How does one think beyond the limits of one’s surroundings when one is confined in the same spot for a really long time. No change of scenery, no human interaction, no intimacy, no banters. I feel like my mind has frozen. Stuck in this loop of mundane activities, trying really hard to stay positive but to no avail. These bad thoughts and scary moments sneak their way in, somehow. I want this feeling of unrest to end. I would like to feel the lightness in my steps and have a zinger for my thoughts. It’s not like I am constantly sad. But I would like to be in a state of carefreeness. I know that feeling, I crave for it now more than ever. Peace in solace. Just, plain and simple peace. 🙂
I wouldn’t like to use this term loosely but there are days when I am more anxious than the regular days. It could be triggered by any small thing, like a bad dream, a silly Pinterest quote, something that I saw in a movie, a song. What I am learning is, each day is not the same. And some days take a lot of effort from me to stay focused. I can’t help it when the feeling kicks in but keeping my phone away helps, talking to friends helps, talking to your dear ones makes the feeling go away, writing does it too. These are strange times indeed, and then we all have our inner battles to tackle. They say, time fixes things; heals old wounds. I would just call it a bad day and go to sleep. Jittery nerves will figure their way out slowly. Steadily.
Her feathers are growing back again. Fresh air is running through her lungs. Sun is beaming on to her face. And the flowers are out in full bloom. It’s not easy. It’s never easy. But every pain culminates to peace. And every day is not a cloudy day. She finds her life to be turning with the seasons. Summer passed by; Autumn was melancholic; Winters were brutal. And now, isn’t the spring around? Time to heal. Shed the toxic energy. Find some peace. Smile a little. And then, a little more.
I am losing confidence in myself. That can’t be good. I decide I am not good at something even before attempting it. Something is not right guys. This isn’t me.
And enough with the self victimization. I am growing old of it myself. Shitty things happen in life. Get over it. There will be new chapters. And better days.
Another noticeable fault in my system is that I am starting my day by looking at my phone screen. My inner angel self(you know out of the two, angel and demon) is questioning it too, ’Girl! Really? Morning with a phone screen!’. And I am not waking up with very good thoughts. Morning then really sets the tone of my day and I am anxious throughout.
I know better. I genuinely do. And I am not looking at my phone when I wake up tomorrow.
When you’ve been sad for way too long, any moment of respite scares you. I am speaking for myself. If a person asks how am I doing and I say I am doing okay, it scares me that this is going to vanish soon. Any moment now, the panic will set in. Any moment now, the sadness will take over. Anxiety shall bare its ugly fangs upon me. So I hesitate to answer. I hesitate to acknowledge any sense of calm. Bad thoughts, negative thoughts, shoo, not right now. Not this hour.
I ain’t jubilant today but this feeling of blankness is pretty good too. It means I am making some progress.
I am trying.
I am trying.
And it is going to take some time.
How is it going so far?
I am keeping myself busy. Last emotional outburst was about eight days back, which is an achievement, trust me. Pushing myself to not skip my evening meals. Reading regularly. Taking deep breaths when I start panicking. I do have those moments in a day where I just want to shut my thoughts because they make me so upset. I am hurt. And I need to accept that and take steps to better myself.
Anything and everything acts like a trigger. One moment I would be walking down the street, all cheerful(very momentary feeling these days) and another moment tears start rolling down my eyes. It’s difficult. It helps when I am listening to others talk. Kind of takes my mind off things. Probably documenting my journey would help. Writing has always been my outlet. Not that I am an expert at it. But enough with the self-doubt. Am I right?!
On that note, caught the first sight of spring today. I probably started paying attention now. It was a delight to see some flowers bloom. See those white little thingies? Well, made me smile.