to be ever-changing, ever-growing. And if that insists me to step out of my comfort zone, so be it. Let’s do this. To the new challenges and upcoming earnest efforts!
Time flies by when you are happy. A very true statement by some anonymous guy who quoted it. What do I do? Recollect every beautiful moment spent in the past few months and pen it down? Mind does a quick retort: let it be. So I try not to run amok backwards. Keep myself focussed on the now.
Another itching fact about time is, it never stops. Keeps running so darn unaffectedly. Everyday, you are changing, people around you are changing, molecules colliding, chemical reactions happening, drama, frenzy, doldrums, emotions. When I can barely control the miniscule event of a leaf accidentally crackling under my foot, why bother controlling humans, their actions or the consequences there on?!
Lahe Lahe..this is an Assamese phrase I got to know from a recent trip to the North East part of India. What it means is, to take it easy! Stay unhurried. One of the many lovely things I am taking back from the place.
It is strange how sometimes the regular stuff you do becomes irregular and out of sync. Like I am reading after long today, lying awake at 3.25 in the morning, taking screen shots of quotes I like, watching TV shows I enjoy, listening to interviews of my favorite actors, doing stuff I regularly do, after a long pause in time. Have been busy of late, happily busy if I may add. But this feels right. No judgements; no opinions. Safe space in my own bubble.
My bff told me, these are my escape routes, things that I do when I am alone. But it ain’t quite true. I find comfort in these things. I am missing time to do these mundane things. So..what do we do, when world around us changes? We change a bit too, yet keep intact these proclivities. Quirks that make you, you.
If you have read even a slight bit of my posts, you might know that I am a night owl, night-o-holic, nyctophile, name it whatever. I love the nights and everything surrounding it. The peace, the quiet, the entwined length of it, the sea of ideas, nostalgia, reflection, contemplation, I could go on and on.
A few days back, I met with an accident, which again you might/might not be privy to from my previous posts. Any which way, I started going by company cab, instead of my bike; I have booked it for a month. And it drops at sharp 8 in the morning. Prettttty early by my standards. My whole routine has taken a 180 degrees turn.
I sleep early fearing I won’t wake up on time. The fear is such that I feel guilty in staying up late, how people on diet cringe when they eat high calorie food. I even have to leave from work at a fixed time. I get a feeling like I was some carefree bird few days back who is now caged. I even figured(in just a span of 8 days by cab) that I prefer chaos more to a set routine. What is happeningggggggg?
Anyway, came across a resonating word today (Source: TFD)
So here’s what I am doing right now, staying awake, which I love.
Mornings, Early sleeps: With all due respect, Buzz Off!
Tomorrow, I’ll be shifting to a new house. Somehow managed to pack my stuff with an injured feet through a friend’s help. She was a blessing in disguise. I have been staying in the current room for about three years. To be honest, I am a bit anxious about leaving this place, that I have grown pretty comfortable staying at. Probably the reason why I am writing about it on my last night here.
It took a little while but this became my home. Memories. Moments of all kinds, nerve-wrecking and some breath-taking. Funny as it may sound but this house has witnessed me grow, been my humble abode on good and bad days.
I guess the feeling is natural. You get attached, and then you have to let go. Of course it is a tad bit more flummoxing to people who are emotional, isn’t it? Time to bid adieu. Here’s to changes, for the better. :).
Look what I got here! A thought stumbled upon me (due to sleeplessness), to check on the daily prompt for today, have never done it before. And the topic for today is as perennial and persistent as water. I was like,,,uhh!! and ummm!! what do I say about such ubiquitous an entity.
I need to drink more of it,
Shed less of it from my eyes,
Relish plenty of it on the sea shores,
Soak all of it during the lovely rains,
Jump often in it when I get the chance to,
Find my own course, as water always does.
P.S.: On that note, another new thing I am planning to do, teach for fun. Still formulating, have to be recruited first. Let’s see! Will keep posted.
As a teenager, I hated being called anything close to this term, mature. I used to grumble: you get mature when you get old. I am still young with many reckless years to spend. I don’t know who changed the dimensions but “mature” doesn’t offend me that much now. I do behave pampered and unreasonable on many a occasions but on a larger scale, maturity has laid its dirty hands on me. Yeah! I know! Here are few observations that I believe make a person fall under this “grown up” category:
> When your friend has been an ass and you know it pretty well; yet you call them up to reconcile.
> When your heart gets broken and you don’t curse them back.
> When you are going on a family trip and all bookings have been made under your name and not your parents like it used to be.
> When someone cancels on a fun evening and you totally “understand”.
> When loneliness at times, comforts you.
> When you have two, three, five fixed deposits to be matured in coming months.
> When you start carrying umbrella in your bag before stepping out of your house.
> When your ex talks about his present and you are the one to give friendly advice.(sucks! Even after gallops of maturity)
> When you start dating keeping perspective bride/groom in your mind. :D.
> No matter what shit happens in your life, you try to be cool.
> When cleaning your room has become a part of your routine.
> When you shop based on necessity rather than on whim.
> When reading sounds like the perfect leisure time.
> When 11 pm is way too late for you to be awake.
> When being called matured seems right to you, more like a compliment; there! you have matured my friend.
P.S. No matter what, keep that prickly kid alive in you!!!
Chocolate pastries are my respite these days. They are really perking me up. I am learning to deal with trauma. Now calling my situation trauma makes it outright stupid. :D. I am dealing with something though. Learning how to be with myself. Laughing at my own stupidities. Massive shoe shopping(don’t know what’s up with that!!!). Trying out new things..like for instance green food..spinach. I am totally aversive to it, so it’s kind of a big deal. I cooked after a decade..well after a sabbatical atleast. And i burnt it. My food. Yesterday. I was in some other zone..forgot to pour water. Came to another room. And then I am hearing noises..chht…ppttt…tktt…you know of burning..held my head in shock. My frying pan all black. What is that expression….face palm for myself!
It’s cool. It’s alright. I mean life in general. I never write on anything in particular..you know..news..politics..sports. Neither do I probe into the fiction zone. Not quite sure what I do here. It does make me happy though..when I read about people going through different phenomenons in their lives and to realize that I am just one of them. People go through worst and still manage to smile. Assures me that it’s okay to be sparkly on some days and laggardly on others. :). It’s all in the moments. What you make of the moments.